The Art of Losing Yourself
by Lookingforsunday
Summary: For years she had known nothing about herself. Between her ex-boyfriend and what was expected of her, Tris doesn't who she is anymore. She's lost all sense of identity until an unlikely meeting in her country home makes her second guess everything. Tobias challenges her; he makes her question who she is and what she's fighting for. Perhaps she wasn't so lost after all… AU ON HIATUS
1. Chapter 1

**THE ART OF LOSING YOURSELF**

_**Summary:** Tris is tired of her life—one where she's submissive and weak, one where she does everything her (ex)boyfriend, Peter, wants her to. In hopes of putting her old life behind her, she moves back to the town where she grew up. On her journey to find herself—her real self—she meets Tobias, a man who seems to have no job, no money, and no care for the future. He's mysterious and brooding and he makes her question everything about herself.__ An unlikely chance meeting between the two may turn into something much more... On her lonely road to discover who she really is, she realizes she's not the only one who wants to uncover the truth about herself, and she's certainly not the only one who wants to begin anew. _

_**—**__This story is about friendships, and the importance of family. It is about letting go of the past, looking towards the future but also living in the moment. This story deals with grief, hope, and also strength—the strength to fight for yourself and those you love but also for what you believe in. _

_**—**It is an AU fic (translation: Alternate Universe where there are no factions, etc) and the backstory is completely different to that in the book. Be warned that is this rated M, and will have some seriously hot scenes as we progress into the story. _

_**—**__None of the characters belong to me, except the original ones that _**_I_**_ create. I am merely borrowing the characters that Veronica Roth invented for my own story. I own the plot._

* * *

**Chapter 1 — TRIS**

_Keep going._

Tris told herself, as she pushed herself to finish that last mile that she had been dreading. She had already finished majority of her run, leaving the hardest to last: the big uphill climb that would take everything she got left. There wasn't much left in her body, her energy was dropping well below what was safe and normal, and her vision was beginning to fail her. Her whole body was malfunctioning.

The grass crunched beneath her feet, and Tris tried to concentrate on that annoying sound, rather than the burning in her legs. She had to reach deep down, needing to fuel the fire that was now just a spark caught in the wind. She summoned the last thing she remembered before her whole world got shot to hell—Peter screaming, crashing, thrashing manically in her room, flinging objects in every direction whilst hurling insults at her. She remembered how terrified she was then—how terrified she was of him _all_ the time. He was possessive, he was destructive, he was a ticking time bomb, and sure enough, he had exploded. The memory triggered the tiny embers that in turn ignited the blaze again. This time, she let it consume her whole body, using the trigger to dig deep and will herself to run faster this time.

The wind picked up again, and she felt like she was floating in the breeze. Her hair clung to the sweat on her neck, and it tickled her, but nothing could destroy this moment of peace now. She let the soft wind push her along, as she struggled up the hill that she had been dreading since it came into view two blocks ago. With each step, she could feel the burning sensation in her leg intensifying, crippling her. She chewed down on her lip to stop herself from crying out.

She was so close. The country farmhouse that she had been—and will be—calling home for the summer holiday was there, just beyond her reach. When she left here, she would never have imagined coming back. In fact her last promise before leaving was to make something of herself. But what had she accomplished since then? Sure, she was studying to be an English Major, but besides that, what did she have to show for herself? A trophy girlfriend to an abusive partner… Surely, that couldn't be all to the promise. There had to be more—_there had to be more to herself. _

Tris had left, wanting a new life for herself, rather than the farmer girl who wore pigtails all day. She wanted something _more_; a life that was rewarding, fulfilling, and a life that was meaningful. She wanted to live a life with a purpose. Now, she was back, wanting to escape the new life she had invented for herself—the life where her ex-boyfriend was a controlling freak and her relationship was nothing but a complete disaster. The new life she had created herself was wrong… it wasn't like all she had imagined. So, without much of a surprise, she was back. Back to where it all started. It shouldn't be a shock to anyone because that was what she did best. She _ran_ when things got tough.

Her heels dug into the soft mud, as she carried down the empty stretch of road. The one thing that she used to believe in—the only thing that would reassure that everything would be okay in the end—was now just another organ that allowed her to live. The red had turned to black, flesh into stone, and it now solely beats out of rage and hopelessness instead of love.

She tried to take in another deep breath, knowing all too well that she had pushed herself too far on the run. It was June, the hottest time of the year, and the sun was beating down on her hard. She used the back of her hand to dot away the beads of sweat that stuck to her skin. Every muscle in her body screamed for a break, to slow down, but she didn't listen. She had to continue to push herself, because if she didn't, her mind would wander. And she didn't want to remember anything from the past few years of her life.

She didn't want to remember how she left all the good things behind in her life, her parents who loved her more than the world, her brother, and the girl who had been there her whole life. _Christina_… The name felt almost foreign on her lips. She hadn't seen her friend in so long. Yes, they had made effort to keep in contact over the last four years but it had been hard. Email was their main form of contact, since calls were fairly expensive over states, but even then, time seemed to slip away from them. First it was days, then weeks, which quickly turned into months. Tris couldn't remember the last time she had even spoken to her friend. It had been so long. There was so much to tell, so much Tris desperately wanted to spill. She had missed her friend so much; they had used to talk daily, gossiping about their days and complain about how boring their lives were. Now, Tris wanted nothing but boring again…

She ran harder. She didn't want to remember how horrible her life in the metropolis was, how terrible living with Peter had been for the past few years. Like anything, the first few months were perfect, and for a while, it seemed like nothing could go wrong. She had spoken far too soon, because only a while later everything changed. Peter would come home, grumpy and totally cut off. Tris, being naïve, had thought it was a bad day at the office, but it only occurred more frequently each time, until it was every day. He had grown cold, rude and bitter. He was nothing like the man she had fallen for.

The faded letters spelling out her last name—Prior—came into view as she turned into the gravel road that led to the small two-story house. She pushed through the pain, sweat and tears, and focused on how badly her legs were now aching, threatening to buckle beneath her weight. She tried not to think about how her life had turned for the worse, and how she was now running from her past. She reached out, silently willing the house to be a few metres closer to the road. Her arms stretched in front of her, her body on the verge of collapsing, but the house was still so far away. The driveway seemed to be a million times longer than she had remembered. She reached out when she felt blackness sweeping across her mind, but her fingers grasped nothing but air.

…

"Ugh," she groaned as she pushed herself into a hunch, propping herself onto her elbows. Her head was pounding, and she felt slightly delirious. Her vision was spinning, and she quickly moved a hand to her temple, trying to steady herself mentally. Only then did she realize how much her muscles were aching from her calves through her shoulders. "What happened to me?" She muttered beneath her breath as she scooted more upright. She looked across the room to where her mother was standing in the kitchen, with a concerned expression on her face.

Her lips were tightened into a straight line, and Tris felt herself skip a breath. Was she furious that she had passed out? Or was she angry that she had gone for a run despite her warnings? She braced herself for a scolding, but it never came.

"Glad you're finally awake." Her mother said, taking her time to fill a glass of water before walking to her side. "How are you feeling?" She asked as she passed the glass of water.

Tris took it with shaking hands. They were still weak. In fact, a lot of the muscles in her body took a good beating today. "Better." She managed to croak out. Her lips felt dry, and she ran her tongue over the cracks to smooth them out. Her lips were cracked and broken, possibly from the heat and the dehydration, but more probably, from her chomping down on them in nervous twitches.

"Um…" She began to rub her arms, not knowing how to apologize. "Sorry I scared you like that. I guess I didn't know how exhausted I really was towards the end… I know you warned me about running today—and I should've listened—but I just needed to clear my mind… I needed to forget about some things…" Tris swallowed. She hadn't told her parents about Peter yet—they knew most of it, just not the gory details. She was planning to tell them but the right time never came up. She bit down on her bottom lip, praying that her mother wouldn't question her.

Luckily, she didn't. "I get it. I just wish you took someone with you… you're lucky that a nice man found you and carried you all the way down the driveway." Her mother paused to peer down curiously at her. Tris shifted beneath her gaze. "He was really sweet, a gentleman actually. You should've seen the way he looked at you. He looked so worried, and he stayed long enough to make sure you were in good hands. It's a shame he didn't stay longer though, it would've been nice to have him around for dinner as a small thank you."

Her mother looked so sad, so Tris forced a smile, but she wasn't really looking for another man right now. "That's good…" She mumbled, trying to act interested.

"He was pretty easy on the eyes too…" Her mother looked up at her, eyebrow raised.

Tris shook her head. "I think I'm all set for the summer. Besides, I don't need a man to have fun." She let out a small exhale. "I'm just here to take a break from the studying."

Her mother's eyes flickered over to the seat beside her, and Tris shifted so she could sit. "I know that." She said, voice small. "I just thought it might be good to let loose once in a while, you know?" She took Tris' hands into hers. "Sometimes relationships don't work, and it's completely fine because that's all a part of life. But sometimes, you need to stop worrying about the future so much, and just live in the moment. I think that's what you need right now. I think you need someone to help you take your mind off Peter for a while." She turned to give Tris a small smile. "I don't care if it's with a guy or not. Just remember to have fun… Okay?"

Tris choked out a small "Okay" of her own.

"Good." Her mother said with a strong nod, then promptly got up and returned back to the kitchen, tending to the large pot on the stove.

Tris let her eyes wander over the kitchen. It hadn't changed much over the years, and the pastel yellow wallpaper still lined the kitchen. This left a small smile on Tris' face; she had loved that colour so much. Her nostrils filled with a delicious scent, and she licked her lips unknowingly in anticipation.

"What is that?" Tris asked, letting her curiosity get the better of her.

"Dinner." Her mother turned and answered with a smile. "Now why don't you go get cleaned up. Dinner will be ready when you come down."

* * *

**A/N: **_Hello everybody! And welcome to my new story. I hope you've enjoyed this first chapter, despite how short and slow it is. I promise you—well I can't really—but the story should get better as it goes along… especially when a mysterious guy (*hint hint*) comes into the story. For those who came from my old stories, thank you for sticking with me! __As always, thank you for reading and leave me a review with your thoughts. :)_

**Important information for those who don't already know:**

_If you want to be kept in the loop about my new and upcoming stories, then you can always subscribe to me. If you don't want to, just check my profile page frequently as I update that often. I have my completed and current stories, as well as my to-do list on there (*shamefully shakes head* yes... I have so many stories to work on)... but also if I haven't updated in a while, and you don't know what's happening, you can get the news there first._


	2. Chapter 2

**THE ART OF LOSING YOURSELF**

Chapter 2 — TOBIAS

He had every intention of drinking himself into oblivion that afternoon and into the following morning. He wanted to dull out his senses so he couldn't feel, but it seemed like fate had other plans for him. He could deal with a fight breaking out—after all, what was a night drinking without a fight or two—however, he certainly wasn't expecting to play knight in shining armor to the girl who had overheated on her mid-afternoon run. Who could possibly be that stupid to run when during the hottest part of the day? Surely, the sun was blasting down on you was a clear sign that it wasn't the right time to go for a 'casual jog'. But it seemed even that couldn't faze this girl.

He had to admit that this wasn't the first time he had seen her. The first time was down at the local diner, the one on the corner of MacIntosh and Willoughby Drive, she had been scribbling furiously into her notepad. She was so absorbed in what she was doing that that she was oblivious to what was happening around her. Tobias had never been one for girls, he had sworn off girls since the last relationship that went south, so it was odd for that he found himself studying her. He was mesmerized by the way her hand floated across the page delicately, leaving across rushed drabbles and smeared ink dots as she wrote. She was captivating. Her beauty was pure. She wasn't one to flaunt her beauty in revealing clothes or a fake personality. She rather hid herself well in her sweatshirt and no make up, bundling up her notepad into the safety of her arms before she left. She was like nothing he had seen before. So, imagine the surprise when he found that three hours had slipped by so easily.

He jumped down from his beat up Ford, letting out a sigh as he went. He almost wanted to turn around because he feared that if he stuck around long enough to know her, he wouldn't be able to let go—Tobias wasn't one for attachments because he would often skip towns as quickly as they came. He knew though, if she opened her eyes and looked up at him, he wouldn't be able to drop everything and go. He needed to get this under control. He couldn't let a girl get the better of him now. After all, he had come here to get a fresh start, he couldn't be distracting himself with a girl… no matter how beautiful.

He treaded over to her, eyes laced with concern, as he looked her over. Her chest was still rising and falling evenly, a good sign she was still breathing. Just as he was deliberating whether he should just leave her hear—someone was bound to see her—she let out a small whimper. A small voice inside scorned him for being so selfish, the sun had already taken its toll on her, and another half an hour could be deadly. Without a second thought, he crouched by her side and scooped her up into his arms. He tucked his elbow under her knees and used the other arm to clutch her body to his chest. Her head fell against his chest, and for a moment, he was lost. He was catapulted back into the day in the diner, staring hopelessly at her beauty.

He shook his head, trying to get the image from his mind. With her curled tightly in his arms, he walked off towards the house. She was surprisingly light and it didn't take much effort to hold her in his arms. He wrinkled his nose. She looked healthy enough, on the skinnier side but she looked fit. On the walk down the driveway, he found himself studying her. Her lips were cracked and dry, and she made wheezing sounds every time she tried to breathe. Her throat was dry… he would have to get her water soon. Her long blonde ponytail brushes against his bicep and he felt his breath stop. The sunlight shines upon her, illuminating the light and dark highlights in her hair. Her sun-kissed tan is flushed and glistening with sweat as she scrunches her nose up. She was probably dying from heat exhaustion and dehydration, so it was probably a good thing that he had found her when he did.

Inside he wanted to yell. He was here looking for a fresh start, and when trouble came knocking, he could easily slip away unnoticed, so long as he hadn't dug an impressionable hole for himself. However, right here, the girl in his arms just shot a hole through his master plan. She would be the one and only reason why he wouldn't be able to leave—the very first glance he sent in her direction had warned him that much. He needed to keep his distance from now on. Tobias was so close to freedom now… he couldn't afford to throw all the progress he had made away.

The house grew bigger, and he knew he was making good pace despite holding an unconscious girl in his arms. Even though it took little effort to carry her, the full sun made it impossibly harder. He hiked her further upwards when he felt her slipping. He was almost at the front porch when he heard a woman's voice call out from behind him.

"Tris? Is that you?" He saw a head pop out from the side of the house. He then heard footsteps and he heard a small gasp. "Oh god! What happened?"

He turned to look at the woman, who was assumedly the mother of the girl in his arms. The resemblance was very clear. "I found her collapsed out in the driveway, and I thought it would be best to not leave her out there."

She nodded hastily along his words. "Of course." She then gestured towards the house. "Better get inside, away from this heat then. Shall we?"

Tobias took a step aside, letting the woman squeeze past.

Once inside, she shrugged off the padded gloves she had on and placed them on the dining table. Tobias stood by the door, surveying the house. It was quite deceptive. The outside seemed small, even though it was a two-story house, but the inside was huge. Perhaps not huge, but bigger than anything he had grown accustomed to.

"Could you place her there?" Her mother asks, pointing to the brown fabric sofa that sat in the other room. Before he could reply, she had already run off to fetch a cool rag and some drinkable water.

Tobias nodded numbly at her request, though she wasn't there to acknowledge it. He walked over to the couch in question and placed her down gently to place. He made sure to put a pillow beneath her head for extra support and lazily draped a thin shawl around her body. The warm breeze that drifted in from the open door hit him square in the chest, and he shuddered. With her no longer in his arms, he felt bare. He definitely missed the feel of her securely wrapped into the safety of his chest. He managed to steal one last glance before her mother came back, a moist towel in one hand and a glass in the other.

She then proceeded to place the dripping wet cloth on her daughter's forehead, humming a tune softly whilst doing so. Tobias felt suddenly uncomfortable. He needed to go now.

"I should probably get going…" Tobias mumbles beneath his breath. He didn't know what to say, and he doubted that she was paying him any attention, but he tried anyway.

It seemed she had heard him. She stood up, dusting her work apron that he hadn't noticed until now, before extending out her hand for a shake.

"I want to thank you for bringing my daughter home to me safely. To whom should I extend my gratitude to?" She paused, waiting for him to interject with his name.

"Tobias." He informs her, deliberately leaving out a last name.

She didn't seem to mind. "Well, thank you, Tobias." Her eyes shine with so much relief and happiness. Her lip quivers as she speaks, and Tobias knows, she as stuck for words as he is. However, he can clearly see that she is very much sincere in her words, and that is all that matters.

Tobias gives her a brief but polite nod before turning to head out the door. He was halfway through the door when he hears her speak up.

"Do you want to stay behind for dinner?" She asked, her voice sounding hopeful and kind. "I'm making beef stew."

He sends her a heart-warming smile before gently shaking his head. "No, it's quite alright, ma'am." He stopped, he wanted to say that he had other dinner plans but that wasn't quite true, and he didn't want to lie to an honest woman. "I don't want to be a burden." He says instead.

"No, it won't be a burden at all." She insists quickly, "And there's no need to call me ma'am. Please, call me Natalie."

The side of his lips curls up into a smile. "Will do, Natalie. But I'm afraid I can't stick around for much longer." His eyes flickered to where Tris was now sleeping. He swallowed the pit in his stomach that made it hard for him to leave. he looked away, knowing he couldn't leave with his eyes still firmly trained on her. He took a few steps out the door, calling over his shoulder as he went. "Please send Tris my regards."

She gave him a nod and another kind smile before he set off down the driveway. The whole drive back into town, he couldn't stop thinking about _her_.

…

The next day went by very slowly. Tobias had spent the better half of the day applying every job he thought he was qualified for, and even those which were a little above his pay job, but none stuck. In a huff of anger, he had sat himself down at the café on the main street, watching everyone hustle off to their jobs and just stroll about their daily lives. He flipped open to the job recruitment page near the back of the local paper. Most of the advertisements had been scribbled across with big, red crosses. He was almost about to rip the paper to shreds when he heard a faint chuckle.

"Are you looking for a job?" The voice said.

He turned to see Natalie, Tris' mother. She was peering at him curiously, eyes flickering back and forth between the newspaper and him. Instinctively, he moved his hand to cover the sheet, trying to hide his embarrassment.

With an awkward chuckle, he spoke. "It seems I am." He shook his head in defeat. "I've applied to so many, but no one seems to have replied. I'm probably new and people probably don't trust me yet. I think that's why people don't want to hire me…" He tried not to sound too pessimistic, and added in a small laugh but it was too forced to sound convincing. He cleared his throat and hoped that she wouldn't think he was an ungrateful and uptight guy.

She gave him a small consoling smile. "That's what I don't understand at all. You seem like—and I'm sure you are—a nice and honest gentleman. I don't see their problem with trusting you… it's not like you've given them any reason _not_ to. And I don't doubt that you'll come in handy with anything that needs lifting I'm sure. I see no possible reason why they don't want you around." She shook her head, sighing. "Sometimes, it's like I don't understand how this town works."

He opened his mouth to say _something _but he just didn't know what to say. "Thanks" didn't seem appropriate, and neither did ignoring that comment. So what followed was a brief moment of silence where neither of them knew what to say, but didn't want to cut the conversation shorter either. He opened his mouth to try again but it seemed she had beat him to the punch.

Her eyes lit up. "I know what!" She exclaimed. "It just so happens that we're looking for help around the farm so if you don't mind doing some lifting and helping with general work." She took a moment to take a breath before rambling on again. "I mean it's no easy job, and it's long hours at a time, but you could always stay with us at the farm on days you're working… or all the time if you prefer. I'm sure Andrew wouldn't mind one bit. In fact, I think he'd be ecstatic to have someone around that could actually be helpful for once."

He shook his head, "No, it's quite alright. I'm sure I can find some work here… I don't want to cause trouble for you—"

She beamed a smile at him. "It's no trouble at all." She dropped her voice lower, "To be honest, it'd be refreshing to have someone new at the place. It's gotten so boring, and once in a while you just need someone new to spice things up. You know?" She looked up at him, waiting for an answer. He could only give her a slight nod. She seemed satisfied by that and continued, "Drop by the house anytime later today, and I'll give you the brief run-down and show you around the house. You can bring your stuff and we'll get you settled in no time. And I'm sure that Tris would like to say her thanks personally."

He opened his mouth to try to express his gratitude but she was ready to interrupt him. "I know what you're going to say, and there's no need for that. It's the least I can do. I expect to see you later today. It was so nice to see you again, Tobias." She gave him a small smile but her eyes were shining already.

"You too." He managed to say, but his mind wondered if he had made the wisest decision.

He remembered the way she felt in his arms, like she was made to be cradled into his chest, and how hard it was to tear his eyes away from her. His heart squeezed in his chest, and suddenly the air around felt very thin. It was becoming increasingly harder for him to think straight, without his thoughts turning to _her_. In the few minutes he had known her, she had already wormed her way into his mind, and now he couldn't shake her. It was then he decided. "Fuck that." He muttered beneath his breath, adding in a few inventive curse words as he went. "I don't care. I _have_ to know her."

* * *

**A/N: **_I think for this story, I'm going to try to alternate chapters between Tris and Tobias, that way you'd get abetter view of the overall story. On another note… I am so excited for the next chapter, are you? It's when everything falls into place, and sets the pace for the whole story. I can't wait to explore the friendship and gradual step (or maybe leap) into the relationship stage of their dynamo. Ahhh, I can't seem to get this idea out of my head, so I will try to update as soon as possible. However, because__ I am back at Uni now, things are getting a little more hectic than usual. So updates should come once every 4days—1 week (or shorter if you're lucky). _

_Thank you so much those who's already shown support for this story! I just want to say that none of this would be possible without your support, so thank you! __As always, leave a review for me to read (I try to reply to each one, so if you want an answer to your question, drop me a review using an account. BUT I would love to read what you think regardless of whether you have an FFNET account or not). :)_


	3. Chapter 3

**THE ART OF LOSING YOURSELF**

Chapter 3 — TRIS

The day following her run in with the mid-summer's heat had passed fairly slowly. It was so boring that she was convinced that this summer was going to be just as mind numbing as the last. There was barely anything to do on the farm besides helping out, and since it was currently too hot for anything to grow, there was only heavy weeding and replanting to be done. Since the replanting could only be done once the men fertilized the area and because the weeding required brute strength that she simply did not have, she spent majority of that afternoon holed up in her room. Inside was her safe haven, where she could spend hours with only pen and paper, but of course, her mother did not see it this way.

"It's such a nice day outside. Why don't you go out and enjoy the sunshine? Maybe go out and visit the town?" Her mother had suggested a little later that day.

Tris shrugged. "I don't know. There's nothing to do in town. There's only the farmer's markets which only run on weekends, and since it's Wednesday, the square is mostly deserted."

She sat down next to Tris with a sigh. "I'm sure there's plenty of things to do if you just looked. You could go out and visit the places you haven't seen in a long time… familiarize yourself with this place again. You haven't been here in _four_ years and that's a long time. Lot's of things have changed since then, and it might be good for you to see what's different." She suggested, but her voice was rather firm.

"I'm positive that not _that many_ have changed." She licked her lips, and then continued, "Besides, I _have_ been to town. I've seen it, mum, and it's a pretty small place so there's nothing I could've missed."

Her mother frowned at her, "Tris. That was last week when I asked you to run down to the grocery store. You were there for a total of ten minutes. I don't think you could've seen absolutely _everything_." She then took in a big breath and released it in a heavy sigh. "Please just go outside for a change. All this time spent indoors isn't healthy for you. You're starting to look paler, and noticeably skinner. Have you not been feeling well?"

Her mother looked her over and Tris shifted uncomfortably beneath her stare. "I'm fine, mum. And I like staying indoors. You know I do."

A sad smile wandered over her mother's lips. "I know, sweetheart, I'm just worried about you. Why don't you go out and see one of your friends again? I'm sure Christina would love to see you again, it's been so long since you've spoken to her."

"I wouldn't even know where she is." Tris mumbled beneath her breath.

"Why don't you start at her place?" Her mother's voice lifted with hope. "I know for a starters that she hasn't moved houses. Perhaps you should start there?" She then got up, straightening up her pinstripe dress. "Oh, and could you pick up some baker's flour please?"

Tris nodded numbly, not knowing how else to respond.

…

Although she had promised her mother to visit her old friend, she wasn't feeling entirely up to reunions at this point in time. But she had to at least pretend to be optimistic about seeing her childhood friend again in front of her mother—don't get her wrong. She was excited to see Christina again, but something about her in the past few weeks have been off. She hadn't been feeling herself, and a big part of her didn't want to socialize with anyone. So instead of taking the first left which would lead her to where Christina lived with her family, a route she had never forgotten, she took a right instead and hi-tailed it out of the farm.

She soon found herself outside of town a little whilelater. She knew this drive like nowhere else, this was the place she went to when she needed to think—it was the one place where she knew she could be herself… or at least pretend to be. It had been so long since she had lost track of who she was as an individual and as person of society that she didn't know who she was anymore. She was constantly torn between the person she strived to be, and the person that she was expected to become. The never-ending barrages of expectations made it almost impossible for her to think, impossible for her to figure out who she was, and who she wanted to be. This was the place where she could go to find out a solution—this was her safe haven.

She jumped down from her family's pick-up truck with a heavy thud. She could feel the dried up soil crunch beneath her feet as she treaded down the worn out path. She hadn't been here in four years but everything looked exactly like how she had remembered it. The little stream of water that pooled into a massive swimming hole was still the same, and only the surrounding trees and bushes had grown substantially larger but little else was different. The way pretty much everything was left undisturbed over the years was a clear indication that no one else frequented the place. She let out a sigh of relief. This was good, because it was _hers_.

She pulled out the small notebook from her cardigan pocket and withdrew a pen from the other. Perching herself on the rock beside the stream, she opened her mind to nature, listening to the rustle of the leaves and whirling from the water. She let her hand flow across the page effortlessly, spilling all her thoughts and emotions into the notepad in her hand. It was the one thing that knew her better than she knew herself. With each fleeting day, she could feel herself slowly slipping, falling into the chasm that was social conformity. That wasn't the person she wanted to be, she didn't want to belong to society; she wanted to be able to be herself—to express herself in ways that would be socially frowned upon. If she couldn't say the things she wanted to out loud, then she could at least write them. Buried beneath the pages were essentially the blocks of who she was as a person; the thoughts, feelings, emotions, heartbreaks and pain that made her who she was. Because eventually she knew she would lose all direction of who she was, and when that happened, then at least she could be reminded by what she wrote down. The book kept her grounded, and it was her little way of knowing that perhaps not everything could be taken from her. If she couldn't be who she was in real life, then at least she could still exist in paper form.

The day had slipped from her, and soon she found herselfbasking in the last hours of sunshine. With a huff of slight irritation (from knowing she had to return to the miserable farm) and a sullen promise that she would return soon, she bid farewell to her haven.

The drive back to town, and therefore back to the farm was painfully slow. The whole time, her mind kept flickering back to the man who had supposedly carried her inside. She wondered whether he was a nice man, like her mother had described, but then that thought felt useless. _Of course he was nice. He carried you all the way down that long driveway and into the house. Then stayed to make sure you were okay. If that's not nice, I don't know what is._

She scowled. She just had to be right.

Her thoughts then turned to what the man looked like. _What did he look like? Was he good looking?_ Assuming that her mother had some sort of accuracy in the men department, then her so-called "rescuer" or "savior" as her mother had so eloquently said, had to be at least decent looking. She coughed out, as if disgusted by how her thoughts had taken a drastic turn.

"I'm not here to find another _love_ interest." She muttered sourly, scorning herself for how eager she was to meet this man. Her voice had come out so harsh that even she surprised herself. She then swallowed the uncomfortable lump in her throat and chewed on her lip, reminding herself a little softer this time. "I'm here to get a fresh start… a clean start. _No men whatsoever." _

…

When she got back to the farm, she noticed a strange car parked in the middle of the driveway. Her first instinct was to yell at whomever it belonged to, and how they could have such little disregard for anyone else who wanted to park beside them. The space was large enough for three, possibly four, but that single car took up a stupid amount of space by the stupid way it was parked.

Shaking her head, she jumped down from her car and stalked towards the front door, intending on giving that person a piece of her mind. "Idiot." She mumbled as she passed the car.

The first thing she saw when she entered the house was a man. His back was facing her, but she could tell he wasn't from here. His clothes were rugged, but undoubtedly country, possibly from another state or town. Her eyes drifted over to the two black spikes that poked out from the tip of his shirt. It was possibly a small section that he was hiding beneath his clothing and she suddenly wondered what the rest of his tattoo looked like. Rather than letting her thought take a wrong turn, she shook it from her head. No boys, remember? Besides, his stance told her all she needed to know; he was brooding, mysterious, and most likely, an asshole. She groaned inside. _Perfect… Just what I needed_.

She took a few steps inside the house, and looked around. She frowned when she saw that no one else was in sight. _Did this man just let himself in?_ _Did he not have any manners? _She opened her mouth, ready to yell at the man, when she heard her mother calling her.

"Oh there you are, Tris!" She said as she poked her head out from the kitchen. "I was beginning to worry when you were going to come back. It's been hours. Where have you been?"

Tris shrugged. "No where in particular."

Her mother just nodded. "Did you get my baker's flour on your way back?"

She bit down on her lip, fidgeting with the hem of her dress. "No. I completely forgot… I guess I lost track of time. I'll go out tomorrow and get it for you."

Her mother smiled sweetly and hummed. "No. It's quite all right. I can get it while I'm in town tomorrow."

Tris followed her mother back to the kitchen where she proceeded to help stack away plates. Her lip was red and raw from her chewing her lip, but she couldn't contain her curiousity any longer. "Who is that?" Tris asked, gesturing towards the man who was standing in the middle of their lounge room.

"That's Tobias." Her mother answered simply, making Tris raise an eyebrow, clearly not following. "He's here to help with the farm. He is also staying with us over the summer so please make him feel welcome." She began to make her way to the back door. "I'm going to call your father in for dinner. If you have time, could you please show Tobias around the house? I've set up a bed for him in the guestroom so take him there first so he can get settled in." Her mother beamed a smile at her.

Tris tried to return the smile but found it was rather forced. She cleared her voice, hoping that the cough would hide her discomfort. She turned, ready to introduce herself to the man when her mother yelled one more thing from the back porch.

"Oh, and he's also the man who brought you in when you overheated on your run. So I expect you to be courteous and kind to him during his stay. Don't forget to show him to the guest bedroom. Thanks Tris!"

Tris swallowed, trying to muster up the confidence to walk over and introduce herself. But before she could, the man turned around and she was struck square in the chest. All the air seemed to be knocked from her lungs and she found it horribly hard to breathe. The man was impossibly good looking, and had this sort of rugged appearance. It wasn't so much dangerous as mysterious and brooding, but he also had this way with him that made the air around her thicker.

_"Holy fuck_." She muttered under her breath, unable to contain the jitters that ran down her body. He was absolutely breathtaking. The kind that you could only dream of—and definitely the kind that you would not have the opportunity to meet in a lifetime—but here he was… in front of her… and he was staring at her like he wanted to savour her. She shivered under his gaze. The tip of his lips had curled up into a smirk, and she found herself thinking about how his lips looked so delicious… and what it was like to kiss them. She shook her head, willing the thought to go away. _No boys… remember? _She had to remind herself.

When she turned her attention back to him, she found that he was standing just meters from her with his arms crossed against his sculpted chest, watching her. His eyes were trained on her, and she felt herself shrinking from the intensity of his stare. His lips were pursed and she wondered if he was waiting for her to say something… _Probably, _she told then swallowed and licked her lips, ignoring how cracked and dry they were from taking the brunt of the sun earlier. Her throat was dry and it itched, but she still forced herself to speak—secretly hoping she wouldn't make a fool of herself whilst doing so.

She blinked. "Um, hi?" She muttered through her chattering teeth. _Why was she so goddamn nervous? _

His lips turned upwards into a smile—one that sent shivers running up and down her spine. "Hello."

They stood at arms length apart staring at each other. Fierce blue met enigmatic grey. No one spoke. Instead, they let silence sweep over them as they took each other in. Tris let her eyes drift from his black jeans, to his plain black tee that was a little too tight in some places. Her breath hitched when she saw his biceps bulging. That shirt did wonders for him. Her cheeks flushed crimson, and she tore her eyes away to hide her embarrassment.

She coughed, trying to clear the musky air around them. "… Should I show you around?" She said, trying to sound somewhat composed, but her nervous state flittered through her words, and her sentence seemed more like a question than an offer.

He flashed her a grin. "Lead the way."

* * *

**A/N: **_And there we have it… the moment everyone was waiting for. Hope you all enjoyed the chapter (and I will try to make them longer in the future) but as always, leave a review telling me your thoughts. Thanks :)_


	4. Chapter 4

**THE ART OF LOSING YOURSELF**

Chapter 4 — TOBIAS

"… So you're just here for the summer?"

"Huh?" He looked over her, confused, his mind elsewhere when she was talking—well that wasn't _entirely _true. His mind was on _her_, not that he would care to admit it in front of her. She frowned at him, almost daring as to give a glare but shook it off at the last minute. He could see her anger fade but the impatience remained.

"I asked you if you're here for the summer only." She repeated again, only this time with more irritation.

Tobias looked away, feeling sheepish. "Sorry." He looked her over, and when he found that she wasn't really paying him much attention, he mumbled an answer. "Yeah, I just moved into town and was just looking for some work while I'm here."

She gave him a curt nod, and that was the end of that conversation.

Instead of focusing on the small girl in front of him, Tobias tried to distract his mind with something else, preferably not something that could be tracked back to her. But she was just so _alluring_. Her beauty was even more impressive up close, and each time she spoke, he could feel his heart flutter, although he would usually repress the feeling as soon as it came. With each minute by her side, it was harder for him to pull himself away. He wanted to be near her, but he feared what he could do if he got too close.

He let her lead her down the hallway, to the room he was going to stay in for the next two months. He prayed that they got there quickly, so she would leave him alone, but a tiny speck in his body yearned it not to happen.

His feet came to a screeching halt when she suddenly stopped in front of him. He was about to open his mouth and ask her why she had so abruptly stopped but was unable to when she turned around. Her eyes met his, and he forgot how to even breathe.

"I heard from my mother that you're the one who found me unconscious. Is this true?" She bit down on her bottom lip and pulled at it. He could see how nervous she was.

"Yes." He wanted to say but found his throat was tightening in her presence. Instead, he opted for a brief but firm nod, his eyes never leaving hers for a moment.

She knitted her eyebrows again and puckered her lips, as if deep in thought. The sight of her made him want to grab her, press his hands flush against her back and kiss her eternity. She was so beautiful, yet so haunting—she had the face of an angel that would not escape his mind any time soon.

Her face softened and she took a step closer. A breath caught in his throat when he saw how close she was to him. It was almost impossible to stay away from her now. _Was she feeling what he was? _It took everything in him to take a step away.

"I'm sorry. I'm not looking for any of that right now. I need to keep my options open." Hurt flashed across her eyes and he instantly wanted to take back his words, but it was too late. He could see her walls closing up again, and her careful demeanor back.

She had a blank expression on her face now, the second of pain clearly gone. "I just wanted to say thank you." She put simply, but the hardness in her voice made him wince.

He chomped down on his bottom lip, to stop himself from doing the one thing he knew he wouldn't be able to repress for much longer. He wanted her, but he probably blew his chances out of the water. He wanted to smack himself for being such an idiot. Now, she would think he was just a heartless jerk. He looked away, trying to pretend he wouldn't be stuck in this house where the ever attraction and tension would be harder to deny than ever. But his mind wouldn't let him forget how _he_ was the one that had hurt her.

He followed her, head hung in defeat. She briefly showed him around the bottom level of the house, stating that her mother would show him the rest in the morning. She left promptly, and he was left to his mercy of his own mind.

He heard a faint knock shortly later, and a part of him hoped it was Tris, but it was only her mother telling him that dinner was ready. He thanked and told her he would be down soon. He gave himself another minute to compose himself, and to think of a way to apologize to Tris for being such a jerk.

Tobias stumbled down the hallway a few minutes later and found his host family gathered around the table. He felt a pang in his heart. Tris wasn't there.

…

Dinner had started off without a hitch, and it seemed that Andrew had approved of him almost straight away… much to the generosity of Natalie's words. He was glad he had another hand on the farm, one that didn't need to rush home when it got late. It was great to have his approval, and Tobias added in a nod and a few 'thanks' as the conversation grew for fear of sounding rude and ungrateful. Yet the whole time, his mind was on the girl who's dinner place sat empty and bare, her bowl unused and too clean for his liking.

When he heard the talk dwindle down, he took the opportunity to pipe in. "Where's Tris?" He asked nonchalantly.

Her mother gave him a small smile. "She said she wasn't feeling so well, so she went to sleep early. I'm sure you'll have a chance to see her tomorrow morning."

His whole body didn't know how to respond so he nodded and pretended to be eating, but really only playing with his food. Was he the reason why she didn't want to come to dinner?

He quickly excused himself and slipped out the back, needing a moment to breathe. He didn't know how long he had been out there, but inside had grown quiet. They had all probably gone to get ready for bed, and an early rise tomorrow morning, and a quick thought reminded him he should do the same. Tomorrow would be the first day, and he wanted to make a good impression by waking early, but he couldn't quite force himself back into the house where it was silent. It was so quiet that he would go crazy listening to his own thoughts.

The outside was warm but the chilly breeze gave him shivers. The afternoons were hot because of the harsh sun but when the sun disappeared, it would grow cold. He was busy reminiscing about his old life, when he heard a door open.

He watched as Tris stood out on the porch, letting out a big sigh. She hadn't seem him yet, most likely because he was tucked into the far corner in the only spot the moonlight couldn't touch. Her shoulders sagged as she strode out onto the railing, flinging her legs over. She was overlooking the farm, staring out into the night sky. It was then that he realized she hadn't been this relaxed since she was in his arms. Here, she looked so at ease, completely in tune with herself, as opposed to what he saw before—fiery, agitated and tense.

Snapping from his thoughts, he was faced with a conundrum. Should he make his appearance now or later? He thought about slipping back into the house, but he was sure she would notice since the door made quite the racket. He decided on the first option, deeming it the safest. He didn't want to wait until she discovered he was there all along. Then, she would probably think he was creepy along with being a heartless jerk.

He cleared his throat, and opened his mouth. "Hi."

He saw her head snap around as she squinted, eyes searching in the darkness. "Who's there?" She called. Her voice was loud but he could hear it shake.

He took the opportunity to step out of the shadow and under the light. He held his hands up against his chest and spoke, "It's just me."

"What are you doing out here?" She snapped.

He flinched at how blunt she sounded, and rather made a smart remark of his own… which didn't turn out to as cunning as he thought it would be. "What are _you_ doing out here?" He felt her puff out an agitated breath, and he suddenly regretted his words. "Okay. I'm sorry. I don't mean to sound like a prick."

She looked him over before turning away. "Are you usually like this?" She whispered, her voice barely touching the air.

He sucked in a breath. "I don't know."

"How do you not know?" Her voice was trembling, and it took a lot in him to stand his ground. "I just don't understand why you're like this. One second, you're so sweet, and the next, you say something that's just completely out of line…"

He sighed as he strode over to her. Before he could help it, the words were spilling from his mouth before he could take the words back. There was something about her that made him want to tell her everything. It was like there was a silent pull towards her, a compulsion like effect she had on him, and he wanted to be completely honest with her. It was like nothing he had experienced before, and he didn't want to spend the rest of his time here fightin it when every bone in his body told him _this_—whatever they had—was so right.

"I don't know what's wrong with me. It's like every time I'm with you, my body is set on fire and I have no clue with to say to you. I'm stuck, words clogging my mouth, and I'm trying to find something decent to say but I always end up sounding like a dick. Something about you makes me like this, and it—it scares me, you know?"

He had perched himself on the railing beside her, but she was still unwilling to look at him. "Well, it scares me too." In that second, he swore he saw a tear roll down her cheek but when he blinked, it was gone.

He hung his head low and muttered. "Do you want me to leave?"

She gave a tiny shake of her head, her lip quivering. "No." She whispered, clamping her eyes shut. "I don't want you to leave."

He nodded, but didn't reply. They sat in silence, overlooking the green pastures of the land, and rows of cherry trees. It looked so surreal, and the whole scenery took his breath away. It seemed so unlikely that he was here—enjoying this picturesque place with a beautiful girl beside him. He gulped, trying not to let his eyes linger on her for too long.

"Do you have someone special?" The question popped out of his mouth before he could stop himself. He wasn't so sure why he asked the question or even if he wanted the answer.

He saw her hesitate. "Yes…" Her face scrunched up. "No… I don't know. It's complicated…"

_Isn't it always? _He thought. Tobias watched as she leaned her head back, letting the wind brush the exposed skin on her neck. She opened her mouth and let out a little gasp. He licked his lips, wanting to plant his mouth on her hot skin. He squirmed in his pants, the sight of her like this making his insides ignite all over. He could smell her unique scent, the breeze carrying it perfectly as it drifted into his nose. She made such a tempting picture that he had to grip the ledge to stop himself from leaning closer to her. So instead, he tried to concentrate on the conversation.

"So you don't have anyone?" He tore his eyes away and asked. He couldn't bear to look into her blues when she told him she had someone waiting for her. He was sure his heart wouldn't be able to take that.

She shook her head. "No, I don't." She clarified.

He looked back at her, and found that she was looking back at him.

"Why not?" She looked at him like he had asked the most ridiculous question. He opened his mouth to explain himself. "I mean, you're gorgeous, you're smart, funny and you can be feisty from what I've seen." He chuckled, trailing his fingers along the rough wood beside her fingers. The temptation to grab her hand was very much there, and strong, and he pulled his hand away at the last minute. "You stand up for yourself, and I like that. You're not like any girls I know, so I'm just confused as to why you're by yourself."

"I wasn't always that way…" He voice was so small, so delicate. "I didn't use to be strong—I couldn't use to stand up for myself—but I guess that's another story for another time. I guess people just don't see me the way you see me. When they look at me, they see someone weak, someone not worth loving. And I guess over time, I stopped believing in myself and let their words rule the way I live. But not anymore, I want to be someone who's worth something… you know?" He nodded. "When you let someone dictate your entire life, you're not really living anymore. And I want to _live_. I want to _live_ to be my own person, and I don't want to let someone else's words define who I am as a person."

Her words rung true in his head. "Maybe you haven't discovered who you are yet and where you belong in life. I mean, aren't we all still searching for that one place where we just _fit_?"

"But what if we never find that?" He could hear her swallow loudly. "What if we never find out who we are?" The vulnerability in her voice made him want to fold her into his arms and kiss her until her tears disappeared.

He was pissed that she didn't think of herself as anything but weak but he wasn't angry at her. He was angry at those around her who had made her feel like she was worth nothing. He wanted to drive his fist into those who wanted to hurt her. He didn't understand why they would want to tear down such an innocent and pure soul.

He reached out slowly and took both her cheeks into his hands. "Look at me." He growled. His voice came out a little sharper than he had expected but nonetheless she obeyed. Her eyes flickered up to meet his hesitantly. "Never say that, okay?" She bit down on her lip. "You're beautiful and you're strong. You're amazing; never let someone tell you otherwise. Do you hear me?"

Her eyes flickered, searching for something in his. She brushed her hair behind her ear. "Why are you being so nice to me?"

He looked away. "Because I hate seeing you like this. You deserve someone who will make you feel happy. Someone who will treat you like you are the world."

He felt her shift closer to him, and he suddenly felt her hot flesh pressed firm onto his. She was looking up at him, eyes shining bright, and her hair sweeping in the breeze. The air felt sticky around them. And all he had to do to break it was to reach up, put his hand on her waist and tug her closer, knowing all too well that she would melt into him. The attraction between them was undeniable; the sexual tension was thick and musky. He just had to kiss her because that was all it would take. All he needed to do was grab her and kiss her into oblivion… It was what they both wanted, but he couldn't… he knew he shouldn't. _She deserved better_.

He knew that even if he tried with all his might, he would never be good enough for her. He was damaged. He was dangerous. He was wrong for her in every way. He just wasn't_ enough_.

"Tris. Stop." He demanded and pushed himself away. Every part of his body burned when he ripped himself from her touch. "What I said before stands. You deserve someone better, someone who will treat you right—"

"—And I know you will." She added hastily, desperate to have the same tension as before. She reached out for him but he took a step backwards.

Tobias shook his head. "I'm not good enough for you, Tris. At least, not in the way you need. You're young, Tris, and you have yet to experience so much. I don't want to hold you back… I don't want to take advantage of you before you even get a taste of all the good things you'll get to have."

She was on her feet now, moving towards him. "It's not taking advantage if I offer… If i want it too. You can't deny this." She pointed at the space between them. "You can't say that you don't have any feelings for me, because I know, I can feel it in here," she pointed to her heart this time. "I know you want me as bad as I want you. So don't push me away, telling me it's for me. If you leave, it's for _you_, not for _me." _

Her words struck a chord, and it was all true, but he couldn't. He had to get away now, or he was going to give in. Her scent filled him, and she was so close that he could feel heat coming off her body in waves. He clenched his teeth together and backed up until he couldn't go any further. "I'm sorry, but I just don't feel the same."

He let his hands drop his side, his shoulders sagging as he turned to go back inside. His mind was screaming for him to stop, but he couldn't. He needed to get away… _being away from him was the safest thing for her._

* * *

**A/N: **_I am so sorry for not updating as regularly as I normally would but Uni is really catching up to me, so like I said, updates should be once every 4 days to 1 week. I want to say thank you for the overwhelming about of responses to the last chapter so I am sorry to have done this to you now… I feel horrible for ending this chapter in the way it has but do not fret! FourTris is endgame._

_Hope you all enjoyed this, and leave me your thoughts to read. :)_


	5. Chapter 5

**THE ART OF LOSING YOURSELF**

Chapter 5 — TRIS

Tobias must've been avoiding her because she rarely saw him around. She only caught onto glimpses, glances of a lingering shadow cast on the wall or the faint smell of him, but she never saw _him._

She was now sprawled across the bed awake, reliving every minute of the conversation on the porch like she had been for the past few nights. She had been startled when Tobias had stood out from within the shadows. She hadn't seen him, and only now was she beginning to wonder how long he had been there. Watching her…

There was something different—off, even—it was strange; he was so calm, so relaxed. There was this definite allure to him that few moments they were alone, nothing she had seen before. For the first time, he was not the usual pained and tense person he had been the first time they ever spoke. He seemed to even be enjoying himself, even asking her questions, to which she didn't want to answer but did so anyway. However, his thoughts seemed to loiter on one particular subject, whether she had a boyfriend. Tris didn't know what possessed her, what made her spill everything she had kept bottled down inside. It was uncontrollable, almost like word vomit, and she had expected him to cringe, to retreat inside, deeming it too much, but he didn't. He stayed put. She would've been relieved if she weren't so anxious about what he brought up next. Things got rough after that, he began to tell her all the things she didn't want to believe… that she was beautiful, and strong, and that she deserved to be happy… but they weren't true. She knew that. Surely he had to, too. She would've run, because that's what she did best, but the way the words rolled off his tongue so effortlessly, like he had been rehearsing them for hours, made her stay. She was so stuck in his words that the heart caught her in the throat by accident, and she was struggling—and failing so miserably—to swallow it back down.

Then he looked at her like… _like she was nothing he had ever seen before_. He looked at her like she had always dreamed of, like she had always read but could only fantasize about. Then suddenly, he was so close to her. Her chest was pressed against his side and she knew he wanted it as much as she did. There was something pulling her to him, something she couldn't resist—and she didn't want to fight it any longer—so she stopped swallowing, and held her breath. Their lips were so close, but so far—and in that moment, she wish she had the guts to lean that little bit further upwards and claim them as her own.

But something that changed in him then, like a gear that had gone skewed and replaced, and he was back to his usual stoic self. She remembered the way he spoke to her in those last few minutes before everything in her was shattered to pieces… _I'm sorry, but I just don't feel the same…_ She remembered feeling her heart shatter in her chest and it was so hard to breathe even with all the air swirling around her.

She must've dozed off at some point because when she opened her eyes again, the sky was still dark. Groggily, she pulled herself from the bed. She pulled her shawl around her body tighter, shivering slightly from the dream she had awoken from. She looked out her window, brushing her fingers lightly against her lips, remembering what it was like to kiss _him_. In her dream, she did have the confidence to claim his lips, and although she couldn't quite remember the details of what they felt like, she remembered that it felt good. Bringing herself from her daze, she quietly slipped out of her room.

The house was silent, and she knew that she might run into him at this time of the day. Tobias was an early riser, much like her father, and she barely saw him around. She wasn't sure whether she wanted to see him. So many days had passed, and it would be awkward to bring up the almost-kiss now, no matter how much she wanted to ask _why—why he didn't just kiss her and why he pushed her away. _Most of all, she just wanted to know whether he was feeling as stuck as she was, absentmindedly living each day, and at night pretending that she was safe in his embrace.

She shook her head. _Of course he wasn't. _He was the one who had pushed her away. She bit down on her lip, wondering why she was so caught up in him… _Tobias_. His name was strange, and it took a few tries for her to say it properly without rolling her tongue, but she liked it. She was never one for men, and more importantly, commitment especially after her last bombshell. There was something about him though, something that made him special.

"Stop it." She hissed, scorning herself for being so stupid. She had to stop thinking about him this way. "He doesn't want you. Let it go." She said but her own words hit her hard.

She padded across the kitchen after retrieving her cup of tea before lounging herself on the couch. The house was empty like expected even at this early hour. They were probably all out in the fields already and her mother down at the local markets more likely. She was all alone in the big house, feeling horribly small. She withdrew the small notebook she always carried around regardless of where she went and placed the pen to paper.

Soon she was in another word, completely absorbed in her writing. It was the only thing that kept her grounded, and it was the only thing that understood her. She found herself in the words of books. It was like other people were telling her exact life, her torment and anguish inside, and the hardship she was facing trying to plant herself in the world. Books were her escape, and when she was old enough to write on her own, she vowed to write one that detailed her own life.

"What are you doing?" Tobias spoke softly but she jumped nonetheless.

Tris quickly slammed her notebook closed and turned to face him. "Don't do that." She barked, angry that he had intruded in her own personal space. He laughed… _why was he laughing? _

"I haven't seen you around lately." He commented.

"I wonder why," was what she wanted to snap back but she held her quick remark. Instead, she continued to look at him, watching as his own eyes flickered between the book in her hand to her face.

"You're up early." He put simply. He was standing so close to her now that she could smell him again. The familiar scent took her back to the porch and she coughed back the tears. She wouldn't allow herself to cry in front of him.

"I didn't sleep well." She let him draw his own conclusions about why.

A flash of sadness crossed his face before it was replaced by his usual neutral expression. "Oh," was all he said.

She turned back away, a little bit in her frightened to look into his eyes for too long. With a swish of the hand, her hair made the perfect cover. She couldn't see him now, but she could still feel his eyes on her. She tried to ignore them, focusing on her own fingers instead but it was pretty hard considering he was practically glaring holes into her head. She knew he still hadn't moved because he could still hear his breaths coming out in short pants. She made herself consciously aware of her own breathing, slowing it down so that he would not be aware of how fast her heart was beating. She prayed that he would leave, but for he didn't.

After a while she turned to face him, unable to bear his uncomfortable stare. "What do you want?"

"I—I—" He stuttered and her anger flamed.

"Having trouble speaking?" She asked, "You didn't have trouble speaking last night. If I remember correctly, you had plenty to say." She spoke, more harshly than intended. She saw him flinch but recoil quickly.

His eyes softened and his voice lowered greatly. "I'm sorry." He muttered.

She was shocked. "What did you say?" Her own voice scared and trembling now.

"I said I'm sorry." He looked away, planting his eyes on the floor.

"Sorry for what? Sorry for meeting me? Sorry for talking to me? Or sorry for ruining my heart for anyone else—" She clasped her hand over her mouth, shocked. She couldn't believe what she had just said. She hadn't meant to say that bit aloud… she just got so carried away that she couldn't stop.

She quickly jumped onto her feet, eager to get out of the room that was closing in on her. She refused to meet his eye and instead mumbled some sort of "excuse me" before trying to step around him. Tears were falling down her cheeks now despite her efforts to fight them away. She didn't know why she was crying… she shouldn't be crying. It wasn't true… _what she said wasn't true_. It _couldn't _be. It was just a thing of the moment, something to make him feel bad for what he did the other day, was her reasoning. But it wasn't true… none of it. Truth was, she had lost her heart the day she saw him. Tears blocked her vision, and she thought she had broken free and clear until she felt a strong hand on her arm pull her back.

"Where are you going?" She heard him say.

She twisted, trying to get away from him. "Anywhere but here." She whispered, unable to stop her lip from shaking.

"Why?" was his only question.

"Because I'm scared." She admitted, still trying to fight his strong grip. He had since removed his hands from her arms and planted them on her back, drawing her closer. She _didn't_ want to be closer—she didn't want to know what it was like to be this close then lose it all.

"Why are you scared? Who are you scared about?"

_You. _She wanted to say but found herself unable to. "I don't know." She said instead.

She felt as one of his hands trailed upwards until it was cupping her chin. He was trying to make her look at him. He tilted her head so that she could look him straight in the eye, but she couldn't. She looked over his right shoulder. She held her breath and for the space of a few rapid heartbeats, he didn't move and neither did she. Then slowly, he began to close in on the gap that separated the two of them.

"What are you doing?" Tris whispered when his lips were just centimeters from hers. Her eyes flickered between his lips and his eyes, wide open with nerves and tremor.

"Getting what I want." He answered.

Kissing him was incredible. His lips were firm but soft, moving as though we had all morning to do but stand here. The kiss was slow and gentle, and nothing about it felt in the slightest rushed… it felt _perfect_. She remembered what kissing Peter was like and it was nothing like this. She was now convinced that she had been doing it wrong all those years… or more probably with the wrong person. His fingers stayed on her jaw, touching it delicately, moving her face a little to give him more access. He didn't touch her anywhere else but she felt the effect of the kiss simmer down her body. She wanted more of him, she wanted to explore every part of him but she stayed, reserved. She didn't move.

The kiss was more than enough anyway because it contradicted all those words he had said that night. He proved what she thought was true but refused to believe—_he wanted her as much as she wanted him_. There was no more denying, the cat was officially out of the bag.

Tris was pressed flush against his chest and tentatively she placed her palms there. She could feel his heart leaping from his chest and it made her wonder if hers was the same. Everything was absolutely perfect… nothing could ruin the moment now.

She was smiling lazily, her eyes glazed over. She was in another world—not the one when she was writing—and in a way, this was better… so much better because she knew she wasn't alone. She was with Tobias.

He began to pull back and she instantly missed the comfort. He moved away from her, his breathing jagged and his eyes staring at her hungrily. She could still feel the tingling on her lips where his mouth had been, reminding her of the kiss though she doubted she needed the reminder. She met his eyes and something buzzed, a spark of electricity perhaps. She didn't look away and neither did he.

"What—" She began to say, but his finger on her lips silenced her.

"Don't speak." He hushed. "Just let me enjoy this moment."

She didn't disagree.

…

A little while later, when Tobias had retreated back into the fields with her father and her mother back in the house, Tris still couldn't stand still. Her mind was buzzing with all these thoughts—especially the ones that had sprung from confusion which were now crystal clear thanks to the clarification from Tobias. It was painfully obvious now: Tobias felt something for her too. It was hard for her to describe what it was exactly, but it was nothing like she had experienced before, and it kind of scared her. But nothing could top off the excitement that coursed through her veins when he kissed her… when he leant down and took her lips like they were his own.

"Tris, are you okay?" Her mother's concerned thoughts broke through her thoughts.

Tris looked up, confused and dazed, still in the process of sorting out her own thoughts and no where near listening to her mother. "Yeah. Of course. Why?" She mumbled, hoping it would get her mother off her back. It didn't.

"I was just asking if you would help with setting the table. Your dad wants to have a formal dinner, and you know what he's like when that happens. Everything has to be perfect. Once you're done helping me, you can go put on your best dress for tonight." Her mother's words barely registered in her mind and she hummed along, pretending to be following. She stopped nodding when she saw her mother looking at her strangely, frowning. "You're biting your lip… Did you eat something wrong?"

She smiled to herself. "No. Nothing like that."

* * *

**A/N: **_To be continued in the next chapter…_


	6. Chapter 6

**THE ART OF LOSING YOURSELF**

Chapter 6 — TOBIAS

He was beyond anxious. Never had he been to a formal dinner, and the nerves were absolutely eating him up. They were supposed to have a formal dinner the first day he arrived on the farm and since Tris was "sick", it was cancelled. The days after were filled with chores and so much had needed to be done around the place, that they all but skipped dinner, so today was the chosen day.

He could feel the butterflies in his stomach and he desperately wanted to cancel. It was an honour to be invited to such a family tradition, and it would be rude to back out but he was terrified. Tobias had no clue what to expect though. It wasn't like he had these things back home—or even at all. It was foreign to him, and he was terrified he would screw things up.

Tobias took one long look at the man in the mirror and he was thoroughly surprised. He had changed noticeably in the last week. He was definitely filling out his clothes more, the hard labour under the sun made his skin more tanned and his muscles more defined. He looked somewhat good. He let his eyes wander from his feet upwards until he was looking at himself in the mirror. He sighed as he ran his fingers through his hair. He did not look the part; his clothes were wrinkled despite his best efforts at ironing them. His chest filled out his blue-checkered shirt, but there was something wrong about it that he didn't like. The shirt wasn't bad itself, it's just that he wasn't used to seeing himself like this. He had grown used to the tight black jeans and the ripped tees—the rough look that no one seemed to appreciate—and looking in the mirror now made him want to tear his clothes to shreds. (What made it more tempting was that the pants he was wearing made sitting down horribly hard.)

Tobias didn't look like himself—he looked like he was pretending to be someone else. He wasn't sure whether he liked this change. He stirred uncomfortably, deliberating on whether he should change back into his normal attire. He was sure that his normal clothing was not at all appropriate, and he would probably lose this job—it would be complete nonsense losing his job over how he dressed and he desperately needed to keep this job. With a grumble, he rolled up the sleeves to the shirt. He still wasn't entirely comfortable but it was as close as put together he was going to get.

He spared one more glance in the mirror, and he immediately swore under his breath. _What the fuck was he doing? _He shook his head. He didn't belong here, in this house, in a place he didn't fit in. He was a wanderer, a deserter; he wasn't a do-gooder… so why was he still here pretending to be someone he wasn't. He groaned as he sat back on the bed. His head hung heavy in his hands and he stared at his feet. _Really, what was he doing? What was he thinking when he took this job? _This… this dressing up wasn't in the job criteria. He was supposed to be another faceless man in the fields… that was what he had signed up for. He didn't want this… he didn't want to be reminded of a family he never had.

Shakily, he pushed himself onto his feet, ready to bolt the hell out of there, but something made him clench up. Something told him that if he ran now, he would never be able to discover what was it that made _her_ so different to everyone else. Sure, he had fucked other women but it was just that—a fun night in bed. She wasn't like the others though… There was something about _her, _something that was compelling and completely mesmerizing. She had him under a spell; she had him wrapped tightly around her little finger that if she asked him to jump off a cliff, he would.

_"Fuck." _He cussed under his breath. He was so utterly screwed. He had promised himself that he would stay away—he had actually said so himself that staying away from her was the safest thing for _her_. He didn't realize how much he had lied to himself then… he had been deluding himself into thinking that she wouldn't get hurt if he didn't go anywhere near her—she wasn't a fuck-and-leave girl, she was something more, and he knew that if he grew closer to her he would need to keep up with her standards, and he was terrified that he wouldn't be able to. So it was for _him, _his own selfish reasons, that he had stayed away. He stayed away because he didn't want to get close then lose it all… like he eventually lost every good thing in his life. But with each day that he avoided her, was another day he spent pining for her. His body had ached for her; every part of his body screamed with fire when she wasn't near. So when he saw her this morning, sprawled on the couch, completely absorbed in her own notebook like she had been the first time he saw her, something inside him gave way. He ignored every red sign in his head, every loud warning thrown his way, he wanted her, and he didn't care what he would have to give up to get her.

Never would he have believed that kissing anyone was more than just another form of sexual relief, but he couldn't have been more wrong. It was more than that… it was all the days of yearning of her touch, and the physical torture of being separated from her. It was definitely more than sexual relief… it might've been physical but it was more emotional. There was no denying it now, she would be the one to ruin him—no, she was _already_ ruining him. He would never be able to kiss anyone else now. He would forever picture _her_, no matter who he was kissing. It would never mean as much as it did with her. She had wormed his way into the black mess that was his heart and planted her stubborn self there.

Kissing Tris was more incredible than touching her. His body had been itching with fire, so when he pulled her to him and smashed his lips onto hers, the flame soared high. A burning desire snaked through him, starting in his fingertips, scorching through his chest and settling in his core. He had to dig deep to pull himself away, afraid that if he didn't he would scare her away… he had to take it slow. In the span of one week, she had gone from hating him and calling him a idiotic dickhead that only spoke with his _other_ brain, to kissing him like that. And _holy fuck was it glorious. _He suddenly wondered when he was going to taste her lips again.

…

"… Do you have plans after summer?" The words barely registered in his mind. He had to shake himself from his thoughts. He looked blankly at Andrew, Tris' father, and the one who had asked him the question.

"No..." Tobias answered with a shaky voice. "I don't have any proper plans. I guess I'll just deal with it as it comes."

Andrew stopped and looked at him, studying him but not yet scrutinising. He nodded, like he had been thinking about Tobias' words, and finally agreeing with them. Tobias felt uncomfortable under his gaze; he hated being put under the spotlight. He coughed, trying to lighten the atmosphere but the room had grown cloudy. Andrew said no more, and the conversation began to turn stale. Trying to escape Andrew' watchful eyes, he turned to Natalie, who had just taken her seat at the table. He looked around, and only one place remained empty—the one next to his—and his heart lurched towards his throat.

"Where's Tris?" Tobias tried to ask as nonchalantly as possible.

With a knowing smile, Natalie answered. "She was helping me set up earlier, I just sent her up to get changed. She should be back down in a second."

Tobias' cheeks flushed and he hastily nodded, turning his head downwards to hide his blush. Steadying his shaking hand, he took a sip of water, doing anything to distract himself from his wandering mind and Andrew's prying eyes.

"This all looks very nice." He commented, gesturing outwards to the food that was spread across the table.

"Thank you." Natalie replied earnestly. "I love company who enjoys my cooking," she turned to face her husband, "especially ones who are there at dinner time." She snipped and Tobias swallowed back a snicker.

He watched as the two bantered back and forth. They were quick in making remarks at each other, and as much as they bickered, neither took it to heart. Nothing was ever that serious with the two of them. Sure, they would argue but they would always laugh it off and seal it with a kiss. They loved each other, and he could tell they haven't—and wouldn't—stop anytime soon.

Tobias watched the two of them, wonder and admiration sparkling in his eyes. It was his dream to be loved so much by someone… to have someone consume your soul completely, that you could think of nothing but them. His mind flickered back to Tris, and how he had gotten lost in her lips… her touch… her presence. So much had slipped away from him… his walls chipping away slowly.

He heard a cough, followed by a mumble. His head whipped around to see Tris floating down the stairs. He had been so distracted by his own memories that he nearly missed her entrance. His mouth hung open, and he ran his tongue over his dry lips. She was so unbelievably beautiful. She was wearing this emerald dress that clung to her chest then floated outwards. It did wonders for her body and he had to suppress a groan. Her head was left natural, untouched. He liked it that way. He knew he should've been impressed by what she was wearing, and he was, the way she looked made his body tingle all over, but that didn't even compare to _her_. It was her presence; it radiated heat, _sunshine_. Her eyes… they were the cherry on top. One look cast in his way and he knew he was utterly screwed. The whole day he hadn't been able to get her off his mind—her touch, her kiss, her lips. She was haunting. She was a one-of-a-kind beauty that had graced his presence. She was his shining angel in his mist of darkness. She was his path to redemption.

He had fallen completely head over heels for this girl… What scared him more was that for once, he didn't care. Nothing else mattered in that moment and he didn't care whether being with her would bring out the skeletons in his closet, and draw out old memories he'd rather be buried. He wanted her—_just her_. He would give absolutely anything to be with her, and he would fight through hell just to keep her.

Tris planted herself in the empty seat next to him, and suddenly he could feel his palms sweat. He shifted uncomfortably. It took everything in him, every ounce of control he could summon, not to kiss her right then and there. She looked over at him, and a smile began to grow on her lips. It started in the corner and grew exponentially until he followed suit. Her smile, her laugh, every thing about her was contagious. A little sparkle in her eyes told him that she too hadn't forgotten about this morning, and that he wasn't the only one that wanted a repeat _soon_.

A sparing glance over the rest of the table told him that her parents were still absorbed in their own discussion and Caleb was nowhere to be found. Tobias was quick to jump in on the opportunity, leaning over to whisper in her ear.

"You look beautiful." He could've sworn he heard her breath hitch.

She tilted her head just slightly, and murmured back, sending shivers racing down his body. "You're just saying that because you want another kiss." She said with a mischievous glint in her eye.

"Maybe." He returned the smirk. "Maybe not." He leaned back in, letting his lips brush the bare skin of her ear. "I know what I want. What do _you_ want?" He asked her that because he _knew_ what she wanted, and he wanted it too.

Her lips parted open just a little and a small gasp escaped her mouth. He ground his fingers on the edge of his seat, his body growing tense. _That was so fucking hot. _He pulled away from her slowly, taking the time to admire the effect he had on her. It was nice knowing that this tension was definitely more than mutual. He saw the lump in her throat bob up and down as she swallowed hard. She wasn't looking at him, but he could tell she was fighting the temptation to look his way. She was trying to be inconspicuous, and that made his smile turn up more. She was adorable.

He shifted so he was back firmly in his own seat, not teetering onto hers. He found that once he composed himself again, the others too had turned their attention back to the dinner in front of them. One last knowing look her way told him all he needed to know—he wasn't the only one who wanted dinner to be over fast. _Very fast_.

* * *

**A/N: **_… And there is Part II. I couldn't wait until I finished this one because the next few chapters are when everything picks up__—and I mean **everything. **From the sexual tension, to the plot, to the fluff, to the drama… just **everything**. Hope you all enjoyed this, and as always leave me your thoughts to read below. :)_


	7. Chapter 7

**THE ART OF LOSING YOURSELF**

Chapter 7 — TRIS

She woke up with a big smile. The events of last night were still freshly ingrained in her mind, and her body jerked upwards, aching for his touch. She wanted another kiss, not the quick ones they stole when no one was around, she wanted him to kiss her senseless until she didn't know which direction was up. She wanted more than that now… Tris wanted to know what it felt like for his fingers to roam beneath her shirt, not just grazing the skin above her shorts. She wanted his fingers on her flesh; his hot mouth pressing open kisses on her stomach; his bare skin pressed firmly against his. Her whole body yearned for him and she couldn't hold it in anymore—the fire in the pit of her belly refusing to be silenced anymore. She wanted him—she needed him _bad_…

With a slam of the fist on the bed, and a groan, she pushed herself off the bed not able to stay put for any longer. She puffed a strand of hair away from her face, hating the way it constantly obstructed her view. Angry, she grabbed a bunch of hair, twisting it into a loose bun. Then as hastily as she had gotten up, she threw on a pair of jeans and a sweater and thumped down the stairs.

Her smile widened and her eyes brightened when she saw who was standing before her in the kitchen. His back was facing her but the sight of him was enough to make her giddy. She knew no one would be awake this early, but she didn't need anymore surprises, so a quick glance left and right confirmed her thoughts, they were utterly alone. She strode over to him, leaning into his back. She felt him stiffen before he released one long breath. She took in the comfort of him, running her fingers along his back, letting it dip as his muscles tensed. She heard him suck a deep breath in, and she found herself doing the same. It was so hard to breathe when she was with him.

As if unable to take it any longer, he spun her around. He embraced her, and she let her fingers find their way around his neck, like she had always done—it was a habit now. His hands fell naturally onto her hips, touching the skin that had been exposed. Her flesh felt hot under his touch, and the more his fingers traced circles onto her skin, the more she wanted to tell him to touch her everywhere.

He leaned down, placing his forehead on hers. "Good morning." He murmured into her ear as his fingers brushed her tangled bed hair.

"Morning." She hummed sweetly as his lips brushed softly against hers.

It was gentle, soft and definitely not as rough or intense as their other ones had been—this one was slow and delicate. This was a chosen display of affection, not one that had sprung from the sexual attraction. She felt him smile into the kiss and suddenly she never wanted to leave. She wanted to be cocooned into the safety of his arms, where she knew he would protect her from the world.

"Is that coffee I smell?" She asked him after they pulled away, still dazed and drunk on the kiss. "Can I have some?" She asked but she didn't wait for a reply.

Reaching behind him, she deliberately letting her hand brush against his backside as she took the steaming cup of coffee resting on the bench. She took a sip, relishing the way the warm liquid oozed down her throat. She let out a breathy exhale. This all felt so right—enjoying a morning with him, and not having to worry about looking bad or being herself. This was how it was supposed to be for her.

"You can have as much as you want." He smirked, and she frowned at him. She knew he wasn't talking about the coffee anymore, and she pretended to glare at his constant use of sexual innuendos. But when his lips tilted up into a genuine smile, she couldn't be angry with him anymore—even if it was pretend. Her fake scowl turned into a pout. "Don't be like that." He hushed, bringing her closer.

She grinned at him, unlocking her fingers around the handle and placing the cup back onto the bench. "Don't be like what?" She teased, letting her fingers run wild along his backside, moving upwards towards his chest.

He swiftly caught her fingers and slammed them down onto his chest. He deliberately brushed his lips against her cheek as he planted a gentle kiss there. "Don't be such a tease."

In that second, she forgot how to breathe. His eyes were burning into her soul, and igniting something deep inside of her. She swallowed hard, not looking away. He had this effect on her, and it was like the room had been vacuumed clean of air, and she was left suffocating in her own skin. She stood there, frozen, but unable to look away. She only broke free from her trance when he heard him laugh, and she puckered her lips again. _He knew exactly what he was doing to her and he was enjoying every moment of it! _

"Anyway, what are you doing today?" He said in a change of topic.

She used the moment to briefly collect herself, and shrugged casually. "Going out." She reached behind him again, and grabbed her cup of coffee that suddenly didn't seem that interesting anymore.

He frowned. "Where?" But she knew he was really asking '_With who?'_ and she laughed, leaning up on the tips of her toes to plant a kiss on his nose. "Into town. Don't worry, I'll be on my best behaviour."

She heard him scowl and she giggled at his childish behaviour. "I'll be back before dinner."

…

She had been in town for exactly ten minutes and everything was still as boring as she had claimed to her mother a few days prior. There really was nothing to the town, besides from the local pub, the cinema that was tiny, a few restaurants and take-away places. There was also a shopping mall, but it was rather cramped and always swamped with people. So instead of heading that way, she walked in the opposite direction, heading towards the one place she knew could give her some peace.

After a few sharp turns, she finally stood before the music store—well, it was more like a record store that contained copies of _actual _music rather than the shouts and screams that people now called music.

"Tris?" The voice was unsure, voice wavering slightly.

Confused, Tris turned around. Her eyes widened in shock. "Christina?"

Her friend practically ran to her side and tackled her into a massive bear hug. "Oh it IS you!" She always had a flair for drama. "I haven't seen you for so long… How long has it been?" Tris opened her mouth but Christina continued to babble on. "It's got to have been a few years now! Christ! That's been so long. I've missed you so much."

Tris swallowed, feeling everyone's eyes on her. She hated the attention, even in here where it was a maximum of four people excluding themselves. She hated feeling eyes trained on her like a hawk.

She gulped nervously, as Christina continued to bombard her questions about where she's been, what she's been doing and why she's been so MIA for the past few years. There were no real explanations that she could give that would suffice because it was simple; she just wanted to start over. Tris wanted to escape and she couldn't have people that tied her down. She opened her mouth to say this, but closed it instead, figuring it was probably easier brushing off the questions. There were also questions on whether she's been getting a lot of action, to which she got a nudge, but she simply replied with a roll of the eyes and that topic was dropped as quickly as it had been brought up.

She enveloped Tris into another hug, but not one that was as bone crushing as the last. "I've missed you so much." She repeated. "Please don't go that long without ever talking to me again. So tell me, how are you?" Christina paused, and it was then that Tris realized she wanted a genuine answer.

"I'm okay." Tris spoke, and it was true—more than the last few things that she had said. "I've just been busy. I caught up with mum, helped around the farm, and there just hasn't been a lot of time to catch up with everyone else. You know?"

Christina nodded sympathetically. "I get it. Family first…" She actually looked sad, and a pang of guilt rung through Tris. Her friend was hurt—and that _rarely_ happened.

Tris chewed down on her lip nervously, unsure of what to say. "Christina… I didn't mean to leave you hanging like that. I mean we spoke obviously—"

She snorted. "Through email—"

Tris ignored her comment and continued, "but I feel like if I constantly told you how happy I was in the city, you would've felt unhappy and as though you weren't a good friend," Tris saw her frown, and she quickly spoke up to make her intentions clear, "and I didn't want you to feel that. You've been a good friend, the best friend I could ask for. I just needed to get away… You might not understand but that's the truth."

Christina's gaze drooped to the floor, her eyes sad. "I get it, it was an escape and all. Don't want us—me—holding you back, right?" Her voice was shaking but Tris could still hear the hostility in it. She was angry, and she had a right to be.

Shaking her head softly, Tris answered. "No. It was never that. You didn't hold me back. Christina, you weren't the one that drove me out of here—that's nowhere even close to the truth. I guess I just felt burdened by it all, and I couldn't breathe any longer. You were the only one who kept me sane here, but I think there was so much weighing me down here that I just needed to go. It had nothing to do with you."

Her blue eyes met her brown ones and she felt the air being sucked from her lungs. She prayed in her mind that Christina would believe her and drop the subject. She didn't want to tell anyone why she had left… or why she came back. She didn't want to relive that night anymore—she didn't want to remember all the things she had chosen to forget.

Christina was one of those people who were an open book. She didn't have a filter; she said what was on her mind at that moment and would never give it a second thought. Her mouth spit before her brain thought, but she was always earnest. She was truthful and brutally honest, but she was always a good friend. She would tell things to Tris straight, which was bad thing sometimes when Tris didn't have the stomach for it, but it was always for the better, and she always knew how to make her feel better. Most of all, Tris knew when Christina was lying to her. As for Tris lying to her, that did happen frequently, and most of the time Christina caught on. But as time dragged on, it got progressively easier to hide the little lies. She had created this extravagant web of lies, and the more she told small fibs, the thicker the web grew, until one day, lying came effortlessly. It had been so long, would Christina notice her small tells? _Could she still tell she was lying?_

The drop of the subject told her she couldn't. Christina still couldn't see through her web of lies. Tris sighed, as she let Christina ramble on about her life.

_Nothing had changed…_

…

She plopped down on the couch with a loud sigh. It had been a very long afternoon, and the conversation with Christina wore her down to the bone. Her whole body was aching with exhaustion, and she let herself succumb to the darkness that was sleep.

"Hey. Wake up." She felt someone shaking her but she grunted and shifted away, not wanting to be disturbed. She heard laughter next, a very familiar one, and her eyes flew wide open.

"Oh, hi." She mumbled, clearly flustered.

Tobias was sitting next to her, but had moved his body so that he was facing her. Despite his eyes wrinkling when he laughed, his eyes were soft, gentle—and they were staring at her. She looked down, and saw that she was covered by only a thin shirt. The blanket that had been draped around her shoulders was now pooled around her waist, and she felt very bare. Awkwardly, she tried to move away slightly, so she could be at a safe distance but found herself unable to. Every muscle in her body burned and she almost cried out in pain; the conversation earlier had mentally exhausted her but it was the couch that had physically taken a lot from her. As comfortable as it looked, it was very deceiving. It was definitely not a good place to rest, and Tris made sure to remember not to sleep her again.

Looking back at Tobias, she found him still staring at her. His head had tilted to the left and he had this frown on his face that worried her. She bit down on her bottom lip, pulling it as she waited for him to say something. He didn't. So she coughed, trying to make the air lighter—whilst trying to relieve herself of the parts of him that had seeped into her, on a path heading towards her heart. She could smell him, his usual musky scent lined with a crisp lemon smell. His whole presence filled her and she sighed, able to finally ease her muscles that had been screaming at her all day.

Her eyes drifted downwards and she noticed how close he was—she could even feel his breath on her cheeks—and as much as she liked this, she couldn't stay as she was and have her parents walk in on them. Trying again, she was able to put more distance between them. Once she had wiggled her way into another position, one that promised more comfort, she turned her attention back to him.

"I like this," he stopped to point at himself then her, "I like walking in and seeing you all curled up and tucked into the couch. I especially like the sight of your backside." He waggled his eyebrows, "All of it on display." His face then twisted into a frown, "I hope no body else walked in on _that_."

Horror spread across her face. "Tobias!" She exclaimed, eyes wide with embarrassment. She looked over and saw him grinning. So she smacked his arm and he snatched back his arm, pretending to rub the pain away.

"Ow!" He cried as he nursed his arm.

She rolled her eyes at him, "Don't be such a baby." She teased as she mocked his expression.

"I am not." He said defiantly. He crossed his arms across his chest and pretended to be sulking. She mimicked him, folding her own arms over her chest, liking the way it protected her from his eyes. "That genuinely hurt!" He exclaimed, obviously not giving up the act.

She remained unmoving, matching the intensity of his stare. The tips of his mouth twitched, and she knew he was fighting back a smirk. She knew what he was doing, he was trying to get her all riled up to show that he was the only one that could get her hot. No, he wasn't going to get away with it.

"Come here and kiss it better." He asked, smiling innocently at her, but she knew better. He reached out to her, and she squirmed away from his touch.

She shook her head. "Not a chance."

His smile changed back into a pout and he recoiled back his arms, acting hurt. "You're so mean." He grumbled. "I know so many girls that wouldn't be this mean."

A glint of mischief crossed her eyes. It was her turn to smirk at him. "Oh if mean is what you want, I can show you how mean I can get." She hesitated, a thought forming in her mind, "But if you'd rather find someone else, then go right ahead." She motioned towards the door. She leaned in a little, making sure he would hear every word. "I won't stop you, _but_ if you stayed, I'm sure I can show you a good time."

The room sizzled with sex, and their eyes ignited with flames. She wanted him; she wanted him in every way. She wanted to remember what it felt like to have his hands on her. She wanted him to make her scream his name until she forgot everything but his name. She couldn't deny it anymore—she had been wanting him since the very first day and now, she wanted it more than ever.

She crashed her lips onto his, and the desire in that one touch was enough to burn holes inside her. She could feel her inner animal clawing its way out. It—_she—_wanted out. She let herself get lost in his touch. She wanted to forget everything except this one moment.

When they finally pulled apart for air, she knew she definitely won this round—but she didn't want to win, she wanted _him_ to win. She wanted him to claim what was his. They both knew that this was neither the time nor the place for such a thing… they would get around to it _soon_.

His act had broken in the heated moment of passion, and he was now chuckling softly. He pulled her in closer for a tight embrace, leaning down to kiss the crook between her neck and her shoulder. She took it in, all in. All thoughts of her past few years forgotten in the heat of the moment, and nothing mattered more than the man who's arms were wrapped around her firmly, promising her safety and perhaps_ something more…_

"You're such a tease." He whispered into her ear, and his hot breath on her skin made her shudder. _That was the second time he had told her that, _and Tris was beginning to think whether there was a pattern to all of this.

She beamed up at him, her smile lighting up the room. "I know."

* * *

**A/N: **_*coughs awkwardly* … well that just happened… I hope you're all screaming with joy as much as I am right now. If you enjoyed this chapter, let me know down below. I appreciate every single one of your reviews so a big thank you to everyone who's left a smile on my face by leaving behind their thoughts. See you next time!_


	8. Chapter 8

**THE ART OF LOSING YOURSELF**

Chapter 8 — TOBIAS

"HEY!"

There was a shout from the fields, and Tobias' head whipped upwards to see what was the cause of the commotion. Instead he saw a man jogging over to where he stood. He was about the same height and build as himself, only with a darker coloured skin tone and slightly longer hair. Tobias watched as the man came closer until they were face to face.

"You're the new guy, right?" He asked.

Tobias nodded, extending his hand for a shake. "I'm Tobias." He introduced.

The man took his hand and grinned. "I'm Zeke."

…

"So what are you up to now? We're done for the day."

Tobias shrugged. "I don't know. Thinking about taking it easy for the rest of the day." He said but actually, he was very much looking forward to rushing back to the house where he knew Tris would be.

He expected Zeke to say his goodbye but he stayed... and he _smirked at him_. "It's a girl, isn't it?" He said, a beam flashing across his face.

Tobias opened his mouth to object but then snapped it back closed. He formulated another response. "How did you know?" He spoke with a frown.

The man simply kept walking along the dirt track, unfazed. "Because you have that look on your face." He suddenly stopped walking and turned around, almost making Tobias run into him. "How serious is it?" He asked, not subtly at all.

"Not very—" He began to say but it didn't seem quite right on his lips. He wanted to say it was pretty damn serious, but he didn't even know where he and Tris stood. They hadn't made any commitments; it was only fun, and for the first time, he caught himself wanting more than fun—he wanted her _all for himself._ "Actually, I don't know. We're just having fun I guess, no strings attached kind of thing. We haven't made any promises, and I don't think we're going to. Neither of us are ready for that right now." That was a lie. "We're just going to take things slow and see where we end up."

Zeke only shook his head. "You've got it bad." He commented, before turning on his heels to continue walking, but his words stumped Tobias.

"What do you mean?" Tobias asked, trying to keep his expression neutral but inside he was screaming.

"I've seen you two." Tobias' eyes widened and panic flashed across his face. "Don't worry. I know you're trying to keep it on the down low, but I can tell you now, you're not doing a very good job of it. If I can catch on, I'm sure her parents can too. But hey," He held his hands against his chest, "I'm not one to judge. I've seen the way she looks at you, and I've seen the way you look at her. And as a silent observer, I can say it looked pretty damn serious to me. You look at her like… _like she's your world_—and I've only seen that once in my life—so I say, to hell with anyone who says you don't belong together."

"Um, thanks… I guess?" Tobias muttered under his breath.

Zeke stopped once again, sensing Tobias' distress through the silence that followed. "What's wrong?" He asked, eyes roaming.

Tobias racked his mind for something to say. What was wrong? There were so many things that were wrong with what he said, but somehow he doubted that Zeke would notice his fault. Or was he right, and Tobias was just too blind to see? Did she want it as bad as he did?

"Nothing's wrong." He answered back simply, not wanting to explain himself.

Zeke shot him a small smile. "Hey man. That's what I'm seeing but I'm sure that if you ask anyone else, they'll tell you the same thing."

Tobias nodded, and hastened his pace. He needed to get to Tris; he needed to ask if she wanted this as much as he did. But he was afraid of the answer she might give.

Swallowing the lump in his throat, Tobias quickly spoke up. "You won't tell anyone about… about us, will you?"

The man shot him a toothy smile. "Of course. That's your business." He hesitated, licking his lips. Tobias waited, anxiousness surging upwards. "And if you want to continue sneaking around, don't do it around the farm where anyone can walk in. Take it elsewhere." He said with a wink before walking off in the other direction, leaving Tobias stunned but relieved.

…

When he got back to the house, the first thing he noticed was how eerily quiet it was. Usually he would hear clashing sounds from the kitchen, a direct result of Tris trying to fix her a snack, but today silence filled the entire house. With a frown, he walked around the bottom level of the house, searching for her but he heard nothing. He was about to give up, and go back out in the field—she was probably looking for him for another secret rendezvous anyway—when he heard muffles coming from upstairs. He paused in his step and leaned against the stairs, perking up his ears. He heard sobs this time, followed by some sniffling.

He pounded up the stairs despite having told never to go upstairs. Nothing registered except for one thought: _please not let it be Tris, _he pleaded silently in his mind. He didn't think his heart could take that. When he reached the top of the stairs, he waited for the sound of the quiet sobs, but it had gone quiet again. He frowned as he looked around, trying to decide which room to look in first. It was the first time he had ever been upstairs, and he had no idea which door led to what, and he was about to knock down each locked door when he heard it again. He had to strain his ears to find where it was coming from and he paused in his step, a mixture of emotions flooding through him. What would he find? If it really was Tris in there, could he take what he was going to see?

Swallowing the painful lump in his throat, he marched over to the door, which led to the bathroom—that was as much as he could tell. The stifled cries were much louder now and the sound tested his heart.

"Tris… Is that you?" He called out softly. His hushed whisper was because he was afraid of the answer; he was scared that he would hear a yes. When he was met by silence, when the muted cries stopped, he knew his answer.

He leaned against the door and he almost toppled over when it creaked open. He squeezed his eyes closed, preparing himself for what he was going to walk in on. He didn't know if he was ready, and he had no clue what to do but he would be damned before he walked away. He swallowed his pride, and let out a shaky exhale. Biting down hard on his bottom lip, he opened the door wider and he braced himself for what he would see. He had expected—hell, he didn't know what he expected. She had always been so cheerful, so happy that he hadn't even thought about how unhappy she could've been inside, and that made him want to smack himself.

He stood at the doorway, frozen in his step. She was crouched over in the far corner, head tucked between her knees and her hair swept messily across her face. The sight of her broke his heart—he could literally feel it splintering.

"Tris?" He called out again and as expected, she didn't answer. She had heard him though because her body had stiffened at his voice but for some reason, she refused to look at him.

He cursed at himself, scolding himself for his inability to move. It was only on the fourth try that his feet actually remembered how to walk properly again, and he timidly approached her. When he knelt down at her, he could see the muscles in her neck tense up and the hairs on her bare arms stick out. The sight made him sick. He hated seeing her like this, and he desperately wanted to wish her pain away.

He didn't say anything, and instead let the silence do most of his bidding. He reached out to her slowly, thanking the skies and the heaven when she didn't pull away. In a swift movement, he pulled her into his embrace, tucking her into between the pocket of his arm and his chest. She fell into it naturally, clinging onto it like she was holding on for dear life. He felt her hot tears that fell onto his crumpled T-shirt, and her sobs grew exponentially louder. At that moment it didn't seem like she would stop but eventually, long after his legs had gone numb beneath his weight, her cries softened. He shifted her in his arms, turning her so that he could look her in the eye; only she kept avoiding his gaze.

"Do you want to talk about it?" He asked slowly, treading carefully on a very thin line.

She shook her head and he sighed. He didn't understand what had caused her to collapse into a blubbering mess. Usually when girls did this, it was for his attention and he found it easy to walk away. But when he saw her there on the floor, crumpled in a mess, he found himself unable to walk away. He _had_ to take her into his arms and tell her that everything was okay.

"Are you sure?" He asked again, coaxing her.

He saw her pause this time, and he knew she was deliberating on whether to talk or not. After a few seconds, he saw the briefest nod.

"I'm sorry." She managed to say. "I don't know what happened." She swiped at her eyes using the back of her palm. "It's just, I've had a rough day and I just… everything was just going wrong and it was just too much to handle… too much to handle." She repeated in a whisper. Her defeated voice made his heart crunch.

"It's okay." He leaned forward to place a gentle kiss on her forehead.

She began to lean into his touch before abruptly turning away, and her rejection stung. "I don't want you to see me like this." She said in a small voice.

He took a deep breath in and a long exhale out. He gave her a gentle squeeze of the hand and a small smile, though he was sure it wasn't so convincing. "Tris, it's only natural. We're all going to have bad days, and we're all going to have our cries once in a while."

"But my cries are so ugly." She muttered.

He shook his head, "Nothing about you is ugly. Tris, you're so beautiful. You're kind, caring, and so full of life. Nothing about you can possibly be ugly."

Silence stretched between them like an endless sea and his chest heaved with every breath he took. Waiting for her to speak was like waiting for the Earth to stop rotating. "I wish I wasn't so broken." She whispered beneath her breath but he had caught it, only he wish he hadn't. There were only so few words spoken but the way she said them made his heart falter.

He swallowed thickly, at a loss for words. He opened his mouth to speak, and the words rushed out of his mouth, like air deflating from a collapsing balloon, before he could help himself. "You're not broken, Tris." He let his eyes roam over her full lips, to her nose, to the slightly blush that tinted her cheeks. She was an angel here on Earth. "Everything about you kills me. Every time I look at you, I forget how to breathe, I can't get you out of my mind. I can't picture my life without you in it. Tris, please don't push me away." He closed his eyes and wished that the hollowness, the sadness in her eyes would disappear. He hated seeing her like this—but mostly he hated not being able to do something.

It was her turn to shake her head. "You don't understand—"

"—Then help me understand." He begged.

She shook off the stare he was giving her. "You don't get it. It's—_I_ am too complicated. Maybe you're better off without me..."

He wanted to shake some sense into her. She wasn't seeing this through. "No." He said outright. "I won't be better off without you, Tris. I will never be better without you." He said in a defeated whisper.

"We haven't put a label on what we are... We're not anything serious. We should probably end it before my drama gets tangled in yours." She sighed loudly and her shoulders slumped backwards as she inched further away from him, "I don't want you to get involved with my problems."

"But I'm already involved!" He exclaimed.

Her expression changed in that moment. Her blue eyes that were often soft and compassionate turned stale and sour. "Then maybe it's about time you got uninvolved." She muttered bitterly, turning her blank stare back onto the wall. He could see her eyes glazing over, her mind tuning out.

His heart ached for her so much it physically hurt, and he winced when he spoke. "You can't possibly mean that… Tris, why are you saying this?"

"I'm saying this because maybe it's time for us to stop whatever this is," she looked at the space between their bodies, "whatever's going on here. It's better for you that way..."

She began to turn away but he pulled her back to him. "No. It's not better, Tris. In no way is my life better without you. We all have baggage and we all have a past but it's how we learn to move forward that counts."

There was another shake of the head. "Tobias, I'm a nobody. I'm just some country girl who had hoped to make it big in the city only to have her life crash and burn. I've spent so long trying to find myself only to realize that I've lost myself in the process... I—I don't even know who I am anymore. I'm lost, I'm broken into so many pieces that not even I can put back together. So tell me how could you possibly want to be with someone like that?"

He slammed his fists on the ground, his breathing heavy. "Because I'm falling for you, Tris!" He turned his head sideways, looking away. "I think I love you... And that's cares the shit out of me." He admitted softly. "I've never felt this way before and it's confusing, and hell, it's the most damn distracting thing ever. I can never seem to get you out of my mind. And if I can admit that, then you can at least give me a chance. I can't imagine a life without you, and it certainly won't be better without you. I want _you_—all of you."

He saw a tear roll down her cheek and he hated how he had been the person to make her cry, but she needed to hear it. She needed to believe it.

She didn't say anything but he knew she was listening. "I don't care how broken you are. In some way, we're all broken, and we're all still trying to find out place. Maybe it's fate that we've been brought here together. Maybe we're not supposed to learn how to put ourselves back together when we fall down." He lifted a finger under her chin to make her look at him. "Maybe we're supposed to let someone else help us piece together ourselves, and perhaps they're meant to fill in the spaces that are missing."

She began to shake her head furiously, "I—I can't do this—" hiccups clogged her throat, "I came to escape this… I don't want to be dragged into something I can't claw my way out of again. I can't… Tobias, I just can't."

She met his gaze this time, and fire met ice—and he could see her hard exterior begin to melt. He inched his face closer to hers, leaning his forehead against hers. "Tell me you don't want me. Tell me you don't feel the same way and I will leave." He had said but he didn't mean any of it. It was his last resort, and he prayed to god it would work.

* * *

**A/N: **_You get to see a different side to both of them in this chapter, and I like it because it opens up the story more__—and it shows them taking their relationship to the next level. They see this side of—this depth to__ one another that they've never seen before and I think it will set up the story well. I've been spending so much time setting out the pace of the story, creating a timeline and fleshing out certain parts, hence the slightly slow update, and I hope you enjoyed this chapter. As always, leave your thoughts down below for me to read. See you next time! :)_


	9. Chapter 9

**THE ART OF LOSING YOURSELF**

Chapter 9 — TRIS

She woke up to bright light seeping through the blinds that draped across the window. It was morning now, so that meant she had spent the better half of yesterday in bed. She blinked, eyes staring at the blank ceiling, her mind still burning fresh with the memories of yesterday.

_She met his gaze this time and he began to inch closer to him until his forehead was resting on top of hers. "Tell me you don't want me. Tell me you don't feel the same way and I will leave." He whispered as his eyes flickered from her throat, to her lips and back to her eyes. _

_She forgot how to breathe in that second. Time ticked by so slowly, and the pressure in the room multiplied tenfold. It was beyond unbearable and Tris clawed at her clothes, wanting to get some relief—but the only relief she needed were in three words that clogged her throat. They were dancing on the edge of her tongue as her mind went back and forth. She sighed, as she looked him in the eye, locking onto his gaze. _

_"I want you." She finally admitted, and it felt good to say it but she was scared because she had more to lose this time—in fact, she had all to lose. By saying this, she had given up every inch of herself, even the tiniest grains of self-identity she had left, and the thought of giving up the last bit of control of herself was terrifying. But if she was going to fall, she was going out with a bang. So without any real warning, she crashed her lips onto his, desperately craving his lips on hers. _

_He matched her fierce ferocity and she fell into his touch, and she could almost taste the stars in her mouth until he pulled away so suddenly. She pulled back too. Her lips were trembling with nerves and her body felt numb. Shock painted his face and she wanted to crawl into a hole and die. _

_"I'm sorry." She whispered. _

_He simply shook his head. "You have nothing to be sorry about."_

_She was confused. Why had he pulled away then? But before she could even question him on this, he smashed his lips back onto hers and she could feel her troubles fading until all she could see were shining stars. _

She shifted so that she was now propped on her elbows as she glanced over the right shoulder at the door, which was left slightly ajar. She had woken to an empty bed, which left her mind reeling over last night and her mind being flooded with a thousand thoughts. The sunlight still seeped through the window and she squinted at it, wondering how time had escaped her so quickly. Morning had only felt like a few hours ago and yet it was here again. She flopped back onto her pillow with a heavy sigh. She closed her eyes and she could remember it all as clear as day.

She remembered the way he kissed her into oblivion, until she lost all sense of reality, and then brought her back with a sweep of his arms. He had brought her into her room, and placed her gently on the bed, as if she was a delicate flower about to crumple if thrown roughly. Though in that moment, she couldn't t think of anything else that was worse—she didn't want to be treated like she was weak, fragile, helpless. She wanted to be treated as his equal. She wanted his firm arms beside her head as he perched himself above her. She wanted all of him; his bare skin brushing against hers as they rocked until they saw stars, his lips capturing her into kisses that made her lose her mind. She wanted to caress every inch of his body, worshipping every contour and dip and kissing every single exposed area. She pictured her mouth hot and dry as she made her way down his perfectly sculpted body, which she knew off by heart. But she wanted to relish in his touch more; she wanted to feel his hands sending shivers running down her spine, igniting the fire that was dimming inside her. She needed to feel lost in his arms, captivated by his touch, and consumed by his very being. She wanted to tell him all the things she wanted him to do to her—she wanted it rough and wild. Untamed like the wind.

So when he asked her what she wanted, she told him all that was on her mind.

_"Tell me what you want." He whispered in her ear. She felt his soft lips brush against her bare flesh and she shivered from his touch. _

_"I want you." She locked her gaze onto his. "I want all of you."_

They fell into perfect harmony. Their bodies colliding in sweet ecstasy and she was so drunk on his touch that she had forgotten all but his name. No one skipped a beat, not wanting to miss a second of the other's embrace. They were high on each other, consumed by passion and lust, and that was all they really needed…

Unable to contain the jitters that were shaking her body, she jumped from the bed, and quickly dressed herself in a plain sweater and some joggers. Her body still remembered the way his fingers traced the curves to her body, and she had to chomp down on her lip to stop herself from crying out his name. The whole thing wasn't as romantic as she would've liked their first time to be. It was rather frantic. They were hasty in their actions, like they were in a rush to prove to one another how much the other meant. She chewed down on her lip, and began to formulate what she would say when she would face him next: would she be the first one to say it was a mistake so that she could protect her own heart, or would she be the one to suffer? She had been the one who had woken to an empty bed, the one who had to suffer of being deserted the morning after, so it was only fair that he took the brunt of the pain this time. Though she knew, she wouldn't get off unscathed either.

The first thing she noticed when she crept downstairs was the absence of her parents. Too quick in their heated moment, she had forgotten all about them, and it was only dawning on her that maybe they had caught the tail end of their festivities, although if they had, she would definitely be hearing a mouthful this morning. It was lucky they hadn't. With light feet she padded across the floor until she stopped dead in her tracks. Tobias was sitting on the table across from the kitchen, and she forgot how to breathe. She knew she would have to face him, but she hadn't known that it would be this soon. She closed her eyes, summoning up every bit of flailing strength she had, and approached him slowly.

"Hey." She tried to sound as normal as she could, but her voice faltered at the last minute, and she was sure she wasn't the only one who caught onto it. She tried to salvage the weak attempt with a small smile, which she was sure he saw through too.

He looked over at her from where he was sitting at the dining table and returned her smile, though his looked more convincing. She winced at the missing display of affection. After all, wasn't the morning after meant to be filled with romantic promises and gestures? Was he not meant to sweep her off her feet and kiss her senseless? What she was receiving now was almost the opposite and it stung. Perhaps they were too fast in their actions, and maybe the whole thing had gotten out of hand. Maybe that was the reason for his sudden distance. Did he regret last night?

Swallowing the gaping hole in her heart, and the word vomit that wanted to escape, she forced out the words she never wanted to say. "I'm sorry that last night—and afternoon—was such a mess." She said in the strongest voice possible, though it wavered too much to be convincing. "It all just got too out of hand. I mean we—we were probably just caught up in the moment and weren't thinking straight…" She forced the words out, "It—Last night was a mistake."

She braced herself for what he would say: _Can we just forget about it? … _Pretend it never happened, was what it meant. She had heard that phrase before, and despite the few times she had been put in that position, she was sure none would hurt as much as this one would. Maybe he wasn't so different from the other guys, maybe he wanted the same thing that they did—and because he had gotten it, he could walk away now without a care in the world. Perhaps he was as shallow as they were and the only one to blame now was her for not seeing through that sooner.

She caught her bottom lip between her teeth and began chewing on it nervously. Her eyes were trained firmly on the ground because she knew that if she looked him in the eye, tears would betray her. She wanted to remain strong, even if he wanted to spit on her heart.

_"Don't be an idiot. Don't wear your heart on your sleeve where anyone can waltz in, take what they want, and leave you broken."_ She couldn't begin to count the amount of times she had been told that… if only she had listened, and then maybe she could be spared from another heartache. She prepared herself for the worse, but what he did next too her off guard.

He took her face between his hands and lifted her chin so that it was tilted upwards, but she still didn't look at him—_she couldn't_.

"Look at me." It wasn't an order, and she found that his voice was shaking as much as hers was. Hearing his voice shattered through the wall she had built to protect herself and she instantly melted into his eyes. "Never say that." He murmured, "Never say that it was a mistake, because it wasn't. Tris, nothing with you could ever be a mistake."

"Then why did you leave?" She didn't know what she was choking on: words or her tears, she wasn't sure. She could taste the saltiness of them as they rolled down her cheeks and fell into her open mouth.

Tobias gave a small laugh but Tris didn't find it humorous. "Because I didn't want your parents to walk in on us… I'm sure that if I hadn't left, we—or rather I—would be copping it bad today." His expression turned back to softness. "I'm sorry I couldn't stay with you this morning, but I thought—well I didn't know what you would think, so I took what I thought was the safest option. Next time, I promise I will stay."

"Oh," was all she could manage. Tears were now clouding her vision and no matter how much she tried to blink them away, the old tears were quickly replaced by new ones.

"Please stop crying." His voice was hoarse and it croaked midsentence. "I can't bear to see you upset."

She desperately wanted to listen to him but for some godforsaken reason, she couldn't. They simply didn't want to stop. "I can't." She whispered, "I don't even know why I'm crying. I'm happy… I mean I am!" She slammed her palms onto her forehead and groaned, "Ugh, why am I like this! Why am I so pathetic…"

She felt his hands cover her own and pull at her wrists until they fell limp beside her. He then used his own thumb to remove the tears, and this time, they stopped. She blinked a few more times, her sight clearing, and her throat becoming unclogged. She took a deep breath in, feeling the rush of fresh air filling her lungs.

He shook his head but his gaze remained. "You're not pathetic, Tris. You're beautiful, and you're strong. Never forget that. And don't you ever think that sleeping with you was a mistake, because it was far from that. It was amazing. You were amazing." She felt his mouth kiss away the wet trail her tears left behind. A shiver ran down her spine and she collapsed into his arms.

"I'm sorry." She said, though she didn't know what she was apologizing for. For being a blubbering nuisance, or an emotional mess or just herself, she wasn't sure.

He shook his head again. "You have nothing to be sorry for." He pulled back from her slightly and she missed the warmth his arms provided. She wanted to crawl her way back into the safety of his embrace. "Come on." He said simply as he took her hands into hers.

She frowned at him. "Where are we going?"

He nudged his head towards the direction of the back door. "I want to show you something."

…

She looked around, taking in everything. "What is this place?" she asked, eyes wide with wonder.

They were standing on a small hill that gave a direct line of sight to the rows of cherry trees. They weren't that far from the house, only a few minutes walk East—in fact, Tris had mocked him on how he had gotten lost when he was so close to the house, to which he replied with a shrug—but they were far enough to be hidden by the trees. It was secluded and only those who knew what they were looking for could find them. She could hear the hum of the engines from the road that she was sure was only a few minutes hike further East but apart from that, nature surrounded them like a bubble. She had never ventured this far East, because she had no reason to. She would always walk North, to the meadow of daisies or West to the barn that housed all the farming equipment. The only reason she would walk East were for the cherries, but that was only for a short period of time each year, and there were always trees close enough to home that she didn't feel the need to explore. Something about this place felt magical… Perhaps the place was one of a kind or more possibly it was being here with Tobias that made it special.

Tris took a deep breath in, letting the fresh air fill her lungs and rejuvenate her skin. It felt so good to be out here, and she hadn't been out and about in so long that she had forgotten how to appreciate nature properly. She had been cramped inside, writing in her book whenever she had time, jotting out all miscellaneous thoughts that crossed her mind throughout the day, and the only time she went out was to go into town to fetch a few groceries.

She glanced over at Tobias who was currently rambling on about how much he had gotten teased on his first day here, sometimes going off tangent to tell her a good story or two, but generally happily blabbering on. She soon found herself smiling along easily. It had been so long she properly smiled that it almost felt foreign on her lips.

She was gazing lazily at him, lids half closed and lips slightly puckered, every inch of her body content, when Tobias suddenly stopped blubbering and turned to look at her. He tilted his head slightly off centre as he gaze her a dazzling smile.

"What are you thinking about?" He asked.

A shadow of a smile crossed her face briefly. "Just remembering the good old times where all I wanted to do was run around and explore this place and how over time, I had lost that sense of excitement in my life. I had confined myself to familiarity when all I really wanted was to burst through that and just… _just be free_. You know?" She watched as his shoulders sagged and he let out a breathy exhale.

He nodded along to her words. "I get that. That is the exact reason why I left my old life and came running here. A fresh start and all. But you know what? I've found that it doesn't matter where you are because you'll still be the same person no matter how much everything else changes around you. If you were sad and stuck in the past before, you'll still be that in the new place. It isn't in a change of scenery you should seek solace, you should do that in people." He turned to look her in the eye, "I was so sure that this was going to be the same as the last town until I met you. When I met you, everything changed. I could literally feel my life getting warmer."

He reached out for her hand, and she let him take it without resistance. The act sent butterflies racing through her body and shivers coursing down her spine. She bit down on her bottom lip nervously.

"You know, I actually happened to stumble across this place on my first day of work. I was too stubborn—and too full of pride—to ask you where I was supposed to meet your father the night before. I was so firm in my promise to not get caught up in affairs or relationships of sorts that I pushed you away. Truth be told, that only made me want you more, but that is besides the point. I spent half of the day meandering around the fields because I was an idiot basically, and I was on the verge of tearing out my hair until eventually your father found me. Needless to say, I felt like a complete fool." He mumbled the last sentence and the flush on his cheeks made Tris grin.

She shook her head, disagreeing. "Oh, Tobias. You could never be a fool."

The corner of his lips curved upwards into a smile and he coughed to hide his growing grin. "When I found this place, I knew it was going to hold a special place in my heart, and I wanted to bring you here you hold a place in my heart also—in fact, you _own_ my heart. Every morning and every night, that I'm not with you, I come out here to think; I guess in my own strange way, it's my way of connecting with you. I wanted to show you this because it's become an important part of me, and when I heard you last night about not knowing who you are, I wanted to show you how something as simple as nature could help you find your way back to yourself. We can lose ourselves in the biggest of things but it is in the smallest of things that we can rediscover ourselves. So that is what I want to do—I want to spend this summer with you, showing—and reminding—you of all the things you thought you lost but can find again, and together we will piece together the puzzle that is Tris Prior."

He inched closer to her, "How does that sound to you?"

"It sounds perfect." She whispered.

* * *

**A/N:** _I can literally feel my heart racing in my chest… Gahhhhh! The feels in this chapter. ANYWAY! T__hank you all for the amazing reviews on the last chapter. It's so nice to hear that you are all enjoying the story so far. And as always, leave me your thoughts and questions which I will try to reply to. See you next time! :)_

_(FYI: Tris is around 22 years old and Tobias is around 25/26.)_


	10. Chapter 10

**THE ART OF LOSING YOURSELF**

Chapter 10 — TOBIAS

"What do you plan to do with the rest of the day off?" Zeke asked as he fell into stride alongside him.

Tobias shrugged back casually, "Maybe spend some time with Tris. I don't know. There's a writing convention in town for this week only and I was thinking about taking her out there. I know she likes writing, though she never tells me what she writes about. She says its personal and I never press her on it, but this is such a great opportunity to meet local writers and I think this will be good for her. "

He could feel Zeke smirking at him, "Dude, you are _so_ whipped." He said with smug laughter. "So it's a date…?" Zeke suggested with a small playful nudge.

Tobias rolled his eyes at him. "Possibly, but it's not like I'm going to tell you even if it was." He said stubbornly, "Besides, I don't think it's any of your business."

Zeke snorted. "Anything that happens around here is my business—well, at least I make it my business. There's so little to do around here so this is just about the only form of entertainment I have. I expect a full debrief tomorrow morning." He said with a wink.

"Ugh!" Tobias groaned, "You're starting to sound like a girl! And no way in hell dude… There is no way I am going to tell you about me and Tris," He shuddered, "That's just weird."

Zeke opened his mouth to object but someone beat him to the punch. A voice interjected itself into their conversation and Tobias froze up.

"What about Tris?" _Shit_. It was Caleb, Tris' brother.

Tobias slowed his pace immediately, and turned his attention to Caleb, letting Zeke continue to hum softly to himself. Caleb jogged to catch up to them, his windblown hair clinging to his forehead from the sweat. Tobias gulped, taking the time to run his tongue over his lips as he racked his brain for an answer.

"He's taking Tris on a dat—" Tobias had to elbow Zeke in the guts to stop him from talking. "Hey!" He began to protest, "Why did you hit me… Oh fuck—" Zeke had turned around, and had obviously realized his mistake because his eyes widened and he immediately shut his mouth. Tobias wanted to scream internally and he gave Zeke a stern look to warn him to remain silent but it was already too late, Caleb had caught on.

Caleb's eyebrows knotted together as he watched Tobias and Zeke. "On a what?"

Tobias racked his brain for something to say. He couldn't exactly say: _Oh nothing much. Just taking your sister out for a date… and by the way, I slept with her the other night. Just thought you'd know._ He would surely get a punch if not a pummeling. He shuddered, would her parents react the same way? Tris was twenty-two and her own person. So surely her parents would not have much to say in the matter… right? Zeke cleared his throat and that snapped Tobias back into reality.

"She said she needed to run into town to grab some stuff so I offered to drive her." Tobias blurted out quickly, trying to smooth over his voice but he was sure it wasn't very convincing.

Caleb squinted at the two of them, eyes darting back and forth. Although Tobias was clearly physically bigger and stronger, there was no denying how much anger and rage can do to a person. Tobias gulped uncomfortably, feeling small beneath Caleb's stare. He seemed to open his mouth to say something but shut it close immediately. It didn't seem like he was very convinced by the lie, and it wasn't the best excuse from Tobias but he had been pressed for time. As if too tired to argue, he gave a firm nod and walked off in the opposite direction.

Tobias let out a massive sigh of relief and spoke once Caleb was far enough not to overhear, "That was a close one."

Beside him, Zeke let out his own sharp breath, "Tell me about it. I'm sorry dude, I didn't mean to—I should've just shut my mouth… I didn't realize—"

Tobias interrupted him with a headshake, "No it's fine. I should've known better to watch my mouth around here. I mean you're just about the only one I can trust here with this secret." He dragged his fingers through his knotted hair and tipped his head backwards, "I want to tell them… her parents, I mean. I just don't know how they'll react… Would I get kicked out? I can't afford to be jobless." He groaned and kicked a nearby stone, "I feel so bad because they invited me into their home, and practically welcomed me into their family and now I just feel like I'm taking advantage of them—but I'm not," he added hastily, for fear of what Zeke might conclude from that, "I'm honestly head over heels for her. I just—I don't want them to think badly of me." He muttered a little softer.

He felt Zeke's demeanor change, and the air grew gentle around them. "They won't. I've seen how they treat you, and they love you! Natalie especially. Just look at how much she's warmed to you over the past week. Heck, she was the one who offered you the job and a place to stay in their house… Look, during the years I've been working here, she hasn't done that for anyone. Tobias, you've got two Prior women wrapped around your finger."

"I wouldn't go that far. Actually, I think I've got none. I think _they_ are the ones that have me at their beck and call." He let out an exasperated sigh, "As for Natalie, I'm sure she just felt sorry for me. I'm new to town, and obviously the only place to stay is at the inn, and we both know that place is ratty." He shuddered from the picture in his memory, "There's nothing more to it."

Zeke let out a small laugh, "You sure are blind. You have eyes but you cannot see. Honestly, sometimes I wonder how you can walk around so oblivious to the world. Natalie loves you like family, regardless of whether Tris is in the picture or not, and I've seen the way Andrew is with you. He goes on about you ever day, and let me tell you now, he doesn't ever stop talking about how good you are, and how much difference you've made around here. It's true, but sometimes listening to that for twelve hours per day can be a little exhausting." Zeke pretended to be faintish. "Caleb will probably be the one who you have to watch for. He's protective of his little sister, but when you show him, and them, how much you care for Tris, he'll be fine too. _They _already love you like family, Tobias. You have nothing to worry about. Although I do have to warn you, if you plan on staying with Tris, I wouldn't recommend keeping it a secret for long, secrets have an awful way of coming out around here. And the last thing you need is for them to hear it from someone other than you."

Tobias nodded to Zeke's words. They rung true in his ears and he knew he would have to spill sooner or later but he was afraid—he was afraid of the rejection. He knew though, if he was serious with Tris—and he was—then he would have to tell them sooner or later.

It was Tobias' turn to let out a chuckle of his own, "You know, I've never had a brother but I feel like you're starting to become one… become my brother that is. It's strange for me to have these sorts of conversations but I like it… I like that you can be honest and straight with me. So thank you, Zeke. Thank you for everything, but most of all, _thank you for being family_."

…

They had just arrived back at the house a few minutes ago, and were currently sitting in the truck, letting comfortable silence wash over them. He had known she was still fidgety from earlier, having met a lot of people, but he also knew that her nervousness was soon replaced by excitement as soon as she began to talk. He could see her anxiety slipping away and she fell into ease, floating around effortlessly as she chatted with the other writers. He loved watching her interact with other people. She was a wonder to watch. He noticed the way her excitement bubbled beneath her skin; the way her eyes lighted up like a beam and the way her lips would not stop tilting into a smile.

He found himself not being able to wipe the wide smile from his mouth that afternoon, as he trailed behind her like a lovesick puppy dog. He stood there silently, giving Tris a nudge or a squeeze, while listening to her talk. Her voice was laced with amazement, and she would often return his squeeze of the hand with one of his own when she got a little too carried away.

Tobias found that he was happy, content with doing nothing but watching her, by just being beside her, knowing that he was the one who had brought so much joy to her. He was humming along most of the day, letting Tris drag him left and right. He didn't miss the skip in her step when she bounced around the hall, chatting to every single author. Once she had warmed up to one, she couldn't stop talking—not that he wanted her to. He felt happiness like he had never before, not since his mother, but that was years ago and another story for another time. He had almost forgotten what it felt like to be actually happy, not needing to fake a smile before it became real. It had been so long since he had last smiled so much, and he owed it to the girl that was beside him for the rest of the day—and that alone made his heart jump a few beats.

Thinking about it left a hint of a smile on his own lips. Tobias turned to look at her, taking in the way her eyes still glowed with happiness. He liked seeing her like this, carefree and happy.

"Thank you for taking me today." She said quickly, her excitement still not dimming. Not that he minded.

"It's my pleasure." He gave her a warm smile, and leant over to grab her hand. "I can see that you had a great time today."

The smile on her face grew. "Oh, I did! I loved it so much today. It was," she puckered her lips, thinking probably, "it was magical." A drowsy smile spread across her face. "I can't believe you brought me to that… I didn't even know they even had that sort of stuff in town. Where did you learn about it?"

He shrugged his shoulders casually. "There was a flyer floating around town when I last went it, and I nabbed one, thinking it would be a good idea."

She placed a quick peck on his cheek. "It was." Her cheeks turned a crimson colour. A brief shadow of a frown crossed her face, "Oh god! I didn't even think about you… I was so excited that I got a little carried away… I'm so sorry I dragged you around everywhere. I should've asked you—"

Tobias simply shook his head, "Today was not about me. Besides, I didn't mind one bit. Seeing you happy is reward enough." He didn't miss her cheeks flushing a deeper red. "I took you there because I knew how much you loved writing, and I knew that you would love it. Did you know some of the authors even have their own books published?" He paused, and she shook her head, "Well, that's another surprise." He chuckled.

"I took you out there because I thought listening to them and their own experiences would inspire you to write—and even to publish a book of your own. I know you told me you only write for yourself, that it's personal, but I thought maybe if I showed you how some of them began to write as a career, you'd be more open to it. Tris, I've seen some of your work," he didn't miss her wince, "and you're brilliant. The way you write, it's breathtaking. It's mesmerizing. I wanted to show you that a little faith in yourself would take you a long way. And also, I thought it would be a good way for you to rediscover the parts of you that you thought you had lost. Being around people with similar interests and hobbies could only remind you that you love writing, and now you won't ever lose that again."

He watched her closely, waiting for a response. Her eyes flickered between his own and her lap where her fingers toyed with the hem of her dress.

A tiny smile painted her face. "Oh, Tobias… Thank you for doing that for me."

"I promised you a summer of self discovery. Remember?" He injected a little humor to lighten the mood, and it worked. Tris' laughter rung through the car, and it left tingles fluttering through his body.

"That you did." She agreed as she closed in on the gap between them.

Her lips touched his gently, and he had to hold back a moan. He had almost forgotten how heavenly it felt to kiss her. Her mouth was as sweet as daisies and her scent alone was enough to drive him mad. He leaned back, pulling her across his lap, and he kissed her with all the passion and emotion that he had built up inside from the moment he first saw her. Each kiss, no matter how many they had stolen, felt just like the first one. He felt her fingers knot into the hair at the base of his neck as he slipped his tongue into her mouth. She clawed her fingers deeper into his skin as their tongues danced. When he felt blood rushing to places he would rather not think about right now, he knew, he would have to stop this soon. Slowly he pulled away, gasping for air.

"Can you be completely honest with me?" Tris whispered once she had caught her breath. He could feel her hot breath on his neck, and he had to pull every control not to kiss her into oblivion once more.

He nodded.

She looked up at him hesitantly and her eyes met his. There was something hopeful about them, but there was also something darker inside, something more reserved, careful, distant.

"Do you regret that night?" He winced at the question. "I know you said you didn't but you've never brought it up since. Are you having second thoughts about it?" He didn't miss how quiet her voice had gone.

He sighed as he turned to face her. "No, I don't regret it. I would never regret anything with you. It's just… I don't like talking about it because I hate thinking about how I took you when you were upset. I'm angry with myself because I got carried away—heck, I got a lot carried away. I'm just—," with a groan, he pulled his fingers through his hair, "I'm angry at myself because I couldn't control myself. I was supposed to be to protect you, not to take advantage of you when you were vulnerable.

She shook her head firmly, "You didn't take advantage of me though."

He took in her expression before continuing, "There's something about you that just ignites me. This fire consumes me like nothing I've ever felt before and the ache… it _itches beneath my skin_. I think I just let my guard down for a second, and next thing I know, I'm waking up beside you."

Her eyebrows knitted and he could see her thoughts ticking. "So… you don't regret it?"

He shook his head. "No. Of course not. But I _should've _known better… I _should've_ stopped it. I didn't. And do you know why?" He paused but he didn't wait for her reply, "Because when I saw you there, so lost and scared, something inside me just snapped, and when you told me no one would ever love you, I just _had_ to show you that it wasn't true. I needed to convince you that you were beautiful and capable of being wanted, so when you said you wanted it, I didn't think it through. I didn't think that maybe you were just saying it because you got caught up in the moment… _I didn't think._" He pulled away slightly from her, needing to put some distance between their closing bodies.

Except she didn't budge when he tried to shy away. "I wanted it, Tobias. I wasn't caught up in the minute. I knew full well what I was thinking and what I was saying, and when I told you that I wanted you, I meant it with my whole heart. In that moment, _I_ wanted _you_, Tobias. I didn't care about anything else… I just wanted _you_." She admitted softly with a sigh.

He let their bodies touch once more, pulling her chin into the cup of his palms, as he looked her gently in the eye. "You're a mystery, Tris Prior. You're so beautiful, it actually _kills_ me. You're in my dreams every night, like an angel that had fallen from the sky. I tried it the other way—I had tried to treat you like any other girl, and forget you, but I can't. I can't because you're not like those girls. Everyday I'm with you, every moment I spend with you, I fall further into you. Your essence, your being, your soul, it captivates me. I think—I think I love you." He said softly.

A tear rolled down her cheek and his whole body froze. What if he had said too much? He pushed down the ugly thought. "What's wrong?" He whispered softly, not wanting her to answer.

He saw her swallow thickly. "I'm scared, Tobias… I'm not used to being loved. Yes, I was loved by my parents but not by anyone else. I've never felt this way before… I feel like I'm so vulnerable. Each time you look at me, it's like you're seeing me completely naked, and every kiss, I come further undone. And the thought of you seeing all my insecurities and all my hidden secrets terrifies me."

"I've never really been loved either, so all this," he gestured at themselves, "is all foreign to me. But we can figure that out… together. We can learn to love each other." He whispered into her ear.

She gave a small laugh. "I like the sound of that."

He leant down and kissed her, chuckling into her lips. When he felt tingles rushing down his body yet again, he knew it was time to pull away… _again_. He instantly missed her touch, and when he caught the fleeting sadness on her face, he knew she did too. He had to remind himself that now was not the time or the place to do all the things he wanted to do to her. He had to control himself… or he would lose control… _again_. He gently released her and placed her back onto her seat, reaching over to buckle her into the seat before doing his own.

She giggled at his act. "Where are we going now?" She asked. "It's like the middle of the night!" She exclaimed, as he pulled back out of the driveway.

He shook his head, laughing. "You're overreacting. It's barely ten o'clock. Besides, the night is still young, and I promised you a summer of adventure. I guess, you'll just have to wait and see." He said simply and he had this strange feeling that he would be saying that a lot this summer.

He turned to catch one last glance of her before the lights from the house faded into the background, and he would no longer be able to see her face light up. "By the way, did you know I ran into your brother today?"

"Oh?" Tris raised an eyebrow "What did he say?"

Tobias chuckled as he traced his fingers along the steering wheel. "It's a funny story actually. I was talking to Zeke about you on the way back to the house and your brother just happened to overhear. Long story short, I had to tell him I was driving you into town to grab some stuff. So if he asks, that's how we spent the afternoon. Okay?"

Tris let out a laugh. "Of course." Just as the last light began to dim, he caught a smirk on her face and a twinkle in her eye. "Tell me Tobias, what were you doing talking about me?"

* * *

**A/N: **_Apparently FFNET stuffed up on me (… like I should be surprised) but fingers crossed it works this time!As always, I hope you liked this chapter and leave me your thoughts down below. See you in the next update :)_


	11. Chapter 11

**THE ART OF LOSING YOURSELF**

Chapter 11 — TRIS

The next few weeks flew by quickly, but it had felt like long hours on the days she didn't see Tobias. He had been out on the farm from dawn to dusk, and sometimes the other way around too. The farm had gotten pretty chaotic, literally the day after he had taken her to the writing convention, and now she was actually doubting whether she would get that amount of time alone with him in the near future. If she could admit it, she would say no, but she couldn't bear the thought of being separated from him that long. So she kept it all bottled inside, but secretly hoped that they would be able to steal kisses.

More often than not, she would go a whole day without touching him—she would see him, but she could not get physically intimate, as there were always other people around. Those days were the worst. Seeing him and being near him was physical torture especially when she had to restrain herself when all she wanted to do was smash her lips onto his and run her hands through his short hair. She wanted to throw herself into his arms and kiss him until the sun came out the next day. Instead, the best she could do was mumble a friendly hello and even if they shared a brief conversation, she could not dwell on it for too long. She avoided his eyes each time because she couldn't look at him and _not_ want to kiss him. Even though she never let her eyes linger in his for too long, she would always catch herself stealing quick glances his way—especially when he was bare-chested and golden from the hours spent labouring beneath the sun. Even thinking about it now made her mouth water and her stomach hungry, although she was sure she wasn't hungry in _that_ sense.

Today marked the third day since she had last seen him, and exactly a week since she had last tasted his lips. She was beginning to miss that, and she could feel the memory begin to slip from her mind. She chewed down on a pencil, desperately trying to cling onto that memory. She closed her eyes and pictured the way he would close the gap between them so effortlessly, his pride strong and tall. He would capture her lips in one swift movement, sending her into clouds of bliss. His hands would trail themselves down her bare arms until they planted themselves onto the exposed flesh just above her shorts. She let out a breathy exhale as she opened her eyes, sighing when she realized it was all but a memory. Tentatively, she brought her fingers to touch her lips delicately, tracing it with the tips of her finger. Laughing, she shook her head. _No, she would never be able to forget his kiss_.

When her stomach grumbled and her body cried out for food, she shuffled off to the kitchen. She heard voices when she came bouncing down the stairs. The first thing she noticed was that there were too many sweaty bodies in their living, far too many that she was comfortable with. She blushed at the sight of a room full of shirtless men and quickly cast her eyes onto the ground.

"Prior."

Her heart caught in her throat. She could recognize that voice anywhere. She looked up and her eyes met his. A smile immediately found its way onto her lips as she strode across the room, padding across the floor at a quicker pace than normal, her eyes never leaving his. They met in the middle but she made sure to stay an arms length away.

"Hi." She breathed out. She wasn't sure he had even heard her but he smiled at her nonetheless.

"How have you been?" He asked casually, slinging his T-shirt over his shoulder.

Tris gulped. _Don't look down. Don't look down! _She screamed on the inside, but of course, she looked down. How could she not? He was completely bare, chest gleaming with a thin layer of sweat—not enough for it to be off-putting but just enough for it to be sexy. But holy hell, did he look good. He was defined, and it was definitely as she had remembered that night, which felt like a lifetimes ago.

She finally caught her breath, and gave him a shaky—and definitely unconvincing—answer. "Good," she said but it was far from the truth. She didn't want to say how lonely she had been without his presence, and how many times she had missed waking up to the smell of coffee, and only to go downstairs to find him holding out a cup he had already made for her.

He nodded at her answer, his fingers reaching out to gently stroke her hand. It was subtle, and she doubted whether anyone would catch on, but she certainly did—well, _certain parts of her did. _She pushed down the hunger burning inside of her, threatening to consume her, and tried to focus on one thing—his eyes. Even that she found hard to do, he was staring at her with those eyes that were sincere and compassionate, but the harder she looked, the more she found the parts of him that she saw in herself. She could see his hunger too, lurking in the background, though he certainly hid it better than she did.

She noticed no one had spoken for a while, and people would probably figure it odd that they just stood there, staring at each other. Coughing to release the tension that hung in the air above them, she turned her eyes to his shoulder.

"Have you been busy?" She asked before she could help herself. It was a stupid question. _Of course, it was. _No one had spoken anything _other than_ how busy it had been for the past few weeks. She wanted to smack herself at her stupidity, and scorned herself. _Think before you speak, idiot_.

When she looked back at him, she was shocked to find how close they had gotten. Their bodies were basically pressed against each other. How had she not noticed this? She took a tiny step back, but she suddenly missed the warmth his body gave off. She hadn't needed to take a step back, but she had feared that the lack of distance between them would only make resisting him harder than it needed to be. She wasn't in any position to lose control.

She heard a low chuckle, and when she trailed her eyes upwards, she found him grinning at her.

She frowned at him, "It's not funny!"

His eyes glimmered as he kept laughing. He paused briefly to speak, "It is a little bit."

She jutted out her bottom lip, forming a pout. "I swear to god, I have a foot-in-mouth disease." She groaned, "I really should learn to think before I speak. It's so humiliating!" She cried out, shaking her head whilst covering her face with her palms in embarrassment.

She felt the heat from his hands before she felt them. Slowly, he peeled off her arms away from her face and lifted her chin. He shook his head. "No." He said almost in a whisper. "I think it's cute."

He was so close to her. She could feel his breath on her cheeks. She had imagined in those few days in isolation how it would feel to finally get this once more… only she could never have imagined there would be so many sweaty bodies around her.

Their heads snapped around when someone called out her name. Flustered, she leapt into the air and let out a small squeak.

This time it wasn't from Tobias. She swiveled around to see Zeke, flashing his teeth at her, grinning like he had known what she was thinking. She gave him a small wave and took a step backwards, away from Tobias, when she saw that he was approaching them. Zeke raised his eyebrows at her but she brushed it off.

Tobias' manner changed in a flash, and he leaned back in his heels as he gave a curt nod to Zeke. "What's up?"

Zeke's eyes trickled between her and Tobias, nodding slowly before answering. "Nothing much." He drew out his words, enunciating each syllable more than he needed to, "What's going on _here?_" He asked instead.

Tris swallowed. _Did he know?_

Almost as if he had read her mind, Tobias quickly leant down to whisper in her ear. "Don't worry. He already knows." He said, but the words were nothing but a blur. She couldn't focus on anything other than how close his lips were to hers.

She gave a slow nod, but still not quite following.

Zeke snorted, "Yeah, don't worry girl. I got both your backs." He said with a wink.

She stood there, stunned. Not sure how to react to his words or the wink… no, _especially _the wink. "Um…" she stumbled for her words, unable to respond. "Thanks… I guess?"

He laughed. "No worries." He shook his head next but he was still laughing. "Next time, you should really get a room."

She could hear Tobias' breathing stop for a second before she heard him grumble, "We're trying to." He said softly, and it was so quiet that she had almost missed it. She hadn't though, and she had to laugh.

Zeke frowned at them, probably trying to figure out why she had suddenly burst out with laughter, but he didn't question it.

"Anyway… Zeke, I need Tobias to help me with something." She didn't miss the smirk that he gave her. "It's not—I—I um…" she was fumbling with her words, "I just need some help in the kitchen..." Her voice had turned into a hush, and she could feel her cheeks heating.

Zeke laughed again, "Sure." He said with a wink but thankfully, he walked away without another word. She could still hear him humming to himself as he skipped off but once he was out of earshot, she let out a sigh of relief, her embarrassment slowly being released into the air.

She looked back at Tobias, her eyes darting from his to the kitchen, somehow signaling that she wanted to be alone. Was she being too selfish, wanting him all to herself? Surely, they would all be sick of him now. Besides, there was too much testosterone in that room.

When she looked back up again, she found that his eyes were sparkling. _He had caught on_, despite how bad she was at this. He nodded eagerly, and let her lead him away from the rambunctious laughter in the living room. When they were in the safety of the kitchen, he was the first to beat the silence.

"I've missed you so much, Tris." He whispered into her ear.

She leaned into his touch, "I know. You have no idea how much I've missed this."

He wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her in close. "Oh, I think I do." He pulled away slightly and looked at her. "I'm sorry I haven't been around much."

She shook her head, "No. You don't have to apologize. It's your job." She offered him a small smile. "But that doesn't make it any easier not seeing you everyday. This was supposed to be our summer. You know, our time together. It's just been hard not seeing you as much as I'd want to."

"Believe me. I want that as much as you do, but things are starting to wind down again soon, so we'll have time to ourselves again. I promise." He sealed it with a quick peck. It was only quick and she reached out for him again for another, but stopped herself half way, letting her arms drop by her sides again.

"I'll keep you to that promise… err—" Her eyebrows crossed. How had she not known his last name? It had never crossed her mind to ask about his last name simply because she hadn't needed to but hearing him call her by her last name made her want to do the same. Only she couldn't quite get the same effect if she didn't know what it is.

She looked up at him, curious. "What _is_ your last time Tobias?"

She saw him flinch at the question and look away. "You can just call me Tobias. There's no need for last names." He tried to laugh it off but she wasn't buying it.

Her frown deepened. "Why can't you tell me? Why won't you?" She took a deep breath, "You always call me by my last name… I just want to know _yours_." She muttered.

Tobias just shrugged. "I call you by your last name because I like the way it sounds, and because I do it because that's what the rest of the guys call you. And I haven't told you because there's been no need to know mine."

"But I _want _to know now. Why don't you want to tell me?" Her voice grew soft.

She could see the hesitation in his eyes but she couldn't understand why he didn't tell her. Was there something he was hiding?

She stared at him for a long time before he finally spoke up, and even when he did, it was barely a whisper.

"Eaton." His eyes clamped shut. "My last name is Eaton."

She let her fingers touch the side of his jaw, tracing its definition like she had so many times before. She remembered his body better than she did hers. She heard him suck in a breath as soon as her fingers touched his skin, and she shivered. It was so strange, almost foreign to her, that such a simple touch could ignite something so deep in the both of them.

"Tobias Eaton," she was testing his name on her lips and a smile spread across her face as soon as she had said his name aloud, "I like that." She breathed, "I like it a lot."

They spent the next few minutes in each other's embrace, thinking about nothing except the simple intimacy in their touch. It was nothing like their desire to be with each other in ways that involved no clothing, it was more of a need to be with each other, whether that be in a hug or a kiss. She had missed it so much, so she let herself fall into his arms, letting his scent, his touch, his everything take over.

They only broke apart at the sound of someone calling out to them, or rather, Tobias.

"Oi, Eaton!" The breathless voice belonged to Zeke. "We're about to head back into the fields. Are you coming or not?"

One look at him told her all she needed to know. So when he peeled herself from her grasp, she didn't fight it. Instantly, her chest felt bare and her stomach dropped, and all she could think of was how long she would have to wait before their next moment together.

"I should probably go." He mumbled, clearly not happy that he had been interrupted.

She had known that they had only come back in for a break, working when the sun was at its peak was tiring, especially today when the temperatures were soaring higher than usual. She shouldn't have been upset that he would leave her again, but she was. Her body ached for him, and she craved more than just a simple touch or a quick kiss. She wanted a day where she could just _be_ with him and not have to worry.

Tris let out a big exhale and nodded sadly. "Yeah you probably should," she said.

She watched as he turned to walk to the back door where the others had gone through a minute ago. Before he disappeared out of the door, he called out to her again.

"I think we'll be back earlier than usual. So tonight… porch?"

"I'll be there." She whispered and she caught the whiskers of his smile before he ran off.

She turned to look at the kitchen clock. 2pm. She groaned, just 7 more hours to get through before she would see him again. It was definitely going to be a long day.

…

When she came downstairs again, two hours had barely passed. She had sulked back to her room when Tobias had left, and had locked herself in that room, trying to get some writing done. Ever since he had taken her to the writing convention, she had wanted to write more and more, but she found it hard. The difficulty wasn't in putting the words to paper. It was figuring what she wanted to say.

She had hoped to find Tobias in the living room again but she knew it was unlikely. They had only come in since today's weather was absolutely unbearable—she knew this because they never came on any other day. Today was only an exception, so it would be close to impossible to see him twice during the working hours.

Instead, she found her mother, curled up on the couch with a book in her hand.

"You know reading on that thing is horribly uncomfortable, right?"

Her mother turned to her, a smile spreading once she realized who it was. "I'll try not to sit here for too long then." She joked back.

Tris walked over to her mother slowly, planting down the book spine upwards on the armrest before patting the seat next to her, signaling Tris to join her. She planted herself beside her mother with a plop, huffing out a large breath whilst blowing away a strand of hair that had fallen out of place. She had been having a hard time keeping her hair tidy when she was writing because she tended to claw at her hair each time she was frustrated. This only happened when she couldn't find the right word to describe what she wanted to say… which happened more times than she would care to admit.

Her mother looked at her strangely, observing the way she huffed and puffed.

"What's wrong?" She asked.

"Nothing's wrong."

"I know you're lying." Tris winced at how easy it was for her mother to read her.

"It's—it's nothing, really." She quickly retreated on her words. Her mother lifted one eyebrow and Tris knew it was practically impossible to lie to her. "Just frustrated." She put simply, and there was no way her mother could call her out on this because it was the truth. She just didn't care to elaborate on what—or rather, who—was making her frustrated.

Tris shrunk further into the chair when her mother raked her eyes over her again. She wanted to hide. She didn't want to say it out loud because it made her feel petty. The reason she was angry wasn't because she was annoyed with Tobias it was rather the opposite. She wanted him so much that she was angry when she couldn't get time with him. Not that she could admit this to her mother.

She sighed. "I can't tell you. It's personal..."

"This isn't about Tobias, is it?" Her eyes widened and she stared at her mother in shock, just blinking but doing little else.

"What?" It was a shaky whisper.

Her mother gave her a stern look but it soon softened. "I know about you and Tobias, honey. I've known since that night at dinner." She gave off a short laugh. "You didn't make it hard to spot. Besides, you think you're being very careful but I catch onto everything. The constant giggling, the sigh of love, and especially the stolen glances you take when you think no one is watching. That kind of stuff doesn't float by me, Tris, but I think it does for your brother and your father."

"Are you going to tell them?" Her voice was as tiny as a child's. She felt so vulnerable right now, like someone had taken a knife and sliced her open.

Her mum shook her head and laughed. "Of course not, honey. That's your business." Her mother took her hand into hers and gave it a small pat. "And you weren't the only one who had a love at a young age. I wasn't that much older when I met your father, and well, we know how that turned out. Even though I was young, I knew I loved him because you just know when it's the right person. I'm telling you know the right person only comes into your life once, so you've got to make sure you make the most of it. Tris, I don't think it's a coincidence that he found you that day… I think that was fate, weaving your lives together."

Her mother glanced at her again, and Tris tried to blink away the tears that had formed in her eyes. "It's okay to be scared, Tris. I know after the last break up," Tris winced at the mention of Peter. Her mother still didn't know the truth, and she desperately wanted to tell her but hadn't quite found the right time to spill something as large as that. "I know you're still healing, but I don't think you should let that hold you back. When you think you've found the right one—and you'll know in your guts that he's the right one—just take a leap of faith."

Tris nodded, letting her mother's words sink in. The tears were gone, and replaced by it hope, and love.

"… So you approve of him?" She asked slowly, carefully.

Her mother's smile was genuine. "Yes. I think he's good for you, Tris, and I know he'll treat you well."

Tris leant in to hug her mother. "Thank you mum."

* * *

**A/N: **_Holy crap, that's 8 pages of full chunky paragraphs. I enjoyed writing this chapter actually, and most of it just flowed when I was writing so I guess it was meant to be. I'm trying to incorporate more characters but it's hard juggling so many at once, particularly since I like to do in depth characters rather than just briefly mentioning them. So hopefully, we will hear more from Tris' family (more so Natalie because she's more vital in the story), as well as Zeke and Christina soon. Leave a review down below telling me what you thought about this chapter (I would also like to hear who is your favourite character, besides Tobias and Tris of course). Thanks :)_


	12. Chapter 12

**THE ART OF LOSING YOURSELF**

Chapter 12 — TOBIAS

By the time he had come back around the house, it was almost 9pm. He was the last of the guys to arrive back at the house. The others had left the harvest long ago but Tobias wanted to appreciate the nightlife a little longer so he stayed behind, offering to help pack away the last bits of equipment. It was comforting to him. To be alone in a place where there were no constraints, no such thing as conformity, and definitely no restrictions placed on him, was oddly freeing. The night had grown quite but he didn't mind, he rather liked it. He wanted to enjoy this newfound sense of freedom before he was found, caught, strung up and dragged back to his old life. The night chill breezed past him and the hairs on his arms rose. The sudden shiver wasn't from the chill, it was from knowing that this safe haven of his couldn't last forever.

The last few hours were excruciatingly slow, especially since all he could think about was Tris and his promise to meet her later tonight, which one glance at the clock told him it was in only ten minutes. He had been so jittery all afternoon, which seemed to only humor Zeke more, but Tobias was less than impressed. Despite not knowing anything about him or Tris, he received many comments on how he was 'whipped' and 'as sappy as a baby', though he understood the gist of most of them, some confused him and left him wondering what they actually meant.

When he took the first step into the house, he was met by a delicious smell. Following his nose, he found himself wondering off into the kitchen where he found Natalie bent over a stove, stirring. He was staring for a while, just thinking. Having seen her there reminded him of the times he would watch his mother do the same, only for him to come downstairs one day and her gone. That was the same night they had cold dinner.

He grimaced at the memory and shook his head to clear himself of all thoughts of her—he didn't want to remember how she had left him.

"Do you need some help?" He asked, desperately needing to distract his mind. Natalie spun around startled, and realizing his mistake he quickly apologized. "I'm sorry… I didn't mean to scare you."

She had one hand on her chest, and he immediately felt bad for giving her such an awful fright. He opened his mouth to apologize again but shook her head, giving him a small smile. "No, it's quite alright. You didn't scare me."

He nodded and tried to return a smile but he knew that his smile never quite reached his eyes. He felt bad, and he hated how she was too polite to even accept his apology. She was far too kind to dwell on something as simple as that… which was strange to him, because he had never received such kindness. She was so different to _him_.

"Where are the rest of the boys?" She asked, her cheerful voice brightening up the dimly lit room.

He shrugged casually, "We finished a while ago. Caleb said he had somewhere to be and I think Andrew's just cleaning up."

Natalie smiled. "Caleb's probably over at Cara's."

Tobias frowned. "Who's Cara?" he asked because he had never heard of that name before.

He watched her move about the kitchen as she answered him. "She's the daughter of the neighboring farm. Smart as a whip that one. I have no idea why she's still hanging around here. She should be out in the world, at university or something. I think she's only hanging around because of Caleb, and I think it's the same for him." She gave off a short laugh; "Those two are perfect for each other."

Not feeling the need to reply, Tobias just nodded and moved closer to take the wooden spoon she had dropped on the bench. He then planted himself at the stove where he saw Natalie stirring, feeling the need to apologize somehow.

"Tobias…" she began slowly as she planted herself back next to him, "You don't need to help. I've got this all sorted. Besides, this is for tomorrow's dinner and it's in no rush. Why don't you sit down and I'll bring you something to eat? Surely you must be hungry."

He was firm in his answer, "No, thank you. I'm not that hungry. I just need something to distract myself for the next ten minutes." He saw her eyes squint a little, and he suspected she wanted to ask something about that, but thankfully she didn't.

"No, no, no." She quickly shook her head, placing her hands on her hips, still adamant on keeping her original decision. Tobias held back a smile as he realized how similar Tris and her mother were. "You're our guest so it's your responsibility to relax and enjoy your time here." Her soft features turned upwards into a grin.

He soon found himself smiling alongside her, laughing whilst shaking his head at how stubborn she was. Tris was definitely like her mother. "How long are you going to call me a guest? I've pretty much been living here for a full month and that is way too long to be still considered a guest. And anyway, you need the help and I insist."

He looked at her, still not backing down. She agreed with a small nod and walked to the other bench to retrieve another set of utensils, setting them down on the bench too. She then resumed stirring, albeit a different pot this time and began to hum a soft tune to herself. Tobias felt a smile tugging on his lips the longer he stood beside her, enjoying the comfortable silence. He was busy staring into his pot, not really stirring at all at this point of time, when her humming came to a stop. He felt her turn her eyes onto him, observing him, and Tobias swallowed thickly.

"You know," she began slowly, drawing out her words, "I've never seen Tris so happy in years. Ever since you've arrived, I haven't seen that smile leave her face."

He looked over at her, raising his eyebrows. "Oh?"

She nodded hastily. "Yeah. I can see that it's you that's made her so happy—" She paused, having stopped stirring and placed the wooden spoon on the bench, "so please don't hurt her. She's still vulnerable from the last time… she hasn't been herself since the last boy from the city, but I can see her coming out from her shell again for the first time, since you've come into her life. So please just don't do anything that would jeopardize that." He could hear the ache in her voice.

The whole room grew heavy with sadness. Tobias could feel his own heart thumping in his chest, squeezing at Natalie's words. He cringed when he heard how Tris had been so madly mistreated, and now he wanted to hold her more than ever.

Glancing up from the pot, he summoned up the strength to look at her eyes. "I would never hurt her, Natalie. I would never do that to her." He noticed how her eyes no longer seemed so down and sad, instead they piqued up a little and her better mood seemed to lighten up the whole room. "I can see it in her eyes sometimes… how they glaze over as if she's not really here anymore. Then there's those times where she completely shuts down in a conversation, and her whole body clenches up like she's scared." Tobias shut his eyes and whispered the next few words, "What happened to her?"

He was met by silence, but he had expected that. When he opened his eyes again, he saw that Natalie's smile had dropped and a frown had replaced it.

"She had a rough time in the city. I—we—didn't know about it until just before summer began…" he could see her wince from the memory, "she never told us how bad it was—she still hasn't, and I don't understand why—but when she came back here, it was like looking at a completely different person. I didn't even recognize my daughter. Her eyes were hollow, and she was so thin I was afraid she was going to collapse under her own weight. She barely spoke a word to any of us, and all she would do all day was run. She looked so fragile, so helpless… I was so worried… " Her voice came out in a muffle, "I hated seeing her like that. I won't see her like that again."

He felt a pang in his heart, like someone had shot him where it would hurt most. "Why didn't she ever tell me how bad it was?"

"I don't know, only she can tell you that. But I do know she's scared, Tobias. She's scared of letting anyone in because she's afraid of what will happen. I don't know what happened in Chicago because she won't tell me what happened. I don't think she's even admitted to herself what had happened. I think she just keeps wishing that one day she'll wake up and it'll be all over. It breaks my heart seeing my little girl like that."

Tobias swallowed back the tears. "… If she hasn't told you, do you think she'll ever tell me?" Tobias asked with a shaky voice.

Natalie took his hand in her palms and gave it a gentle pat and a squeeze. "I want to tell you that she will, but I honestly don't know." She gave him a small smile, "But I'm sure she will tell you when she's ready. It's taken her quite a while to get to this, and I think it will take a little longer before she's ready to tell you, but just be patient with her… Okay?"

He nodded once. He couldn't find the energy or the heart to do it again. "Can I ask you one thing?" He waited for her answer before continuing, "What was his name?"

He could see the hesitation in her eyes. She hung her head low and sighed. "Peter."

Tobias' fists curled into balls as he clenched them at his sides, fighting back a snarl. He gritted his teeth together, sliding them along as they ground into each other. He wanted to punch something. He wanted to punch him. If he ever had the guts to show his face, Tobias wanted nothing more than the chance to pummel his face in with his bare hands.

"She's still fragile, Tobias. Just promise me you won't ever give up on her okay. I hope that when she's finally ready, she will tell you."

…

"You're late." Her voice echoed through the stale air.

He groaned as he ran his hands through his hair. "I'm sorry. We got caught up in the farm and I wanted to clean up before I came out here." It was a lie he couldn't help but tell.

Truthfully, he wanted to get the whole conversation with Natalie out of his system. He had to stalk back into the fields to scream and punch a tree before he finally swallowed his courage to walk back and face her. He was so angry to hear what Peter had done to her—sure, she had spoke about him a little hear and there—but putting a name to the person really fired up his rage.

She felt her eyes searching in his and he swallowed as he tried to keep the eye contact. He wanted to pull away but he was afraid of what she might think—would she think that he didn't want her? But he could barely breathe, let alone think with the lack of distance between them. Being so close to her, near enough to smell her daisy scent, drove him insane. How could someone possibly hurt someone as gentle as her? How could like that someone look at themselves in the mirror and not hate what they see?

"That's okay," she finally said with a soft voice that made his heart squeeze for lying, "I wasn't waiting long anyway."

He nodded and let her lead him over to the railing that overlooked the whole farm. A tiny smile played on his lips as he remembered the first time he was out here with her, talking like they had been friends for a long time, but his stomach plummeted as he remembered what he said that night. _"I'm sorry, but I just don't feel the same." _Oh, how much that was a lie even back then.

She was there, like an angel amongst the darkness, and he was frozen, like a deer stuck in the headlights. Her purity shone through the thick cloud, and with one glance she could mesmerize everyone that was around her. He remembered thinking that she was too good for him, and that he would never be able to live up to her level. More importantly, by being with her, he would taint her innocence, her pure soul, and he didn't want to do that. _He couldn't do that to her_.

Avoiding her was hard enough around the farm—it wasn't small, but knowing that she could be just around the corner, made him feel horribly claustrophic—but denying the chemistry between them was harder. The worst was probably holding himself back from her, and the one time he let himself slip, she tore down the walls he built to protect himself. With his guard down and his walls crashing and burning at his feet, he was left feeling vulnerable and completely transparent, but _that_ was when she saw through him. She saw through his façade—of not wanting anyone, of pretending to be some cold-hearted man that didn't need any compassion or love in his life—and she loved him for it. _That _was the moment when he thought '_Fuck it.' _She was the best thing to come out of his life anyway.

He let out a heavy sigh before he took his place next to her. "What did you do for the rest of the day?" He asked as casually as he could manage. What he was actually trying to say was, _I didn't see you when I got back to the house, so where did you go? _

Tris' lips curled into a smile. "I went over to help out at the stand for a while, around 4 o'clock. I got bored inside so I went out for a little fresh air. They kept me busy serving customers there, which was good because it took my mind off how many hours before I could see you again. I did the whole hour countdown inside my head before I thought, this probably isn't healthy, and so I went out there." She let out a small chuckle, "Besides, being out and about always helps me think straighter."

He found himself smiling dazedly as he listened to her talk about her day. He watched her mouth move, her smile dip and curve and her head tilt occasionally to see if he was still watching. He almost frowned when he saw that she had stopped talking, and he wanted to grab her and tell her to never stop.

Instead, she tilted her head once more and looked at him with her eyebrows pulled together slightly. "What are you thinking about?" She asked.

He gave her a grin that he was sure would make her insides melt and her mind fuzzy. "I was just thinking about _you_." He watched as her mouth moved to form a circle as she let out a breathy exhale. "I was just thinking about how it takes everything in me to not just throw you down and have my way with you." He watched the way she shifted her weight, closing the distance between them.

It was all true. He couldn't stop thinking about anything but that since those few weeks ago. It feels like the longer he went without touching her, or being physically intimate, the more he craved her—the hungrier he got for her.

He tipped a little further, deliberately brushing his teeth against her ear as he drank in the sight of her. She was shivering beneath his touch, and he could hear her bit back the gasp that had made its way up to her throat. Her eyes were eager, and the pulse in her neck was racing. She was waiting for him to make the move. She wanted him as much as he wanted her, and the close proximity intensified how badly he wanted his way with her. She was only reacting the same way he reacted to her, but there is something more thrilling about the way her heart thumped so loud it was ringing in his ears.

"I can't wait until we're alone again." He whispered as he dragged his fingertips up her forearm.

When she pulled herself away, he let out a throaty growl. He wanted her back close to him, her chest pressed flush against his own. That thought was interrupted when she placed her finger across his lips, and her lips owning the mischievous smirk that only he was famous for.

"We're alone now," she whispered as she sat up and swung her right leg over his lap, straddling him.

Tobias gulped. He could feel blood rushing from the tip of his head heading down South, and he groaned, knowing all too well what was coming next—a long cold shower when he got back inside. He slammed his eyes closed as he felt her pepper kisses on his neck and up towards his jaw. A throaty groan escaped his mouth as her lips made her way up to his mouth. Her lips were hot on his skin and he shivered at each of her feathered touch. Desperate to touch her, he wound his arm around her, cinching her tiny waist as he pulled her lips back up to his. She moaned into his mouth as he ground the heat between her legs against the one between his own. She leant back, murmuring his name over and over as he explored her neck and shoulder. He took his time, memorizing every detail of her skin before he quickly grew tired of the lack of exposed skin. One flick of his hand and he had the tiny camisole she was wearing pooled around her waist, leaving her in just the strapless bra he knew she was wearing.

The silk curls of her hair fell loosely around her shoulders, framing her face. He snaked his hand up her back, tangling his fingers in them, tugging slightly. With each nip and kiss from his mouth, she arched her chest forward, teasing and tempting him to just take a peek. Her hands found their way around his neck and her fingers crept up slowly, brushing against the short hair on the back of his head. It was in that moment Tobias wished he hadn't kept his hair short. She needed something to hold onto.

He let her push his mouth to hers once more. When they pulled away again, gasping for breath, he let his eyes dip and take in the sight of her. Her perky breasts were cupped in a plain cotton bra, but it still left him breathless. He traced across the top with the tips of his fingers, before slowly lowering his lips and kissing the top curve of her breast. The sudden contact of his mouth against her sensitive skin made her jerk against him, and he groaned as her hips fell back onto his lap.

He was about to let out a moan of his own when he heard the door creak. He could feel every muscle in her body freeze as her eyes widened with stun. He turned his head around slowly, half terrified to find someone there watching them and half mortified if that person had watched all they had done in the past few minutes. He let out a huge exhale when he saw that there was no one there, and that it was in fact the wind that had caused the fly screen door to make a ratchet against the wooden one.

"Oh my god." Both her hands flew to her mouth as they both sat up straighter, but neither of them moved an inch. He was staring into her wide eyes, fighting back a laugh. The innocent look she was giving him was hard to take serious when her shirt was all but gone and her hair was a wild and tangled mess around his fingers.

"Maybe that was a sign that we need to slow down," he said with a laugh as he pulled her top back up. He let his fingers brush against her skin as he did so, wanting to prolong the task for as long as he could, but he soon hastened the pace. He didn't want anyone to walk out and see her the way only he could. They had a lucky break this time, but perhaps the next time they would not be so lucky.

She let her head drop onto his shoulder as she muttered. "I think so."

He didn't move as he just held her in his arms, taking in everything. God knows how long it would be before he touched her like that again, and knowing their luck, it would probably be another few weeks. She slid off him slowly, planting herself beside him on the railing, and he fought back a whine. He already missed her.

She let out a loud exhale as she turned her head upwards to meet his eyes. "To be continued," she whispered.

He gave a strong nod, as he placed his arms around her shoulders, pulling her back in close again, placing a gentle kiss on her forehead. "To be continued." He agreed, murmuring into her ear.

* * *

**A/N: **_Happy winter for those in the Southern Hemisphere! Here's to the chilly winds and no more sun… __hooray!… not really. Anyway, hope you all enjoyed this chapter and don't forget to drop a review down below with your thoughts. See you next time :)_


	13. Chapter 13

**THE ART OF LOSING YOURSELF**

Chapter 13 — TRIS

"Mum!" Tris stood her ground with her arms crossed over her chest defensively. "You've been working too hard. You need to take a break," she turned her eyes towards her father, "and you too." She pointed her finger and waggled it at both of them. "You've both been stressing yourselves out for the past week, and with the harvest completely done, it means you finally have no excuse to go."

Her mother almost glared at her, "I do not need a break. Besides, without me here, how ever are you going to manage?"

Tris rolled her eyes, "We'll be fine, mum. I've been taking care of myself for the past few years… remember?" She was certain her mum did remember, because Tris would always find the opportunity to tell her mother that each time she had called her incapable of cooking or cleaning up after herself.

"Of course I remember," her mother said with a scowl, "but I just don't want to leave you! It's not just for one day, it's an entire weekend!"

"I'll be fine, mum." Tris muttered, "It's not like I'm alone anyway… I'll be with Caleb… and Tobias. Everything will be fine." She must've said the latter part a little too eagerly—or his name with a dreamy smile, like she usually did—because her mother shook her head and her father had a deep frown on his face. She quickly piped up before anyone could comment on her slip-up. "You both need to take this trip. So go." She practically had to shove them through the door before they agreed to go.

It wasn't until she saw their car actually leave the driveway that she let out the breath she was holding. No matter how hard she tried to compose herself as she strode to the couch where her book awaited her, she didn't miss how her legs would kick out in excitement every second step. A whole weekend without her parents… an entire weekend with Tobias. It was definitely going to be an exciting one.

…

The doorbell jerked Tris rather violently from her daydream. She must've fallen asleep on the couch, reading, while she was waiting around for Tobias' lunch break, so she could surprise him with lunch, only to have her fall asleep and miss it completely. She groaned as she pushed herself upright, realizing that she had overslept by more than an hour. She rubbed her left arm, which was now numb and completely sore, cursing at herself because she should have known better than to have dozed off on the stupid thing. Bleary eyed, she hopped her way over to the front door.

The bright light blasted at her, and she squinted at the shadow at the door. The light was giving her a headache. She lifted her hand, turning her palm in an attempt to block out the sun.

"Tris!" The voice beamed, obviously happy to see her but Tris could only cringe, not meeting the same enthusiasm.

When her eyes grew used to the sun, she noticed that the figure at the door was Christina, who was now giving her a strange look. Tris did her best to give her a warm smile, but her mouth was too stiff to give her a convincing one. She wasn't exactly over-enthused to see Christina, especially how their last spontaneous catch had ended.

She bit back a cry as she reached over and tried to open the door, with her left hand. It was still stinging. "That's the last time," she muttered under her breath, a long due break-up promise with the couch.

She managed to open the door but snatched it back immediately, cradling her arm with her hand. She should have thought about the consequences before agreeing for a short nap on the couch. Half an hour she had promised herself, and yet, two hours later, she was regretting ever agreeing to that. It was a foolish move, but she was honestly too tired to climb back up the stairs. She also feared that in her sleep-deprived state, she would only make it up halfway before collapsing and tumbling back down.

She heard the fly net door creak as Christina entered and promptly closed it behind her. Numbly, Tris led her over to the living room where the large dining table sat. She took her seat on the opposite, gesturing Christina to do the same on the other side. They sat, facing each other, in uncomfortable silence. Tris tried to distract herself by admiring the flowers her mother had placed on the table a few days ago. They were beginning to wither away, and their vibrant hues had almost disappeared altogether. The flowers were a good source of distraction but once she noticed how sad they looked, she couldn't stop seeing that bleakness everywhere. She tried to look elsewhere but not anything in the same general direction as Christina. She didn't want to meet her eyes, because as one said, the eyes were the window to the soul, and in her current grumpy state, she wasn't in the mood for a heart-to-heart. There was nothing else that held her entertainment for long, so she resumed fiddling with the hem of her dress while waiting for the awkward air to clear.

Christina was the first to break the silence.

"Where are your parents?" She asked nervously, her eyes flickering around the room.

Tris shrugged. "They're out of town for the weekend. The harvest is done, so I told them to take the weekend off and go to a retreat or something. I don't know if they've taken my advice but they've gone somewhere."

Christina gave a shy nod. "I haven't seen you around much these few weeks," she began, fingers twitching, "I just wanted to apologize for how I acted the last time. That wasn't…" she cleared her throat and looked away, "it wasn't very nice of me to do that to you. You had your reasons, and they must've been huge ones for you to leave so sudden, and I can't hold that against you for doing what you needed to do… You had to do what you felt was right."

It had been so long since she had someone to talk to, someone to listen to her. She had missed her best friend so much, and it haunted her what she had left behind when she skipped town. That day, there was so much going on that she couldn't stay in the small town anymore, and despite how much she knew she would miss her family and her friends, she left. It was the first thing she had done for herself, and it felt oddly freeing. For the first time that day, she felt like nothing could hold her back, but if only she knew… _history has a strange way of repeating itself._

Tris let her eyes flicker from her fingers pulling at the lint in her dress to Christina's face, which was pooled with guilt and wreck. Her own features immediately softened as she let out a small sigh. Guess they were in for a heart-to-heart after all.

"I want to tell you everything… I want to tell you why I left and why I came back, but it's hard. You know I've never been one to tell my feelings straight up, so talking about it is not as easy as it is for you or anyone else." She reached over the table and grabbed Christina's trembling hands. "You're my best friend, Christina, and you will always be my best friend. You have no idea how many times I wanted to call you when I was happy or more when I was sad. I guess I just thought you'd never want to hear from me, considering how I just left you stranded here without a proper goodbye. What I'm trying to say is, I want to try… I want to try to let you in…"

Christina's eyes flickered up from their hands to meet Tris' eyes. "I want that too…" Christina's tiny voiced matched hers.

Tris chewed on her lip, praying that someone would give her strength to say what she needed to next, "I can't tell you why I left… or why I came back…" she closed her eyes and winced at the memory, "But I want my friend back. I want my best friend to be here with me. I want to be able to tell you all the things that I used to tell you before I left. I want to dance the night away with only the music that we make from our lips. I want to stay up all night and talk about whatever boy we fancied… I just want that back." She forced a smile, but her nerves were still eating her up inside, "I just want everything to go back to normal."

Christina's face turned upwards into a smile as weary as her own. "Well, you know I'm always here if you want to talk."

She cracked a small smile at her friend. "I know," she said with a slow nod, "and that's what I love about you."

A moment of silence ticked by, and oddly enough, it wasn't uncomfortable. They sat around the table, smiling, laughing as they each made a funny face at the other. It truly was like nothing had happened—like there had never been that rift between them. After all, they were best friends, and that sort of thing doesn't die so easily. Tris found herself humming along to a song Christina was belting aloud—well, screaming at the top of her lungs was more like it—but nonetheless, she was laughing. She was having fun with her best friend. For once, everything did feel normal.

Christina's face turned upwards into a grin, and Tris narrowed her eyes at her, trying to figure out why her friend had suddenly burst into a full, knowing smile. "So…" she began, tempting, "who's the mystery man?"

Tris almost choked. "What?" She croaked out as she wiped the back of her mouth.

Christina winked at her. "You know… the hot man candy who's been hanging all over you this few weeks." Christina probably thought Tris was confused since her mouth was hanging wide open because she continued, "You know, the hot dude? The sex-on-a-stick? The I-would-lick-honey-off-your-bare-chest guy?"

Her eyes were bulging out by now, "Yes, yes, yes. I know who you're talking about but how—when—how—WHAT?"

She shrugged, "I saw you with him down at the writing convention but you two disappeared before I had the chance to talk to you…" Christina let out a sigh as her shoulders sagged, "Okay, no. That's not true. The real reason was because I didn't know how to approach you… I didn't know what to say to you after how badly I had behaved last week. I didn't know how to say sorry… because I've never been one for apologies. I'm the one who says what she wants because she can, and because she can't take lies and secrets," Tris swallowed thickly at her words, "So all my life I've had no reason to apologize for just telling the truth but when it finally dawned on me that I was in fact being a bitch, and not just calling it as I see it, I didn't know what to do."

Tris tried to offer a smile but she was sure Christina wasn't buying it. "I know, and you don't have to apologize for being who you are. I love that you can be completely straight with me. I love your honesty, and it makes me feel shitty that I've kept so many things from you, but it's sort of my thing… you know? I used to believe it was something I had to deal with alone…" She could see Christina nodding, "But maybe not anymore… perhaps I can learn to let people in, and learn that I can't fix everything myself."

Tris coughed, and looked away. The house was beginning to feel shrouded by gloom, and the conversation had grown far too sad. It was her first real conversation with her best friend since she had come back, and she certainly wasn't going to let it dwell on bleak and utterly cheerless topics.

She cleared her throat and muttered. "So… you're not going to tell anyone about me and Tobias. Are you?"

Tris tapped her fingers on the edge of the table, anxiously waiting for an answer to her question only it never came. Instead, Christina paused briefly before repeating Tobias' name over and over, as if testing the name.

"Tobias. Tobias… Hmm, I guess it sort of does fit him. It really does remind you of all those muscles I knew I saw."

Tris smacked her friend's arm and she recoiled back, frowning, "What was that for?"

"For not answering my question! And for talking about my boyfriend like he's a piece of meat." Tris said with a grin. Christina looked at her, tilting her head and shaking it as if to say '_A piece of meat? You dork!'_

Then in all seriousness, she said. "No, of course not," she lifted her index finger and placed it on her lips, leaning in close so no one else would hear what she had to say next, "it'll be our little secret. But you've got to tell me one thing," Tris lifted an eyebrow, waiting, "… is he excellent in the sack? Because he sure looks like he would be!"

Tris rolled her eyes and groaned. _Typical_.

…

When it was almost evening, and Christina had just left, Tris almost sprinted out the back door. They had spent the day basically catching up on all those years they had lost while she was in Chicago, and Tris was sure that they had talked enough for all those years to come. She almost felt sad when Christina had to say goodbye, but of course, she did not leave without a promise to visit again soon. As soon as her car turned down the driveway and the headlights disappeared into the distance, Tris turned and bolted out to the one place she had been dying to go since that morning.

She found him not long after, perched under a tree with shades on his eyes. She slowed down to a brisk walk as she neared, and even attempted to sneak up on him and surprise him with a very exciting wake up call. However, it seemed that her attempts fell in vain, as he turned towards her when she was a few steps out and beamed a smile. She strode the last few steps before plopping herself on the ground beside him, taking a few much needed breaths. (It seemed she wasn't quite as fit as she had hoped to be. She had used to run all day, every day, but with Tobias here, she had been… _distracted._)

With an exasperated sigh, she turned and looked at him, "How did you know I was there?"

He reached up and took his sunglasses off with one swift moment, before taking the time to rake his eyes over her body. She shivered, despite it being hot outside. A smirk began to grow on his lips, as he answered her.

"You're not very light-footed." He answered casually.

The expression that crossed her face was a mixture of a pout and a frown. "I hate how I never get to surprise you!" She exclaimed, throwing her hands wildly into the air before letting them drop to her sides with a breathy exhale. "You always know I'm coming," she mumbled quietly.

He gave her one of those smiles that made her insides melt, and all those thoughts before disappeared, and all she could think of was how much she missed this.

"I can pretend not to know?" He suggested, lifting an eyebrow.

She pushed her lips into a deeper pout. "But that will just be cheating! I want one time, _just one time_, where I can surprise you properly without you catching me."

He nudged her ribs with his elbow as he shuffled closer to her. She caught onto the ends of his scent as he leaned down and placed his head on her shoulder. She let herself collapse into his gentle touch.

"You surprise me all the time, Tris." She looked down the same time he tilted his head up to look at her, "You surprise me with how loving and compassionate, _and_ warm _and_ friendly you are to people regardless of how they treat you. Tris, you surprise me how you can be the most beautiful girl to ever walk this earth and still be the most humble. You really are incredible," he whispered into her ear before letting his finger trail down her cheek and dip into the crook of her neck. He brushed his finger over her shoulder, moving the tiny strap aside so he could place a soft kiss there. "You surprise me every day by how amazing you are. You take my breath away every day."

She held her breath, not knowing how to even reply to that. She finally let her breath out when he took his lips off her skin. Her ability to think while he had his lips, or even his hands, on her was impossible.

"You're pretty incredible too." She whispered back.

He shifted so that he was in front of her, and with each word he spoke, the further he leaned in, pushing her back further until she was laying on the ground with him hovering over her. "I love you so much it hurts me."

"I love you too, Tobias." She murmured as he captured her lips into a sweet kiss.

She let her hands roam over his T-shirt, running her fingers along his back, tracing each delicate line and curve there. Her fingers came to a stop at the two spikes that jutted out from his shirt. She had seen the once before, when they were naked in bed, but she hadn't particularly been paying attention. Ever since she saw them sticking out from his shirt the first day, she had wanted to ask him what they were about. So when his lips left hers, and silence consumed them, she took the chance to ask him.

"Can I ask you something?" She could barely make out her own words because of the fine work he was doing with his lips. He had resigned to leaving sweet kisses up and down her neck, and it made it almost impossible for her to think.

He hummed, though it sounded more like a low noise vibrating from the back of his neck, but she took it anyway.

"Can I see your tattoos?" She felt him freeze, and immediately she regretted her words, "I mean you don't have to if you don't want to. I just—I thought maybe—" She was paused mid way through her stuttering when he placed a finger on her lips, effectively shushing her.

"I want to show you," He said in a small voice as he lifted his face from her neck. She swallowed and nodded.

He peeled himself from her grasp, and stood up. In that moment of separation, she was very tempted to ask him to stop and come back, but she stayed quiet and waited. She was the one who had asked, and he was willing, so she had to be at least patient. He lifted his eyes to hers, his teeth tugging on the corner of his lips, before he slid the shirt from his shoulders and turned around.

There was more ink than skin. A patch of flames covered his entire right side, and there are strange symbols along his back. Five of them, she counted. She lifted herself up from the ground, before treading over to where he stood. She heard him suck in a breath when she placed her fingers on his back, following the lines for each symbol.

"What do they mean?" She asked quietly, suddenly feeling the need to whisper as if it was something only he could share with her.

He hesitated. "They all stand for different values… different morals I want to live by. I want to believe that I am capable of every human emotion, and that I can strive to be a decent human." She nodded as he spoke, "I want to be brave, that's the ring of flames, and selfless, the two hands. But I also want to be smart, honest, and kind." He cleared his throat, glancing over his shoulder at her. "I guess I'm still struggling with that one."

"You are already kind, Tobias." She reached around and wrapped her arms around his torso. "You're kind with me. Look how gentle and tender you are; you love and appreciate me more than I do myself... You are kind, Tobias. _You are every one of those things_."

He spun around abruptly, catching her off guard. They stood, face-to-face, eyes unwavering and their breaths hot and sticky against the other's skin. His eyes flickered briefly to her lips before he bent down to kiss her again. Like normal, she melted into it, her body falling perfectly into his, as she let his touch exhaust her completely. She didn't need to think of anything other than how good this felt. But there was something strange about this particular kiss, something different… something _stronger_—like they had just forged an unbreakable bond.

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**A/N: **_I haven't forgotten about you guys! It's just hectic exam timetable… but nonetheless, it is here! I wonder what Tobias and Tris is going to do with all their spare time, considering all the time they have on their hands now (farm work done, parents gone, and Caleb over at Cara's)… hmm… I think there's something special in store for the next chapter. ;) _

_I hope you all enjoyed this chapter, and please leave me your thoughts down below. See you next time :)_


	14. Chapter 14

**WARNING: There will be mature scenes in this chapter (smut), so please do not read if you're not supposed to. You should be able to judge whether this is appropriate for you or not. Thanks.**

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**THE ART OF LOSING YOURSELF**

Chapter 14 — TOBIAS

He knew Tris would be where he had left her—at home in pyjamas and sipping on hot coffee whilst curled up on her bed reading. Since she had told him that her parents would not be home for the whole weekend, he couldn't wait to do something special for her. He had taken her out into town several times, and they had their sweet moments around the farm but none would compare to this one he was planning.

He bundled the quilts and blankets into his arm and strode over to his car. He had placed the items on the back porch earlier this afternoon, after he had made Tris promise not to leave her room, but just in case, he had deliberately pulled his car on the other side of the house if Tris got any sneaky ideas, such as looking out her window. He dropped the blankets into the back of the car, before walking back to the porch to fetch the pillows. He had used whatever blankets and pillows he had at his resource, which were whatever items he found strewn around the house.

It took some doing to get the truck ready, but once it was, he wrapped the over the back to make sure it was all hidden. When he was satisfied that nothing would fall out of place, he snuck back inside, tucking some matches and candles under his arm. Once those too were safety stowed away into the back, he made his way back to the house, but not to Tris' room. He had overestimated the amount of time he needed to prepare, so now he would have to wait out the rest of the hour by himself.

…

By the time eight o'clock had rolled around, Tobias was basically about to die from nerves. He wanted everything to be perfect. He wanted this to be a night she would remember forever. It was a few minutes past eight when she emerged from the staircase. Hunger flashed across his face, and he was across the floor and waiting by the bottom of the stairs in a heartbeat. He extended out his hand, but his eyes never left hers.

She placed her hand into the palm of his delicately, like a drop of water landing on a petal. "Do I look okay?" She asked softly. "Do I need to be fancier? More casual?"

A genuine smile spread across his lips, "No." He whispered into her ear, "You look perfect."

She slapped his arm playfully, denying his words but he would see the blush that crept onto her cheeks. He made a mental note to say that more often. When he tilted his head and looked at her again, she giggle flashed him a grin, turning quickly on her heels, "So where are we going?"

He leaned in to place a small kiss on the tip of her nose, "You'll see."

He heard her groan while he led her out to the car, and he couldn't help but laugh at it. He felt her shiver when the breeze flew by, and he immediately regretted not bringing along a sweater for her, but knowing he had quilts at the back of his car took his mind off the subject. He grasped her hand, only letting go to open the door for her before returning to the driver's side and jumping in himself. Instead of taking her hand again, he pressed his hand on her thigh, whilst she ran circles on it as he pulled out of the driveway.

"So…" she began, "are you really not going to tell me where you're taking me?"

He grinned at her, "No, it's a surprise."

He felt her hand wrap around his, and he gave her leg a squeeze. "I can't remember the last time I've felt so nervous." Her throat bobbed, "It's like I was living today in a blur. I mean, I don't even remember half of the stuff I did. It was like all I was doing was filling in time while I waited for this."

A smile grew on his lips. Tobias didn't need words to say that he felt the same because he knew she understood perfectly. He pressed his palm into her flesh harder, needing to feel the heat of her legs. Trying to ignore the throbbing in his jeans, he made a sharp turn. They were deeper in the trees now. The canopy of branches hid the stars and the moon, and the night was swallowed in darkness.

"Are you tired?" He asked when Tris began to close her eyes.

She shook her head, "Just enjoying the present. Being here in the car with you."

He made one more turn into the clearing. "Well, open your eyes now. There's something I want you to see."

He pulled the car into a slow stop, reversing before parking backwards. They sat breathless in the car; Tris admiring the view, and Tobias admiring her. They were perched upon a hill that overlooked a meadow and a river. The sky stretched above them with a million stars and before them, moonlight gleamed onto the beautiful expanse of blue water. He heard her catch her breath.

"It's beautiful," she said as she leaned forward to take in more of the scenery.

He found himself staring at her, noting every little change in her face as her mouth dropped in wonder. Watching her for the whole night seemed just as tempting as what he had in mind.

He shook his head, needing to clear his mind for a moment, "Do you want to see it up close?"

He didn't wait for her answer before jumping out of his side and circling around to open her door. He laced their fingers together as he helped her down. He pulled her in close, and they stood against the car, drinking in the beauty of the night. She was tucked into his body with his arm draped over her shoulders lazily. She was so close that each time he inhaled, the scent of daisies would fill his nose. He noticed the way her body would fit perfectly into his, like it was built for him, so it pained him to let go.

"Wait here." He touched her nose. "And don't turn around."

He waited for her to nod before scrambling to the back of the truck, pulling the tarp off and tossing it aside. He lowered the tailgate and climbed into the truck bed, pulling out the candles and matches. Carefully, he lit each one and placed them around the edge of the truck. One last look had him satisfied, and he jumped back off and walked towards Tris.

"You can turn around now." He didn't miss the slight jump or the shiver that ran down her spine when he laced his fingers through his.

She smiled and followed him without asking anything. He knew without a doubt then that she trusted him with her whole heart, and the feeling was incredible. Like that newfound knowledge had sparked a fire inside him, and the warmth began to spread through his arteries.

She gasped when she saw the truck bed, piled in quilts and pillows, with the candles giving off a soft glow. Her mouth dropped and her hand went to her heart.

"Tobias… This is… it's beautiful. It's perfect." She turned to look up at him, her eyes shining. "Was this what you were doing all afternoon."

He rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly, turning slightly so she wouldn't see the full-blown crimson on his cheeks. "Not all afternoon… but yes." He let his hands fall to her waist, "Here, let me help you up."

He found her lying on her side, watching him as he climbed into the bed. Her eyes were shimmering and there was this glow about her. He licked his lips and swallowed, drinking in the sight of her like that before crawling over to her.

"I can't believe you did all of this for me." She murmured, letting her voice catch the breeze.

He leaned over, brushing a stray strand of hair behind her ear. "I did it because I want to show you how amazing you are. You make me feel so special each day. I go to work, wake up and fall asleep knowing there's a beautiful girl thinking about me—and loving me. It's this indescribable feeling. Tris, you make me feel so alive." He tipped in a little further, placing his palms on either side of her face. He dropped his head, closing the gap between their mouths. "I want to show you what it's like to have that sort of love consume you. I want to show you how amazing you make me feel."

A tear escaped her eye, and he frowned. "Why are you crying?"

She swatted away the tear with the back of the hand, and laughed. "Because you never cease to amaze me. Tobias Eaton, I love you."

He shifted so that she was beneath him fully and he was hovering over her. His eyes flickered between her eyes and her lips, where she was pulling them between her teeth. He groaned. She had to be teasing him when she did that.

"I love you so much, Tris Prior." He muttered lovingly before he smashed his mouth on hers, desperate to fill the craving he had for her.

He let his lips stroke over her mouth, teasing and tempting. Her hands snaked around his neck, pulling him in closer to deepen the kiss. He ran a finger down her side, bringing the fabric with his finger as he traced back upwards. He fisted his hand into the bunch of material as she arched her back, pushing her centre into his.

Tris slipped her hands beneath his shirt, tracing the muscles on his back, before edging the material upwards so he could tug it over his head. She ran her hands up his ribs, brushing her palms over each line. He could feel his cock throbbing, and he bucked against her, desperate for some relief. Finding none, he needed to distract himself. He needed to take his mind off what was happening down there so he could focus on right now. He tugged on her bottom lip softly, needing to taste every part of her, and she bit back a moan. Taking this opportunity, his mouth trailed down her neck, stopping at the pulsing vein near the base of her throat to place a gentle kiss there.

"God, Tris. You taste heavenly." He lowered his head once more to shower her neck and shoulder with kisses.

"Don't stop," she whispered greedily, her breathing thick and heavy, and her voice laced with lust and desire.

Tobias gave her shirt one more rough tug, and on cue, Tris arched her back off the quilts so he could rid her of her top. When her shirt was discarded somewhere far away, she let her arms fall back to her side. Tobias could feel his heart pounding in his chest and he almost swallowed his tongue when he saw what bra she was wearing. It was black lace, plunging low, and the pale pink peaks of her nipples pushed against the material. He lowered his mouth to catch one between his teeth, sucking gently and being careful not to bite down too hard.

She let out a raspy moan, and it urged him to continue. Balancing on one arm, he used his now-free hand to cover her other breast, palming it and feathering my thumb over her nipple. Tris writhed beneath him, grinding her core into his.

Tobias quickly reached around her back, springing her breasts from their moulds. He took a second to admire them before covering the rosy peak with his mouth, sucking and pressing it to the roof of his mouth. Her hands clawed at his back, her nails scraping their way down as she moaned his name.

"What do you want, Tris?" He asked despite already knowing the answer. He knew because it was the same thing he needed, but he had to hear her say it.

"I want more. I want you. I need you inside me."

That was all the incentive he needed, and he crushed his lips back onto hers, locking his mouth onto hers. His fingers found their way to her jeans and they began tugging at the waistband. He felt her body shiver from his touch, and it urged him to move faster. He unbuttoned them with a swift flick of his hand and had them thrown out of the truck in no time.

When his eyes returned to her, he almost swallowed his tongue. "Oh my god, Tris. Are you trying to give me a heart attack?"

He leaned back over her, hands dipping down to the tiny piece of lace between her legs. Letting one fingertip trail over the panties, he stroked her gently, adding just enough pressure to feel the hard nub of nerves beneath.

When he felt her squirm under his touch, he hooked his fingers onto either side and slide them down her legs and over her feet. He parted her with his fingers, slow and tender, running his fingers across her entrance.

She let out a moan and rocked her hips. He chuckled, and traced his two fingers back to the sensitive bud. He could tell she was so close by the way her breathing was becoming raspy and her movements jerky.

When she collapsed onto the quilts with a heave of breath, he kissed down to her feet and then back up, letting his lips cover every bit of the silken skin on her legs as he moved. She hummed a little, and when he reached her face again, she opened her eyes enough to offer him a lazy smile.

"Hi." She reached out to draw him closer and kiss him, this time with sensual slowness.

"Hi." He ran my hands over her breasts again, loving the feeling of their weight and fullness in his hands. "You're incredible, did you know that?"

"I know you make me feel incredible." She laced her hands together behind his neck.

She kissed him again, pulling him tighter to her as her tongue tangled with his. Her fingers danced over his chest again, trailed down his stomach and skated beneath his jeans. She made haste in undoing the button and throwing them off his legs, along with his boxers.

His eyes rolled to the back of his head when her small palm closed over his throbbing length. He sucked in a breath when she fell to her knees, her hair falling in a silken curtain around her, and took him in her mouth. Her hands were on him, stroking and pumping the length that couldn't fit in her mouth or pausing once in a while to circle the head with her thumb. A moan escaped his lips as her mouth slid up and down is shaft. He could feel himself begin to slip away, and he needed to remedy the situation fast.

"I need to be inside you now." His coarse voice broke the silence of the night. He felt her freeze, and he shifted so that his pelvis shied away from her. "Do you trust me?" He asked, his eyes lifting to meet hers.

She bit down on her lips and nodded. "I trust you with my whole heart."

With that, he leaned over to grab the condom and unwrap it. He was halfway through tearing it when her fingers stopped him in her tracks.

Her eyes met his briefly before she murmured into his ear, "I want to do it."

Tobias gulped as he released the tiny packet into her hands. All of his senses were overwhelmed: the scent of daisies wafting from her skin, the feel of her legs alongside his and her weight on his thighs, and the taste of her still on his lips. When he felt her slide the condom down his pulsating shaft, he almost lost control. He let his eyes wander over her soft skin, before letting it settle on her eyes.

She raised herself over him, positioning his shaft at her entrance. He watched her with an intensity capable of burning holes through walls. When her eyes met his, he let the words rush from his mouth. "I love you, Tris."

"I love you more." She whispered before sinking down, taking him in completely.

Everything after that was in some kind of lust glazed blur. It was frantic; he held her hips up while he thrust upwards and she met him by tilting and rocking her pelvis. Her mouth was slightly opened, her eyes closed, as she threw back her head and touched her own breasts, finding the perfect rhythm that made them both moan.

"Oh, God, Tris—I'm going to come—" Tobias didn't recognise his own voice, hoarse with desire and strain.

"God, yes." She arched her body, and he felt her pulsing around him. It pushed him over the edge into madness, an insanity where he shouted her name again and again as all the stars in the sky fell over the both of them.

Tris collapsed onto him, both of them slick with sweat and breathing hard. Tobias managed enough energy to lift his hand and stroke down her back. She murmured something against his chest, but he wasn't sure what it was. It didn't matter, because there wasn't enough blood running through his brain to make sense of anything, and the pounding of his own heart drowned out the rest of the world.

...

Dawn was painting the sky when they finally climbed back into the cab of the truck. She had helped him fold up the quilts and pile them along with the pillows under the tarp. The candles had long since died, but they bundled them and placed it in the corner anyway.

Tobias took a moment to observe her quietly when they were back in their seats, seatbelt done up. Tris laid her head back, closing her eyes whilst fighting back a huge yawn.

"God, what time is it?" They had dozed a little throughout the night, and it was a given that they would be wrecked with sleepiness for the whole day.

"I think about four. You can catch a few hours when we get home before your parents come home." He rubbed his thumb across her thigh.

"What about you?" Tris opened her eyes and asked.

He shrugged. "Don't worry about me. I'll be fine." He answered with a squeeze of his hand.

The farm was silent as they pulled up in the driveway. Although there was no need, they had gotten into the habit of doing everything silently. So they closed their doors quietly and snuck in through the kitchen door.

With one last goodbye, Tobias turned to go to his room to catch a few hours rest before heading out to the fields again, only to have Tris catch his arm.

"I think you forgot one last thing." She said. He closed the distance, wrapping his arms around her waist and pulling her in closer.

He raised his eyebrows, "Oh? What's that?"

She closed the distance and covered his lips with his own. "One last kiss." She said and he smiled through the kiss. The night had been perfect from start to finish, and he relished each second spent with Tris by his side. If only what was to come could go just as smoothly...

"... WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?"

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**A/N: **_So... Yeah that just happened. Anyway, leave me your thoughts on this chapter. (Hope it was steamy enough for you...) See you next time! :)_


	15. Chapter 15

**THE ART OF LOSING YOURSELF**

Chapter 15 — TRIS

"What the fuck is this?"

In that one second, her whole world shattered around her.

She felt Tobias spring apart from her, and she turned around to catch the sight of a very angry Caleb storming towards them. She froze; she had not prepared herself for this situation. Truthfully, she did not even stop to think that this would even be in the realm of possibility—she had been too swept away in the whirlwind that was Tobias. Sure, she had thought about how bad it would be to get caught, but never thought that it would actually happen.

When she tuned her mind back to the very disastrous scenario laid in front of her, she gulped hard. Caleb was making haste in his steps, and he was almost in arms reach of them. She opened her mouth to yell, or to move, but it seemed like all she could do was stand there helpless, powerless. What happened next seemed to be playing in slow motion. She saw the swing of his arm, but when she willed her mouth to move it couldn't. She didn't break from her trance until she heard of the crack of bone meeting bone. Tobias stumbled backwards, raising his arms in defence, whilst Caleb recoiled a few steps back, nursing his throbbing fist. It was then that she suddenly found her voice, and it seemed to be louder than it had ever been in her life.

"What are you doing!" She screeched, as she fell onto her knees beside Tobias.

She shot a glare at Caleb, hoping to elicit some sort of sympathy, only she saw nothing but anger and fueled rage. "What am I doing?" He asked, eyes wide incredulous, "What are _you_ doing with _him_?"

The way Caleb said the words made her wince. He said it with so much venom and spite it was hard to believe it was the same brother who had raised her, who had grown up beside her. What she saw in his eyes did not belong to the ones she had known when they were younger.

She flung her hands up in the air and groaned, "Ugh!" She racked her eyes over Tobias' jaw, letting them settle briefly on the redness spreading across his jaw. "What is wrong with you?" She managed through bared teeth.

She promptly rose to her feet, spinning on them before stalking over to the freezer to fetch a bag of frozen peas and a cloth. She didn't waste time in retrieving them, at this point in time; she didn't know whether she could trust Caleb alone with Tobias. When she turned her eyes back to them, it seemed no one had moved.

With a short sigh of relief, she wrapped the cloth around the frozen bag and pressed it to Tobias' jaw. She felt his eyes on her but she didn't pay him anymore attention. Her eyes were trained on her brother.

"You had no right to do that." She couldn't mask the disdain in her voice.

"I had no right?" He shook his head, "I'm your brother, _Beatrice_." She flinched at her full name. He never called her that unless he was serious. "Or have you forgotten that?"

"I have no forgotten," she spat back bitterly, "but it seems you have. I am pretty sure I have no seen any brothers that have acted the way you just did."

His eyes widened more, if that was even possible. "Are you kidding me?"

She opened her mouth to protest again, but Tobias' firm hand on her arm slowed her thought process. Slowly, she shifted around so that she faced him.

"It's okay." He tried to soothe her, but it did little to ease her fiery heart. "He's looking out for you—"

She held up her hand to stop him, "No, it's not okay, Tobias. What he did was not okay. None of this is okay."

Her eyes flickered back to him, and one hard stare told him to not utter another word. She rose to her feet, huffing an agitated breath, and she strode over to where her brother stood. She grabbed his arm roughly, pulling him into the kitchen, not feeling the least bit guilty for clenching too hard. She glanced over her shoulder once more to make sure Tobias had stayed put. He had seated himself at the dining table, but he didn't seem like he was leaving.

They were barely in the kitchen before she spun hot on her heels, pointing a finger at Caleb. "You don't get to dictate who I see." She said through clenched teeth, "No one does."

He frowned upon her as if she had just repeated Satan's words. "I do if the person you are seeing is wrong for you."

She shook her head with disgust, "You barely know him."

"I know enough." Caleb answered calmly, "I've heard what they say in the fields. The things they say out there aren't pretty, Beatrice. He's a womanizer; he _uses _people, like he will use you. He will use you and when he is tired of you, he will throw you away."

"How quick you are to judge!" Her voice was getting gradually louder, "It was only a month ago when you began seeing Cara." His face paled and he took a step backwards, "Don't think we don't know what you've been doing over there, we _all _do. But have we said anything? Have _I _done anything to stop you?" She took a deep breath inwards, "You claim to be an honest man, Caleb, but I see nothing but dishonesty and lies from you. At least with Tobias I know where I stand. At least with him I get the whole truth."

He threw his hands in the air and yelled, "He's a criminal Beatrice!"

She held her ground. "I don't care." She enunciated each word.

Caleb groaned and pulled at his hair, taking a step closer to her, "Beatrice, you're not hearing me! He has a criminal record, but I'm going to bet that he hadn't even mentioned that." He paused long enough for his words to hit her. "Is that what you want? Is he the type of person you want to be with?"

"Yes." She said, and it was possibly the surest she had ever been in her life, "That may have been his past, but that is not him now. His past indiscretions don't make him the person he is now. If you would only give him a chance, you would see that he is not this person you portray him to be. He's honest, kind, and he's been there for me more times than I can count. That's more than I can say for you." She looked him hard in the eyes, "He loves me, and I love him."

He snorted, "What do you know of love!" He shook his head derisively, "You are twenty two. You've barely experienced the world. How can you claim to be in love? And with a man you've known for two months. If you think you love him, you really are naïve, Tris."

Whatever calm she had left flew out the window. "Naïve?" She yelled, "You are the same age as me, Caleb. You don't get to lecture me about love." Her mouth fell, and her eyes drooped, "What happened with Cara, Caleb? You were sick in love yesterday, so what has happened between now and then that has filled you with so much hatred?"

He crossed his arms across his chest and looked away, "Nothing happened." He answered quickly.

"Then tell me why you object so much! It can't because you are protective. You never seemed to give an ass about the last guy I dated—even when he was an abusive boyfriend and a horrible person." She felt him flinch at that. She knew it was a low blow but she didn't care. "You have never cared about me. So why start now?"

"I do care," he whispered, "I care about you Beatrice. You're my sister, of course I care about you."

"Do you really? Because all I can remember is the brother that ran off after any girl who would even glance his way." She took a deep breath inwards, "I'm not talking about Cara this time. Do you want to know why I left? I left this town because of what _you _did. Do you remember that night I graduated and you took me to that bar in town?" He nodded, "Then I'm guessing that you remember running off after a girl you barely knew, leaving me stranded with all these men I didn't know."

She felt Caleb still. "Did they—Tris, they didn't—"

She shook her head, "They didn't. They almost did. I barely got out of there, and that was only because of Zeke. He found me there, drugged and lost. When I was finally feeling somewhat clearer minded, he took me home. I had to beg him to promise that no one would ever know what happened, that he would not utter a single word about what he saw. I was so ashamed. But do you know what? It's not me who should be ashamed. It is _you_. _You_ were the one who left his eighteen-year-old sister at a bar filled with older men. _You_ were the one who deserted me, and left me to the mercy of those disgusting people. _You _were the reason I left. You should feel disgusted with yourself."

The whole room grew stale, and Caleb stilled in his tracks.

"Tris… I didn't know." His voice was small, and even though he sounded guilty, Tris no longer cared.

She glared at him hard. "I'm leaving. Do not come after me. When mother and father come back, you can tell them that you're the reason why I left."

She made her way back to the dining room, and Tobias immediately jumped to his feet when he saw her approach. She didn't stop for him. She strode all the way out the back door and around the side of the house where she knew they would be protected from Caleb's eyes. She felt Tobias hot on her trail, following her out the back, and when she finally stopped, he slowed beside her. For a moment, they stood in silence and it almost looked like he wanted to say something, only he didn't. Instead, he drew her in for a hug. It felt so good to just be in his arms. If it was comfort she craved, then why did she feel like it was suffocating her?

Her throat was closing up, and her body was screaming for oxygen. She gasped for breath, clawing for any inch of control she had left. She felt her vision blur. Only it wasn't from the lack of air, it was from the tears that escaped her eyes—the tears that had so unfairly sprung on her.

"Oh god. I'm—I'm so sorry," Tris managed to say between the hiccups that clogged her throat, "I didn't mean for him to punch you. Oh my god—oh my god—oh my god. Shit, I'm so sorry, Tobias."

He pressed a finger to her lips, silencing her. "It's not your fault." He used his free hand to trail fingers down her back, "You have nothing to be sorry for."

She nodded slowly, letting his hands ease the tension from her shoulders. "What are we going to do now?"

"We're not going to do anything. I'm going to go, and you're going to stay right here. Tris, this is your brother, your family. You can't just walk away from him." She opened her mouth but quickly closed it, "I won't be the reason why you two have a fallout."

"Tobias, no—"

He shook his head, "This is where you belong, Tris."

The tears that were leaking didn't want to stop anymore. "I belong wherever you are." She clung onto him, desperately shaking her head, "I know what you're going to say. Please don't." She begged, "I don't know what I will do without you."

"Tris..." He began uncertainly.

She clutched onto his shirt tighter, "Don't do this, Tobias. I can't—I can't spend the rest of my life without you..." Her tears fell and stained his shirt. "We had the most magical night and you're going to tell me that it meant nothing?"

"No! Of course not!" He said rashly, "It meant the world to me."

"Then don't do it." She pleaded. "Don't do this to me. Don't leave me... I can't bear to be alone anymore."

"You have your whole life ahead of you, Tris. I see a bright future for you." He gave her a small smile but it only made her stomach drop even more. "I just can't be in it... We all knew where this was going at the end of summer... This wasn't meant to last. Tris, we both knew what we were getting into. One summer of fun... that was it, remember? And even though it grew to be more than that for me, my word still stands."

He tried to pull away, but she still didn't ease her grip. She squeezed her eyes shut and clung onto him as tight as she could, afraid that if she let go or if she peeked, he would no longer be there.

"I won't let you go." She whispered into his chest.

"You won't have to, Tris… because I'm the one letting go." He unwrapped her fingers and pulled away.

"Wait, wait, wait!" Tris cried out, trying to claw her way to Tobias, but he seemed to be getting further from her with each step she took. "Don't do this. Tobias… Please... Please stay."

_... Only he was already gone._


	16. Chapter 16

**THE ART OF LOSING YOURSELF**

Chapter 16 — TOBIAS

He hated how Tris had looked at him, like he had ripped out her heart. Perhaps he had, but in doing so, he had also torn out his own. It was like he was living in an open grave—where he was able to breathe, eat, but he couldn't _live_. His whole world had come to a stand still, and he couldn't move. He was paralysed. His days and nights were plagued by that night, and that look of utter betrayal. He brought the bottle to his lips, taking a huge gulp and letting a newfound sense of calm wash over him. He slowly pulled the bottle away, but let the drop of alcohol linger on his lips for a few seconds before licking it away.

"What's wrong with you, man?" It was Zeke who interrupted his thoughts.

Tobias shrugged, feigning ignorance. "I don't know what you mean."

Zeke simply shook his head in disapproval before planting himself beside Tobias on the couch on the porch. "You do know, Tobias, but I think you just don't want to admit it to yourself."

Tobias shook his head, still in denial. "Sorry Zeke, but I still don't know what you mean."

"Cut the bullshit, Tobias. We both know what this is about." Tobias raised his eyebrow, waiting. "It's Tris. I don't know what happened between you two but I know that everything is certainly not fine. You may not have said anything but you didn't need to. I don't need eyes to notice the tension in the air on the farm." Zeke sighed, leaning over to grab the bottle from Tobias' hands and taking a gulp of his own. "Tobias, whatever is going on between you and Tris, I know for a fact that it isn't as bad as you think. Why don't you just talk to her?"

Tobias groaned. "Because it's not that simple."

Zeke offered a small smile, but it did little to comfort Tobias. "I'm sure it'll be less complicated when you talk about it. It doesn't help to bottle everything up inside."

"I can't, Zeke!" Tobias cried, before covering his face with his hands "I can't tell you..."

Zeke frowned. He clearly didn't understand. "Why can't you?"

"Because if I talk about it, I would finally have to admit out loud what I did was wrong, that I fucked up the best thing in my life." Tobias looked away. He knew his friend was staring at him now, looking for answers to the multiple questions he had just raised but he couldn't… not until he had more liquor in his body. He bent over his knees to grab another bottle from the cooler beside his fridge. He snapped the top open and guzzled half of the bottle down before finally continuing. "I could see it in her eyes… they were so beautiful… yet so haunting…"

With that beer in his hand finished and his head buzzing, he figured he was drunk enough to finally tell Zeke what happened between them and what had been said that night, though he was sober enough to deliberately leave out the more intimate details of their night under the stars. Tobias paused often to sip—or more accurately, down a whole beer in one go before reaching for another—but still Zeke stayed, patiently listening. He only offered one worded answers but Tobias knew he was still processing. One of the many qualities he appreciated in Zeke was his ability to not sneer or look upon him with disgust, like he knew so many would in this circumstance. Instead, his friend stayed by his side, listening and reciprocating. Taking Zeke's silence as an urge to go on, Tobias continued for recount the rest of the night night, including the fallout between Caleb and Tris, but he stopped before he could spill what happened next. He didn't want to admit to his friend that he was a coward, and how he had ran from her but barely made it to his car before he collapsed. He didn't want to tell Zeke how he had looked into Tris' eyes and saw everything; how he had seen the emptiness in her eyes and realised that he, alone, was responsible for all her pain.

"That must've been rough." Zeke said after a few beats.

"… Tell me about it." Tobias muttered under his breath.

Zeke brought the beer bottle to his lips before guzzling a lot of it down. "How did she take it?"

Tobias snorted. "How do you think?" He turned to look his friend, gripping the empty beer bottle in his hands. "You should've seen her eyes. They were so sad, so glum. It was so bad I could've actually sworn I saw her soul dim a little—like a spark of darkness amongst her light. She was sobbing and begging me to go... and it hurt. It fucking hurt."

"... Then why did you do it?" Zeke started cautiously, "Why did you end things with her if it pained you so much?"

Tobias sighed, "I don't know. I think there's always been some part of me inside nagging, yelling that I would never be good enough for her. I tried to push it away because I wanted her... I wanted her so bad it hurt me so much to be away. I'm not a nice person, Zeke. I'm angered, I'm so full of spite, but most of all, I'm selfish. From the moment I saw her, I wanted her... So I took her. I craved more and more each day until the thought of not seeing her, or talking to her, tore me to pieces. At the end of the day, none of that matters. It was selfish of me to keep her all to myself... It was selfish of me to hold her back... It was selfish of me to not think of the consequences... I could lie and say I got too caught up in the moment but that's not true. I'm just a selfish person."

Zeke puffed loudly. "Tobias, you're not a selfish person. You loved her, you told me yourself. So how could you possibly selfish by giving up your heart. If anything, I would say that's the opposite."

"Maybe..." He closed his eyes and took a deep breath in. "I guess it's not quite selfish but it was stupid of me to let things go on like this. I knew from the beginning that things were going to end badly—that she was going to get hurt, whether that was from her parents finding out, or when she moved back to Chicago, or what the hell," he threw his hands in the air and shook his head, "when I eventually get run out of the town because everyone knows I don't belong here. Point is, it was never going to end nicely for her... For either of us. I guess some could say it's karma. But in this case, karma's a real bitch."

Zee took a swig from his beer bottle, "You can't blame yourself for falling in love with her, and you certainly can't take the blame for how things went…"

Tobias stared down the neck of the bottle, peering into the frosted green glass. "I know. I just hate how I ended things with her. Like she deserved better... or at least a better goodbye."

"But it's not goodbye." Zeke cut in, "I know I said everything comes to an end, but this is not the end for the two of you. I've seen the way you look at each other. You're destined, Tobias. It's written in the stars. So I would rather die than let that be the last time you ever talk to her. Besides, what are you going to do? Avoid her around the farm for the next few months? The farm is big but it's not big enough to hide even you."

"I don't think I'm going back there... I can't face her." Tobias lowered his head and muttered. "I wouldn't even know what to say."

Zeke drew in a sharp breath before turning to glance at Tobias. "Start by saying you're sorry... You're sorry for walking out on her and for all the things you said. Say that you want to take it all back and at least try to make things work."

Tobias shook his head, "I couldn't possibly do that. She would know that it's not true. Hell, I don't even know if she'll hear me out in the first place, and even if she does, she certainly wouldn't believe a word I say. She wouldn't believe me because what I said that night was true. I won't be the person to come between her family—I won't be the reason that family tears itself to pieces, especially not a family that so graciously welcomed me into their home. I can't do that to them... I won't." he let out a shaky breath, "It's better this way. It's better if I don't return there at all."

"I don't believe that." Zeke whispered, lowering his voice to match Tobias'. "I think if two people love each other as much as I know you two do, then they should fight. Of course, there will be plenty of ups and downs but you just can't let go of a love that big without a fight. Because a love like that only comes around once in a lifetime and if you blink, you might miss it for good." Zeke placed his bottle on the small table in front of them, before standing up. "And I'm saying this because I know it'll break you when she eventually moves on. And I care about the both of you too much to see that happen."

Zeke began to walk to the door, and already, Tobias could feel the emptiness seeping out from his locked heart. Without company, and without Tris, he was lost. Like a leaf drifting in a large ocean, unable to find its way back to shore—back to home.

"Hey," Tobias called out just as Zeke opened the door to head inside, "thank you for taking me in. I didn't know where else to go—I didn't _have_ anywhere else to go."

Zeke offered a small smile, "Brother's have to stick together, right?"

Tobias nodded but didn't answer. He watched silently from his seat, unmoving, as Zeke slipped inside, leaving him vulnerable to the darkness.

The wind howled past him, and he shivered. It wasn't the chilly night, it was the thought of eternity alone—an eternity without Tris. It was daunting. He so desperately wanted to believe all Zeke had said, that he and Tris were destined, and that they would find a way to make things right... but right now, Tobias couldn't see past the pain, the loss, the heartache.

He bent down and reached for the only thing he knew would soothe his crumbling heart; alcohol.

* * *

**A/N: **_So that was so ridiculously short... This was all I had managed to write in the ... Almost three weeks I had gone. If you had checked up on my profile, you knew the reason, but that is no excuse. I was lazy and lacked inspiration. I haven't been able to write anything since the 5th and I was hoping (praying) I could, but it's been too long and I thought you at least deserved something. Thank you for waiting so patiently... And sorry again! (Daresay I hope that the next will be much longer and quicker...?)_


	17. Chapter 17

**THE ART OF LOSING YOURSELF**

Chapter 17 — TRIS

_I was lost. _

_I was wandering around a forest, unable to stumble my way out again._

_Without him, I was without cause. Without him I couldn't breathe; I couldn't think; I couldn't move. It was like I was struggling underwater, trying to climb upwards only to have the waves pull me down further. The air was escaping my lungs and as hard as I fought to keep whatever left was in me, it drifted further from my embrace. _

…

She sighed. Her eyelids were heavy with exhaustion but her mind ticked with no end. She dragged the blanket tighter around her chest, feeling the rise and fall as she exhaled with each breathy shake. She could feel him around her, even when he was long gone. She could feel his presence—it was so strong that she felt that it would destroy her. The void that had been opened since he left would drive her to the brink of insanity. There would be one cure… but it was one she could not reach.

Out of habit, or madness, or the need to shatter even the last piece of herself. Tris let her hands wander down her chest. Ever since he had turned and walked out of her life, the need to touch him was so overwhelming she couldn't move for days. Her fingers trailed her delicate collarbones as she fought to remember the fire he ignited when he peppered kisses there. Her fingers travelled outwards, gripping her biceps. She needed to remember what it was like to feel his arms around her; his strength holding her in a bubble of security.

She shook her head. "No," she whispered uneasily, talking to nothing but the emptiness of her room. She needed to forget… but oh, how much her body was begging to remember.

Her body rocketed with sobs. How was it that she could feel so torn up over a man? So conflicted about what was right and what was wrong. She just couldn't see an end to the war raging on inside her anymore.

She was so caught up in him that she had thrown herself, headfirst, into what she told herself she would never do again. She had forbidden herself to love a long time ago—banished the idea. She had promised that her heart would not belong to another, only purely to herself. She had sworn off love as a lie that stupid and naïve people had to believe in to find purpose in life, but she couldn't suppress what she was feeling inside anymore. She needed—no, _craved_—the weight of his skin on her own.

Tossing the blanket aside, stripping the warmth and comfort from her trembling legs, she let her hands wander further, until they sought out what they were after. She was desperate; she would never let loose this way, but he was driving her insane. She needed to remember his hands on her, cupping her as her eyes rolled backwards. He had marked her. He had claimed her… and now she would be forever his.

…

She wandered around the farm all day, never quite knowing what was around the corner. Some part of her wanted to believe that Tobias was there, but most just wanted to scold her for being so naïve. He wouldn't be there, and each time, he wasn't. She could feel it ripping into her heart a little but she chugged down that drowning feeling and focused on the fake smile she plastered on her lips. She wasn't sure she bought it, but other people did. So she forced herself to believe it also… believe that she was okay, and convince herself that she wasn't dying in his absence.

All were lies.

She made it through half of the day without anyone seeing her slip. It seemed her mask had been working, and she hadn't once been asked why she looked so exhausted. Truth be told, she was beyond exhausted. She was so tired that she could fall asleep and never awaken.

It made it easier that nobody was questioning Tobias' abrupt departure not even her parents, who had grown so fond of him. They had returned from their weekend trip five days ago, and it seemed her mother wanted to make up lost time by spending whatever spare minutes she had with Tris. They had chatted, caught up and by the sunset on the third day, they had worn out all subjects they could talk about. It was then that things returned back to normal, if you could call the gaping hole in your heart normal. Her mother returned to tending the stall filled to the brim with the fruits they harvested on the farm; her father was busy soiling himself into the earth, leaving behind traces of sweat and grind. Her brother had seemed to disappear for those days. He was always gone by the time she rose, and he would stay gone for the entire day. One quick question confirmed her suspicion—he was avoiding her by staying at Cara's.

It was petty of him. Yet, she was grateful.

She had no clue how to talk to him even if he were around. What would she say? 'Thank you for driving the only man I loved—_cared for_, she corrected herself—far from my life?' She shook her head. She couldn't be so blunt. She would hurt him.

Perhaps she would hurt him as much as he had hurt her, but it wasn't entirely his fault. It was Caleb alone who should bare the burden of straining her and Tobias'—rocky already to being with—relationship, but it was Tobias who had driven a wedge between them.

"Wedge." She tasted the word on her lips. It was foreign, strange, and sour. Shaking her head again, she realized wedge wasn't even a big enough word for what it was meant to represent.

Tobias had purposely cut her off. He had distanced himself. As she thought about this, it occurred to her that maybe it was for the best. She was damaged. Peter had ensured as much, but there was a glimmer inside her that expanded with hope—a part that she would get around to squashing as soon as she could. It tricked her into believing Tobias' was different; it lulled her into a false sense of security. She had been deceived by her own stupidly trusting nature.

She kicked her way back to the house, having gotten enough fresh air that would last her days. Spending so much time in the open allowed her to breathe but it also allowed her brain to think… to recollect memories of what had happened the night Tobias left. She could remember it all, reliving it in great detail each night. Tris shuddered. There were so many painful memories that she needed to forget, and the quicker she did so, the easier it would be for her to move on.

The wooden floorboards on the porch croaked under her weight and she froze. Her mind flashed back to the night she had found him there, hidden under the darkness. In all honesty, she should've known. He had always been dancing with the shadows.

_"Hi."_

_Her head snapped around as she squinted, eyes searching in the darkness. "Who's there?" She called. Her voice was loud but it shook._

_She watched as Tobias stood out of the shadow and under the light, but even so, she could only see half of his face. The other was hidden by darkness, protected by the shadows. _

_"It's just me."_

The wind blew by and she shivered, shaking herself out of the memory. However, just as she was torn out of one, she was thrust into another.

_"What are you doing out here?" She snapped._

_He hung his head low and muttered. "Do you want me to leave?" _

_She gave a tiny shake of her head, her lip quivering. "No." She whispered, clamping her eyes shut. "I don't want you to leave."_

By now, her breathing was ragged as her lungs burned for air she could not supply quick enough. She gasped, her throat stretching. She coughed, but she could barely make a sound. Her throat was dry, itchy and she clawed at it, desperately wanting to ease the suffocating pain.

She swallowed thickly. She should have said yes. If only she had said yes.

_"You deserve someone who will make you feel happy. Someone who will treat you like you are the world."_

_Her eyes were stuck on him as she leaned closer, a magnetic pull propelling her forward. She could feel her hot flesh pressed firm onto his. She looked up at him, her eyes big and bright. She couldn't see anything else; it was just the two of them against the world. She let her eyes flicker for one second down to his lips, and instinctively she licked her own, wanting nothing more than to claim his for her own. The air grew thick and sticky around him; the attraction now more undeniable than ever. Just one more inch, and she could've sealed the deal._

… as well as her fate.

Maybe Tobias was right in denying her. She was like a fifteen year old, fawning over the first guy she had ever spoken to. She was pathetic, a right weakling.

She stumbled into the house, her head suddenly clouded with memories she couldn't erase. They attacked her, throwing her back into the first night they connected… not the first time they ever spoke but the first time she fully understood him the way he did her. She fumbled her way to the couch, crashing into inanimate objects on the way. She fell onto the cushions in an ungraceful heap but there was no one else around to witness her unlady-like behaviour… not that she really cared anyway.

Sleep soon claimed her, but it was a restless one. One plagued with painful memories that shook her to the core.

…

When she woke, the sun had set, and everyone had gone to bed. She had missed out on both afternoon tea and dinner, and her stomach growled at her for it. She pushed back the hunger, and sought out the release her body truly wanted. In order to escape the memories from that night, she would have to go out there, onto the porch where they both sat, bodies flushed together in the breeze, and truly admit that he was gone… and wasn't coming back.

The door gave way without a sound this time, and she slipped easily into the night. The night was similar to that one. All felt the same: the breeze, the temperature, even the setting, but it lacked one thing. It lacked him; his soul-sucking presence. As much as she would've loved to loathe him for getting her guard down, for letting him under her skin, for letting him worm his way into her heart, she was the only one to blame.

She had made a promise a long time ago, and she had not kept it. Perhaps this was the universe's cruel way of punishing her—throwing fate into her face. Laughing at her as she scrambled to put her life back together.

She let out a huge exhale while she swung her legs over the railing. She closed her eyes and let the memories in. The only way to forget was to remember. She had to remember all the pain, but also all the good times they've had together, and then let it all go. Let it go like letting the water she was drowning in wash her away. For once, she was beginning to feel renewed, like a new person. The breeze carried with it not only her memories but also the pain. And soon, she was going to feel nothing at all for the man who once bore her whole heart.

"Tris."

Her eyes snapped open, furious for the intrusion on her detox. She was almost there… almost cleansed of him. When her mind clocked back into place and the voice registered in her brain, she leapt to her feet. She jumped at the sound of her name—the sound of her name leaving his lips.

She willed her feet to stay as they were. Her body burned for his touch but she willed her feet to stay as they were. She noted his features, and he looked the same—he looked like the man she loved—except he looked just as tired and worn out as she was. The dark circles beneath his eyes gave him away. She forced herself to look away, but even as she did, she could feel his eyes burning a hole into her.

"What are you doing here?" Her voice shook as she spoke.

"I…I," he fumbled for his words. She wanted to feel sympathy for him but she just couldn't. He was the man who had captured her heart and had stolen it as if it were his own.

"Spit it out." She urged; she had long since grown tired of rambling.

"I came back to see you." He admitted, his head hanging low in futile defeat.

But Tris was angry. "I don't see why." She kept her voice low but it stung with harshness. "I am having trouble coming up with a valid reason as to why because you relinquished your power over me the day you walked out."

"I didn't want power—" he swallowed back his words. "I didn't want to walk out on you, Tris. I thought it would be the best for everyone if I did so. I just couldn't see an end to the fight with your brother. At least if I left, you would both have a mutual enemy to hate."

Tris sighed, letting her rage simmer. "I didn't want someone to hate. I didn't want to hate _you_. I wanted you by my side—hell! I even loved you when I shouldn't. But I get it now. You don't like me the way I like you—you didn't really love me. And that's just another thing I now have to get over. I have to… I have to force myself to stop _wanting _you." She let out a weighty sigh and her eyes shifted to look at the wall.

"Tris," his voice wavered uneasily, "it's not that simple…"

She snorted. "I don't see how that could be. This isn't hard, Tobias. You know what you want, and you either want me or you don't. It _is_ as simple as that. And this." She pointed at the gap between them. "This right here shows me that you don't."

"Tris!" He bellowed, dragging his hands through his hair. She flinched at his loud tone. "I do like you!" He screamed, for once not caring how much attention he was attraction. Her head whipped back so she could look at him. "I want you more than you could ever know."

"No," she dropped her voice. "I don't think I'll ever know." She sniffed, digging her toes into the dirt beneath their feet. "With you, I don't think I'll ever know how you feel about me. One day, you're so loving, so compassionate and the next, you're walking out on me. It tears me apart. You break me a little more each time we talk because I never know if you'll be there the next day." She sighed, a little frustrated. "It scares me how much I want you. I don't want these feelings, but I do… And I'm scared." Her eyes lowered to the ground. "I'm scared of what I feel for you."

It was his turn to whisper. "You don't have to be..."

She shook her head, "You've given me no reason to believe that."

"Would it help you if I told you I loved you?" His eyes were wide open, hoping, but they were also guarded. Much like her own.

She gave a sad shake, "No, I don't think it would." She murmured, her voice barely audible over the howl of the wind.

His hopeful smile faltered, and instead he asked. "Then what would?"

She thought about it, long and hard, and at last she decided. "Nothing. Nothing would help ease my broken heart." She admitted. It was soft but she had declared it to the world and once spoken, she could not take it back.

He winced. "I'm sorry, Tris." His Adams apple bobbed in his throat. "I truly am."

She slowly lifted her eyes to meet his. She gave a tiny nod and whispered the truth. "... I know."

* * *

**A/N: **_I would like to give you all a valid reason as to why I had disappeared for a month but truth was, I got lazy. There's no excuse to that, so I'm sorry. But I am glad to say the break had done it's job, and I feel much refreshed and ready to tackle the second half of this story. So here's hoping to more better chapters in the future. Thank you to everyone who has been so patient with me. I really appreciate all the love and dedication from all you readers. :)_


	18. Chapter 18

**THE ART OF LOSING YOURSELF**

Chapter 18 — TOBIAS

His head was heavy, but it was his heart that was impossible to carry. He was stuck, in the middle of a deserted street in town where it was a ghost town on a Monday night, having drank too much earlier. It struck him that he was all alone in a town of two thousand people. It was tiny compared to his old town where there were well over twenty thousand people.

He stood in the middle of the intersection, feeling the chill shake his bones and his heart thumping in his chest. The alcohol had numbed several parts of his body; he couldn't feel his legs or his fingers, only the pain in his chest with every breath he took. He tried to swallow back the fire burning his throat but it hurt so much that he fell to the ground with a loud rip from his voice box. The rough surface scratched at the bare skin, but he could barely feel it. He could feel little else except for how much his heart ached. His mind began to drift and his eyelids slowly closed, encasing him a haze of illusion.

It wasn't long until she appeared before him.

"What are you thinking about?" Her voice broke through his mindless wandering and he immediately opened his eyes, a small smile washing over his face.

She hovered over him, a frown on her face and her eyes filled with worry and concern. He took a moment to look at her, observing the small curves on her body, appreciating the beauty of her angel like face.

He moved to sit up, brushing his crumpled shirt in delusional hopes that it was appear clean and neat. Sighing, he drowsily patted the spot beside him, offering her a place to sit. He watched as she sat herself beside him before answering her question.

"I'm just… thinking, I guess." He looked over his shoulder to see her response but when he heard nothing, he continued. "I'm thinking about how bad everything is now. I screwed everything up with… you," he paused, not able to speak her name without cracking, "You were the best thing that had ever happened to me and I pushed you away. I pushed you away because it was too hard to let you in knowing you would walk away when you found out the truth. I knew you would never look at me the same, and selfishly, I ran. I ran because I couldn't stand to watch you look at me with disgust. I wouldn't know how to breathe knowing that you hated me."

Her breath escaped her and the chill in the air caught it. "Oh Tobias, I could never hate you." She whispered with so much sincerity yet he couldn't bring himself to hear those words.

He glanced away, not responding to that. He didn't know how he could begin to explain to her how heavy he felt, ridden with guilt all these years. Instead, he swallowed any meaningful and useful reply and instead, said simply, "I wish that were true, Tris."

He didn't miss the cock of her head or the frown that formed between her eyebrows. She was confused but he couldn't offer any explanation that would satisfy her. Nothing he could say now would be of any help to her.

"I've had a great summer with you, Tobias, despite how short and brief it was." She said with a sad smile. "It was glorious, every moment of it. Everything about you consumed me until I couldn't breathe. I couldn't breathe until you came and raised me to the surface. It felt like I was drowning yet being set alight at the same time. Tobias, what you've given me is something so special I don't think I'll ever be able to love the same again." The sadness in her voice struck him full force and he swallowed back a sob.

He paused. He didn't want to ask the question that had been begging to be asked but it left his lips before he could stop it. "Do you regret it, Tris?" He spoke, but barely. His lips were trembling so much he could barely speak.

He saw her shake her head. "No matter how much you've hurt me, I don't regret it. I could never regret anything with you." Another shot to his heart.

He could feel the blood drain, pooling at his feet. He had came, he had stolen, and he had left, yet she still found away to forgive him. Perhaps she still loved him. He wanted to think that was true, but his heart didn't allow him. It refused to be hurt again.

"There are not enough words to explain how sorry I am, Tris. You have no idea." He whispered. "You don't know how much you've taken from me. I didn't even know until the moment I left your side. I can still feel it, this emptiness, this void in me that no amount of liquor can suppress. I feel broken, Tris, but what cuts me up more is the knowledge that I have hurt you in the process… and there can never be enough apologies for that."

"Then why did you do it?" Her voice shook when she spoke.

"I couldn't see an end… I couldn't see another way." He looked to her but she had turned her head away.

"There's always another way." She whispered. "There's always more than one solution. In our lives, there's going to be heaps of question and problems we probably thought we would never face, but there is always a way around it… a loophole, a backdoor exit, a flaw in the design, or whatever you want to call it. Life isn't going to throw you a problem without giving you an escape. That's the beauty of it, Tobias….

_… That is what makes love such a powerful force."_

His eyes slowly lifted open. His eyes were brimming with tears that with one blink came rushing down his cheeks. He tried to push himself up to his knees then onto his feet but his limbs felt too heavy and he came crashing down to the ground once more. The pain rippled upwards from his knees to his lip and a cry escaped his lips. Only the cry wasn't from the pain but from the anguish and guilt that threatened to rip him apart.

"What have I done?" He asked, but only the howl of the wind answered him.

…

He hadn't known how, but somehow in the midst of being in an alcohol-induced coma, he had been able to stumble home, which was where he woke several hours later. The pounding on the door was loud, and Tobias swore he felt the place shake. With a groan, he opened his eyes—although only managing to squint—and looked at the clock on the opposite wall. It read 10am. He hadn't been expecting company and neither had Zeke, but it was easy to speculate that it was rather urgent, as the knocking on the other side of the wall only grew louder and more desperate.

He pushed himself upwards knowing that he was alone in the house, as Zeke had left for work hours earlier. With several grunts and bumps along the hallway, he finally made it to the front door. Despite his mental state, he was able to answer the door, speaking coherently but slurring slightly in his enunciation. He rubbed his eyes, trying to adjust to the blinding light seeping through the open door. When they finally did, his hands immediately latched onto the first thing they could reach. His fist locked tightly on the edge of the door, knuckles turning white from straining too hard. He tried to breathe, as a way of releasing all the pent up anger he had holed up inside, instructing himself through numbers when to inhale and exhale.

"What are you doing here?" Tobias growled; his jaw firmly clenched.

Caleb shuffled his feet sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly. "I came here to apologize…. I—I realize it was uncalled for the things I said and I take it all back. I've seen the man you are when you're with Tris. You treat her right—better than any man I've known. What I said… the things I said about you… I'm sorry for. I didn't mean it… and I would take it all back if I could." He stuttered with his words, obviously nervous.

Tobias ground his feet into the wooden floorboards and spoke firmly. "You think you know what it's like for me but you don't, you can't until you've walked a mile in my shoes. You judge me on my past but you don't know the half of it. No one does…" The sternness in his voice faltered a little, "I know what I am and who I am, Caleb. I know of my past and of the things I have done to get where I am—most of which I am not proud of—but the one exception to that is your sister. I don't claim to be an honorable man but it's different with her… she makes me a better man, but I don't expect you to understand what that is like. You know nothing about me and the love I hold for your sister."

"I know now—" Caleb rushed to interject, but Tobias made him hold his tongue.

Tobias shook his head. "You think you know but you don't. You can't possibly understand because you have yet to find the love that consumes you." He took a deep breath in, "I know you think that by apologizing to me, it might rid you of the large chip on your shoulder, but it's not me you need to apologize to, it is Tris." For the first time since that very night, Tobias no longer saw him as a man to spite and hate, but as a sad human soul. "I only hope that in the future, if you find a love so strong that you don't let your hastiness in your judgment push her away. If there's anything to be said today, it's is that." He went to close the door but Caleb pushed back with enough strength to pry it back open.

"If you love her so much, why are you still here! Why are you still moping around in a dark hole rather than trying to win her back?" Caleb asked, and it was a valid question.

He looked past Caleb's shoulder, watching the breeze carry leaves in the wind. "I don't know," he whispered before giving Caleb a tight smile and closing the door this time.

He made his way over to the couch and slumped over the couch, letting the tension ease its way from his body. The pounding in his head was slowly beginning to dissipate and his mind was growing clearer. It suddenly dawned on him that he hadn't been doing what he had been preaching.

He wanted to give Tris everything. He wanted to give her the whole world. He prayed that each night he would be enough, but each morning he woke knowing she deserved more than he was able to give her. For a long time, he ignored it, and it _worked_. He tricked himself into thinking he was enough for her, that he would be an equal to her, but slowly it slipped, until he was finally confront with the truth—he would never be on the same level as her. She was pure; she was beautiful; she was kind and compassionate. He was not.

He had spent weeks placing the blame for their demise on everyone else but he had spent more battling the war within himself. He needed to wake up and realize that it wasn't the people around him that were the trouble to his woes, it was his own guilt and fear that had driven her away. But now, it was his time to confront it all.

An hour later, he found himself stumbling his way over to the Prior farm. His feet ached with pain, and for the first few miles he had cursed himself for wearing any shoes before leaving the house or even thinking of taking the car, and he had to squint to see the road before him, for the sun had set a few hours ago, but none of that mattered now. As the Prior letterbox came into view, he soon forgot about his complaints. His heart leapt with joy and he swallowed back the hope that threatened to spill over, but there would be no safeguards for his heart now. Once the house came into view he knew there would be no going back now.

He slowly made his way around the back of the house, the one place he knew he had the most chance of finding her at the hour of the night. When he rounded the corner, his breath caught in his throat. It was almost as if she had known he would be coming. She sat with her legs swung over the railing, her tiny delicate palms resting on either side of the lap supporting her. He made his way out from the shadows, calling her name softly as he stood into the light.

He saw her head spin around to face him. Her eyes locked onto his, like a predator on its prey ad suddenly he felt small, vulnerable. He took each step up onto the porch carefully, never leaving her eyes. She had jumped down from the railing and now stood with her back pressed firmly into the wood.

It was the first time he had seen her since that night and so much had changed. She wasn't the same girl he grew to love. Her demeanor had shifted and she looked visibly tired. He swallowed the lump in his throat, and gasp for air.

"What are you doing here?" She asked, her voice trembling.

"I…I," Tobias fumbled for his words. He didn't know where to begin.

"Spit it out." He flinched at the sourness in her voice.

He licked his lips and spoke again. "I came back to see you."

"I don't see why." She kept her voice low but it stung with harshness. "I am having trouble coming up with a valid reason as to why because you relinquished your power over me the day you walked out."

"I didn't want power—" he swallowed back his words. "I didn't want to walk out on you, Tris. I thought it would be the best for everyone if I did so. I just couldn't see an end to the fight with your brother. At least if I left, you would both have a mutual enemy to hate."

Tris let out a loud sigh. "I didn't want someone to hate. I didn't want to hate _you_. I wanted you by my side—hell! I even loved you when I shouldn't. But I get it now. You don't like me the way I like you—you didn't really love me. And that's just another thing I now have to get over. I have to… I have to force myself to stop _wanting _you."

Tobias fought the urge to reach out to her and pull her to his chest, cradling her. "Tris…" he began, "it's not that simple…"

"I don't see how that could be. This isn't hard, Tobias. You know what you want, and you either want me or you don't. It _is_ as simple as that. And this." She pointed at the gap between them. "This right here shows me that you don't."

"Tris!" Tobias cried out of frustration. "I do like you!" He screamed, for once not caring how much attention he was attraction. Her head whipped back so she could look at him. "I want you more than you could ever know."

"No," she dropped her voice. "I don't think I'll ever know." She sniffed, digging her toes into the dirt beneath their feet. "With you, I don't think I'll ever know how you feel about me. One day, you're so loving, so compassionate and the next, you're walking out on me. It tears me apart. You break a little more each time we talk because I never know if you'll be there the next day." She sighed, a little frustrated. "It scares me how much I want you. I don't want these feelings, but I do. I'm scared." Her eyes lowered to the ground. "I'm scared of what I feel for you."

It was his turn to whisper. "You don't have to be..."

She shook her head, "You've given me no reason to believe that."

"Would it help you if I told you I loved you?" His eyes were wide open, hoping, but they were also guarded. It pained him to see how much it mirrored hers; how much pain and agony she held in those blue orbs—and it shook him to know that he was the source of it all.

He saw her lip quiver a little. "No, I don't think it would." She murmured, her voice barely audible over the howl of the wind.

His hopeful smile faltered, and instead he asked. "Then what would?"

She thought about it, long and hard, and at last she decided. "Nothing. Nothing would help ease my broken heart." She admitted. It was soft but she had declared it to the world and once spoken, she could not take it back.

He winced. "I'm sorry, Tris." His Adams apple bobbed in his throat. "I truly am."

She slowly lifted her eyes to meet his. "I know," she whispered.

He wanted to shake her but he forced his hands to remain by his side. This was her choice, and after all he had put her through, this would be the one thing he stood by—the one thing he wouldn't fight her on any longer.


End file.
